I have feelings

[Heatherwantspeace]

I'm going back to work today to my essential services job. I'm not on the front lines, but I work with those that are. There is little chance of safe distancing. My worries seem small and silly in the face of those in the thick of it, but they are valid. Through some dumb luck, I ended up off site for the crucial 2 weeks when everything ramped up. I will be returning to a world that will be eerie and different.

Is some ways it will be business as usual and that will be comforting. I will enjoy being around people again. We always strive to be safe so that is nothing new.
Right now I am scared, though.
Heather

[oak]

You have been heard. You have feelings. I validate them. You are human. You are fully mentalyl and morally healthy and normal.

Now, if I may, I'd like to speak to you, adult to adult. If you don't like firm (but kind) thoughts offered, stop reading now.

While we all have "neurotic" anxieties, this is not that: these are existential anxieties. You are right to have anxiety: anxiety for likely sickness and possible death for yourself, your loved ones, and anyone, really.

You are so completely sane and whole to have these anxieties.

btw, I hasten to add that I use the word "sane" in its original meaning: clean, ie "sanitary". You have a clean mind, a healthy robust immune system of a soul. You are the picture of mental health.

Everything you wrote rings true: your job is essential and social distancing is unlikely to impossible. Frankly, you may well catch the coronavirus. I hope not, but I assume that is a correct reading of your post.

Now, while the odds of you (and anyone) catching said virus is high, the truth is that you are unlikely to die. While death/pneumonia can happen to anyone, so far as I understand it is unlikely for the non-elderly. And even for those most at risk the chances of dying are something like 15%. Not great, but I'd take those odds if I had to.

At the risk of being a "typical man", when we look at this terrible situation rationally, we have reason to be optimistic, while considering the grave consequences. The consequences of coronavirus will be grave, and each of us will have to face them.

Therefore, your anxiety is real, sane, and expected. It would be odd if you weren't scared. This same anxiety proves your humanity.

[Beany Boo]

I’m similarly in a behind-the-frontline job in healthcare. Infection isn’t really a fear for me even though it’s an imminent risk. Burnout is the acute fear for me. More than my own, it’s the burnout of others and having to manage ‘us’ in the midst of responding to a potential surge. It’s that fear of ‘disappearing into the cracks, never to be seen again.’ Unfortunately many healthcare workers ignore or just don’t see the signs.

Also I’ve randomly noticed women being treated appallingly without provocation, usually by young men. There’s this irrational expectation that women must fall into line as ‘the caretakers.’ The irrationality seems to be ramping up. That scares me.

I can’t really support you emotionally except to relate to what you’re about to face. Don’t underestimate the power of rest. The more you rest, the more you can rest. And when you think of it, slow down. In an intense event that’s prolonged, going slow seems to convert into staying ready. It’s a mystery how but that’s been my experience.

When the dread begins to creep I say to myself, ‘it’s okay to fail... and also, you don’t have to fail.’

And as completely counterintuitive as it sounds, in the shadow of doom, find the daily ways to enjoy your work.

Sorry if this hasn’t helped. I’m pretty useless

[Heatherwantspeace]

Thank you both, Oak and Beany Boo. You have both been so helpful, each in your own way.

I really needed someone to hear me, and you both did. It makes so much difference. Beany Boo, your words helped so much. For me, not being on the front lines means I have to be an emotional support to those who are. I have to keep my sh*t together even if I'm under stress too. The trick is not to absorb others' emotions. I'm getting better at it. I will remember to slow and stop when necessary and able. Oak, as always you get right to the heart of hearing my words. My family puts me on 1-2 weeks freeze out if I express emotions. I knew people here would be able to hear my words.

Take care both of you, and everyone.
Heather

[oak]

You are worthy of experiencing this experience, Heather.

My sponsor, years back, always said that "normal" is a setting on the washing machine.

But you are normal. Totally normal. Normal and healthy.

Hang in there. Don't be afraid to post: keep us posted.

[Heatherwantspeace]

The truth is I'm living in 2 realities right now. One, where I self isolate and one where I do not. I'm going to have to learn to toggle between the two and not feel the anxiety of not doing the other one!
Heather

[snoringdog]

Hello Heather and Beany,

I want to salute you both for the work that you are doing. Supporting those on the front lines is noble and critically important. No one can work alone.

I'm currently working-from-home, and feel a bit "redundant". I'm looking for ways to help. Seems like donating to the groups setting up the restaurants-to-hospitals meal deliveries is about all I can do.

Thinking about blood donations too, not sure if they're accepting...

Be well

SD

[Heatherwantspeace]

SD, so good to hear from you!
It sounds trite, but staying home truly is helping. Every person can have an exponential effect one way or the other.
Take care and be well.
Heather

[Heatherwantspeace]

I got very angry at two things yesterday...an EAP person being invalidating in their webinar, and some misogyny that took me by surprise.
It seems to have cracked me open as I'm feeling more of the things I usually feel. Hopefully this means I'm coping with the fear and unknown better. I attended another EAP webinar today with a much more experienced, flexible facilitator and was able to take in the information and use it.

I still find I'm having trouble being present with people at work. I love tasks, and connecting with people is something I have to remember to do when there are tasks present because the tasks will always grab my attention. I'm still connecting with people I know well, and definitely checking in with others I don't know as well. But putting the effort into it, it's just not there. I'm trying to be kind to myself and remember that being aware of what I have touched and wiped down is taking up space in my brain right now and as an introvert the people stuff is the first to go.

Heather

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, Heather. Your posts on the board reveal that you are an awesome, compassionate person. Please be kind to yourself.