lost my shit at work today

[Heatherwantspeace]

So I'm having struggles with a few things right now, work included. I was 3 of the 4 HALT, and when I got triggered I ignored the quiet wise voice and went off on someone. I later apologized and we came to an understanding of how I had taken what they said and we hugged and cried and were good again. I just keep thinking about the people that witnessed me and how they will see me differently. I think I said somewhere here before that I don't yell but I do rant and I'm not kind. I feel so ashamed.
Heather

[oak]

I’m glad you posted here.

Also, very well done for recognizing 3 of 4 halt! You are really knowledgeable and in touch with your physiology.

Lastly, we’ll done for getting it all out afterwards.

Work is a really difficult situation, and sometimes there are no good solutions or happy endings.

At the risk of seeming (but not intending) flip, it was probably good for the others to see the episode:

1. They can be reminded of everyone’s humanity (too often beaten out of us emotionally in corporate America).

2. They may think twice about crossing you. Or, put better: actions have consequences, and you are willing to create boundaries and enforce them. Now, did you defend that boundary in the most enlightened way? Well, probably not. But work makes monsters of all of us, sometimes. Now everyone is clear that Heather is a good person, and has her limits.

In summary, it is too bad all this happens. But work is an emotional place, and you did your best to heal a difficult situation that presented few happy outcomes.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Oak,
Yes, I'm glad I posted too. I felt better and was able to just sit and feel the shame for my behaviour and own it instead of avoiding it.

Your response was so helpful I weeped in gratitude to be understood. Reflecting, I *was* defending my boundaries but didn't stop when my point was made or let the other person react in their own imperfect way. I hope to have a minute with the other people that were there and acknowledge and apologize for how my behaviour affected them.

I had emailed my manager earlier that day to let them know my schedule was out of control and that it was affecting my life. So I was aware of how fragile I was that day.
I would like nothing better than to call in sick today but it's important to hold my head up, take the consequences of my actions and forgive myself and move on.
I hate the thought that I made the world a worse place but I get to be human too. Damn I'm crying again.
Heather

[oak]

I am glad you are getting it all out, and that post was able to excavate some of the hurt out.

I think you're really onto something: If you are moved, moved to tears in this case, you are really close to a breakthrough. Sometimes we have to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough.

Pay attention to your dreams.

Don't let this go just yet: see how far down the rabbit hole of pain you can handle: there is something valuable right around the corner.

Put another way: Freud or Jung or somebody said that neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering.

Put yet another way, have cake and tea with your demons:

https://www.facebook.com/yumiverse/post ... 545393982/

I think you are very close to a breakthrough. There's been something you've been avoiding, but your psyche can't afford that anymore: it is choosing this pain over avoiding the issue any further.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, if you'll indulge me further I find this really helpful and your insights ring true.

When I apologized to the bystanders, I got a very supportive response. One person said "We aren't always the person we want to be" and it made me cry then and it makes me cry now. There's something there and I'm going to let it bounce around without chasing it too hard.

The other thing was someone else who was working with me that day, who knew I was not doing well, brought me a card. So all in all I had 4 people supporting and accepting me when I felt I had done something unforgivable. And...I am just as terrified of their support as I was of not being forgiven. I will stay open to those feelings as best I can. I have a touchstone I keep in my pocket to help me stay present.

I love the link! I will try. It's very similar to IFS, which has been super successful for me.
Thank you so much for your support.
Heather

[oak]

Good for you. I knew that would happen when you faced them again, but you got to experience it for yourself.

I am of two minds, simultaneously:

1. I am so sorry you are suffering so. Work difficulties are extremely complex and have no good outcome.

2. Everything you describe is spiritual growth. Your psyche was pushing you out of that egg, ready or not.

Now, my advice: take it a bit easy. You’ve been through a lot lately, and deserve some mindless relaxation. You’ve earned it.

[snoringdog]

Wow, what an encouraging exchange. Makes me glad to read it. (And a little emotional too... )

Heather I've lost my shit once or twice at work also, and later apologized for it. Felt the same mix of anger, regret and shame as you describe....

And it does seem that most people are ready to forgive, and see the humanity in each other...

Oak - You are the man!

Peace

SD

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, this would not have been the same experience without your support. Thank you. I have some trauma aware bodywork scheduled in a few days that will help to settle and assimilate what I've learned this week. There is evidence that I've let go of another layer of shame related to the person I had to become to survive ("we aren't always the person we want to be") and given it back where it belongs.

SD, thanks for witnessing. I think Oak has some great instincts in addition to his life experience and we all benefit so much.
Peace back atcha!
Heather

[oak]

Thank you for your kind words, SD and HWS.

Two thoughts:

1. The body work is an excellent idea. Don't be surprised if, while driving or other mundane daily task, you suddenly realize what this is all about. It will be absolutely clear.

Or, and I could go on about how our subconscious is a genius (yes, an actual genius both in the modern sense [Lin Manuel Miranda, for example] and the Roman sense [what we'd call a "guardian angel" nowadays]), but equally don't be surprised if you don't have such a realization: you psyche knows exactly what is going on, and knows how to protect you (ie your waking, conscience self). If you (the waking self) needs to know, it will be completely clear. If not, your psyche will handle it behind the scenes. Either way you'll be perfectly fine. Trust the process.

You've done everything your psyche/conscience/subconscious has required of you.

2. I am touched that we've both been forced to reckon with ourselves: your emotions with this crisis (and I mean "crisis" in the best sense, as something that couldn't be ignored any longer, and wholly precipitated for needed growth), and me with the flu.

Now next month I could have the emotional crisis and you could have the flu-crisis. I am charmed that we are tasked with such difficulties, though they are difficult to bear.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I'm so glad we both had a crisis buddy!

The flu is a real mind/body whammy. I'm sorry you had it for so many days. I hope you're feeling better.

May I share a subconscious story with you?
Three years back, when I met the person who would be a catalyst for my healing journey, when I was totally unaware that I was on the precipice of a life changing leap, I had a dream.

I was walking on the side of a cliff. The ledge was so thin I had to walk sideways, back leaning against the rock. Below me was interpenetratable thick brush. I could see where I needed to be, in the distance. I heard a voice saying over and over, you are doing exactly what you need to do, keep going.

I cling to this and other messages from my subconscious. It is brilliant and knows exactly where we're going and how to get there.

Btw, the person who was the catalyst turned out to be controlling and I found the strength to remove them from my life even though I wasn't sure I could get that same help elsewhere. Turns out I could, and better.

Heather