Left toxic job/new career/social plan/library/coffee shop

[oak]

Question: would I rather be more-happy, or less-unhappy?

1. I left my toxic job (daily demeaning, and frequent actual screaming by Karen). I work close to home, helping me effect #3. I am already less unhappy, which is a whole lot like being happier.

Small example: after months of being "too tired" to keep my apartment clean, within days of giving my notice I effortlessly picked up all the clutter.

2. I changed careers! I would have anyway, but (disregarding his politics and UBI, for the purposes of this post) having read the Andrew Yang book "The War On Normal People", I found the following evidence to be compelling: my previous job is likely (96%) to be automated in the next 3 to 5 years.

My new career is likely to be automated, and according to my friend who has been in the industry for some years, the odds are 50-50 over 10 to 15 years. Thus giving me time to make another, more specialized career move (within the larger category/genre of my new field).

3. New social opportunities, ie trying to make new friends at age 43.

Here's the plan:

1. While I hesitate to say I'm addicted to my phone, my usage all day and until 11 pm is disrupting my sleep.

2. Ergo, I went to the public library (one of the most priceless gems of American life!) and checked out many nonfiction books! So long as I have screens off by 9 pm, I can usually wake up naturally at about 6:30. (However, if I look at my phone til midnight the next day I'm woken by my alarm at 8, and dragging around).

Now here is where I really get to dream:

a. If I'm up at 7, and showered/shaved/eaten by 8, that gives me about a half hour to:

Tai chi, lightbox (to reduce SAD), play Pokemon Go (walk outside and get sunshine), or MAYBE (and I am really dreaming here!) become a "regular" at a local coffee shop.

While "being a regular at a coffee shop" sounds like a humble goal, it would represent a vast change in my social life. Imagine being unobtrusive but polite, and chatting up the pretty baristas or other regulars!

(I've learned that it is better for women to approach; they give unambiguous signs: said signs are wonderfully obvious, and there are only four of them.)

I'm also wanting to try and/or get back into martial arts and local organizations.

So, I am trying to go from:

Angry, abused, and harried

to

Exploring and growing in a new field, while exploring the more enjoyable side of life.

I'll post here, perhaps on Sundays, with updates as to how I do each week.

This weeks goals: walk into one coffee shop, then another, check out a local organization, and stop by the martial arts studio.

(Note: I never expect to achieve 100% of my goals: 1/2 is good, and 3/4 is really good)

[brownblob]

Good Luck achieving your goals. I know that some goals may sound small, but sometimes small things can make a big difference. Sometimes people make big goals and then get discouraged when they can't achieve it because it isn't something that can be done with one step. Focusing on the small steps seems like such a more productive way to change one's life.
I always read your posts and realize how much better you are at adulting than I am.

[oak]

Update 1.5, with a special word for BrownBlob, after.

I've done... okay.

Good: I met someone to discuss membership in a fraternal organization. It's the Masons; and here's a deep cut for you Masonic types: I joined DeMolay nearly 30 years (which, overall, was a pretty good experience).

It was a affirming moment, ironically, when I admitted to the man that I want to join "because I don't have any friends". We discussed the epidemic of loneliness in modern life. It was so refreshing just to be honest about something that is destroying my life.

Indicating a strong finish for the week:

I've not been to any coffee shops before work (the wheels fell off Monday, and I overslept Tue and Wed), but while I was waiting for my new friend last night (at a coffee shop), while waiting there unobtrusively, a woman lingered to rummage just a little too long at the napkin station next to me. She even gave a little whimper (ie "look at me!), which is the second time this week I've received such a "pay me attention" whimper.

So, reviewing my goals, I'm good with inquiring about a fraternal organization, and still have before me to go to one coffee shop, then another, and then to see if the martial arts studio will have me back.

Update this Sunday!

A word for BrownBlob:

I am honored that you can be so honest.

A few thoughts:

1. Like with all social media, this is a highly curated version of myself. I spend no more than 1% of my time even trying what I write here.

2. While I don't want to put words in your mouth, I do want to speak plainly:

If you conscience is troubled by humble efforts, then I encourage you to listen to that, difficult as that may be hear. While my foibles are my business, your conscience is your job, your work, your travail.

