Flu thoughts.

[Beany Boo]

I like your learnings.

Probably on a podcast, I heard a theory that picks up on them; that in order to manage overwhelming stress, rather than try (and possibly fail) to relax, instead introduce good stress; stress you choose, doing something you want, to a level that’s challenging but within your limits.

Walking a mile and building out the mile so it’s interesting and also, work, fits that. And, exercise improvements are always small and incremental over time anyway, no matter what level you are at. It’s as important that whatever you do it makes sense to you, even if that’s mapping out the whole mile on the first day.

I also think our own desire is the most powerful force in our lives. I think, more than conscious achievements, it is fueled by habits. And most of all, our preferred habits. They can easily be good or bad, but our preference marks them for success. If you can open up to habits around your preferences that introduce good kinds and good levels of stress, you might inadvertently create some alchemy.

Sorry if this post is too manic. Hopefully I’ve made sense

[oak]

Well said, Beany Boo. I definitely get what you are saying. Thanks for posting.

I don't want to post this, so it is all the more important I do. Here goes:

For the last two weeks, since I lost my job and car in one afternoon, I've been wracked with grief. Or maybe it is depression. Semantics aside, it is heaviness. I remember looking at my fingernails yesterday and not having any idea how I'd find the energy to clip them. I was astonished that I had the wherewithal to walk to the grocery store the previous day. I wondered if I'd ever not feel this immense physical heaviness.

To my credit, I felt the feelings. I've also slept, really slept, for the first time since 2002. For the last two weeks I just couldn't move.

Fortunately today I showered, shaved, wore clean clothes, and clipped said nails. I even ate fresh fruits and even vegetables (pico de gallo) for the first time in months.

Now, if we know anything about grief, depression, or grief-depression, another wave may be right behind this one.

One thing that comforts me: my only goal for April 2020 is to survive. Just to survive Covid. A bigger goal would be to survive and not end up in the hospital, with something like pneumonia. An even bigger goal would be end up at the status quo of March 22: have a job and car. The even biggest goal would be to satisfy all my professional, financial, physical, and relationship dreams.

But you can see the dangerous, all or nothing, thinking there.

So I just reminded myself that the only job I have this month, as a good American citizen, to stay home: to only leave for groceries and exercise.

That I can do. That gives me some permission to breathe.

Thanks for listening. It is a great burden off of me to share here.

[manuel_moe_g]

Praying for you daily, Oak. It is the least I can do, friend.

[Beany Boo]

Oof, wow, that’s bad. I never thought I’d read another person describing that feeling of weight like that. I wish I didn’t recognize what you were talking about. I’m glad you did.

I wish I could just give you permission to breathe freely but I know it’s not that easy; I don’t have that power.

You are lovable though, regardless of what your circumstances have been throwing at you. It’s not evidence to the contrary. It’s just what’s going on right now; reality.

I think you’re making the right moves at the moment; just keep it humble and day by day.

And there is nothing dangerous about an overwhelming need for love and security. Keep that flame burning. Bright.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I'm so happy for the permission you're giving yourself. Bravo!
You have our support and ears as you ride out the waves. I want you to know that staying home is not a passive event, it's something you're actually doing. When the time comes, you will do other things.
I hope that pico del gallo was divine!
Heather

[oak]

@ManuelMoe, BeanyBoo, Maeve, and Heather: thank you so much for your kind, warm, generous messages. I've cherished each one, and they have helped:

1. The paralyzing grief is alternating with happier habits: yesterday I couldn't move, until I realized "this is boring... hmmm, maybe I should clean up that mess over there". I cleaned my apartment for about 45 minutes, then gave myself permission to simply sit again for the rest of the day.

2. Maybe your kindness, and the help it provided in helping myself, is the best of what this quarantine experience can be: someone expresses their need and hurt, their friends reply with encouragement, the person still feels the pain, and also takes action, without judgment.

[Beany Boo]

Yes, but isn’t it also true that your willingness to be a friend with your honest pain on display is what happened here? People who are hurting also being friends to each other. It’s a big risk, to not displace your anguish and hurt and ask to be accepted anyway as is. But you did it so *hug*. *Hugs* all round.

[oak]

Thank you, friends, for your lovely posts. I appreciate them.

This quarantine has taken a turn for the worse for my mental health, and/or three full weeks of greiving/depression/PTSD are starting to take a toll.

Here is a considerable victory for me today: I showered, shaved, wore clean clothes, brushed, flossed, and took my Buspar.

I am telling myself that I am enough for today if I don't: do my dishes, wash clothes, apply for jobs, teach myself code, walk outside, clean my apartment, or do my physical therapy exercises.

Frequently, most of the day, I can't move.

I was laying in bed this morning wondering how I'd find the energy to write this post.

[brownblob]

I know that feeling.

[Heatherwantspeace]

I appreciate you checking in, Oak.
Take care.
Heather