In fact, if you were to ask your conscience right now what it, or life, or Life, is demanding of you, I'm sure it would tell you: make a dentist appointment, have that difficult conversation you've been putting off, etc.

Were you to meet me, you'd see I'm an ordinary man, just like you. If I can get whimpered at in a coffee shop, you can have that difficult conversation.

[oak]

Weekly update!

It was a really good week, especially when I demonstrated courage.

Highlights: I stopped by three coffee shops, and got flirting signals at two of them. I am looking forward to stopping by one of them again. This gives my life variety and something to look forward to.

I was also referred to as "sir" twice at Walmart this morning, which I completely love. I think wearing a peacoat helps.

While I won't hear much from the Masons until spring, my Big Courage efforts this week, both of which happen to be Monday:

1. Stop by the karate studio, to see if they'll welcome me back after I ghosted them in Oct.

2. Sort out my new health insurance.

So yes, being not-unhappy is a lot like being happier.

Since leaving, I've cleaned my apartment, eaten more fruit, and done all the things listed above. I did very few to none of these things when I was just trying to make it through the day/week/month/moment at my previous, toxic job.

[manuel_moe_g]

Much respect!

[oak]

Update!

If pursuing my goals 1/3 of the time makes me a success, then I have been a success lately. A courage report:

1. I joined a gym, and went for the first time today. This is a big deal.

2. I keep going back to karate, even though I am really bad at it!

3. I am going to yet another new coffee shop tomorrow.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Good job! I'm so glad you found a better work situation too.

I'll second the gym part..... I usually feel better after going. Something to be said for zoning out for a bit and getting a small boost of endorphins.

(Start slow, no contest but your personal best....)

Regards

SD

[oak]

Thanks, SD! 1. You're the best 2. I am definitely following your advice.

Being not-angry after years of being angry is a lot like being happier.

I continue to painstakingly, sometimes (maybe 1/3 of the time) make the good choices listed above.

Considering how many beautiful women there are around, and how much I'd like to date them, I want to increase my male beauty (whatever that means: our society does not talk about male beauty outside the top %, eg Jason Momoa or Chris Pine or Chris Helmsworth. An ordinary man like is completely invisible. Respectable, but invisible. I intend to turn that around.)

And this is really painful to admit, so here goes: I am starting a blog about my experience and efforts to get noticed in 2020.

Though this is ostensibly a comedy movie, this monologue is deadly serious, and says it better than I could. I identify with every word:

https://youtu.be/smm2Dke38So?t=123

[rivergirl]

Oh, Oak! I was so happy to read that you have a new job closer to home in a less toxic work situation.

And congratulations on all of your efforts with the gym, karate, and coffee shops. I do know that these things are a big deal!

While I don't have any personal experience with karate, I recently joined my local YMCA and have started going there to do cardio. The first time I went I felt like a kid terrified of going to my first day at a new school, or like an ugly duckling surrounded by Lululemon swans. The first time is the hardest, and I'm impressed that you started at Christmastime!

Keep us posted on how things are going.

rg

[oak]

Since we are facing, friends, a new year and decade, let me offer this:

If you are thinking about changing careers, this is a really good year to do it.

The new year is a good time to make that plan and get started.

I was able to change careers; if I did it, you can do it. Many of you know me fairly well: I am an ordinary man who had a plan.

Two suggestions to consider:

1. Find out if your job is likely to be automated. Google "[your industry] and automation", or read the Andrew Yang book.

2. The most important skill in America is Excel. Besides the basics, learn pivot tables. This will put your job search well ahead.

Thanks for all your encouragement, friends, including Rivergirl!

I've lost my way a little bit, with everything I set out to do: karate, coffee shops, and making friends.

However, I can still turn things around with small, easy steps. Though, as our dear Rivergirl says, those first few steps are the hardest. Oh goodness.

For now I'm being patient with myself: I chose to do something very difficult in 2019: I left a career/field that I found compelling evidence to be 100% automated soon, for a new job/career/industry. I could have stayed in the "safe" job, and avoided all the foibles and tiny debacles I've encountered in my new role.

That is a difficult thing, that I chose to experience: I suffered intentionally more in the short term, so I can have it easier in the long term.

Your kindness here is a big encouragement to pick myself up and try again soon.