Flu thoughts.

[oak]

Thanks Brownblob and Heather! Great to hear from you.

I am getting a bit testy lately, and like always, 9 of 10 times it is a HALT issue. And like most HALT issues, it can be prevented by a proper breakfast. Someday I'll get this right!

Borrowing an idea from my dear anxiety hierarchies, I've created a list of increasing things to do while quarantined.

So if I only do one thing, I sit. If I only do two things, I sit and experience the grief/depression/PTSD.

I am not obligated to do anything; anything extra thing I do is great, but I am enough if I do nothing. In practice I do almost everything in the first block every day. The second block is likely to happen sometime during the week, and the third block is pretty aspirational for "someday".

I've also added groovy links for the final, joyous activity.

1- Daily, usually
Sit
Experience the grief/depression/PTSD
Proper hydration
Buspar
Proper food
"Comfort food": rich/sweet candy or cake, afternoon
"Comfort food": salty, before bed
Dental self care
Shower/shave/clean clothes
Walk outside
2- Weekly, on a good day
Connect w/family and friends
Clean apt
Run dishwasher
Wash clothes
Groceries (as indicated)

3- A man can dream
Learn new skills (code, Excel)
Tai chi/PT exercises
Vacuum

***Anytime joy: Neo-soul***

The Black Pumas

https://youtu.be/0G383538qzQ

or Teskey Brothers

https://youtu.be/WGcO3JFn0rE

Edit:

Though I implied the following, in this edit I’ll make it explicit:

Note that I didn’t list “rehashing old hurts with family” or “implementing vast, important changes to my life”. I consider (a) living (b) staying out of the hospital and (c) getting back to the status quo [having a job and car] of Feb to wonderful successes for this all time mess.

In other words, I give myself permission to just be a dude, a human. Probably not a bro, but definitely a guy. I don’t have to be or do or prove anything. Surviving is success for me, and staying healthy is a goal to be hoped for.

I can just otherwise let all the previous Stuff and Drama and Baggage go. Cause if I face death, hopefully with courage and dignity should that be my fate, will any of that drama or upset matter? Nope.

And if I won’t care then, why should I care now?

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I love your list!!!!!
One thing I'm learning from talking to people, podcasts, etc is that there will be a bad day every so often. My last bad day was Monday when I lost it on my lovely partner because he's loosey goosey with the social distancing.
Great to have the funk on standby. The body holds so much. Letting it move helps.
Today has been a good day for me. I wish the same for you and everyone.
Heather

[oak]

Thanks Heather! Your encouragement helped me to hold onto the thought that I am enough.

Good news bad news

Good

I've been sticking to my hierarchy list, and showering/shaving daily, and even studying a little code. I am happy and content most of the time. I am eating very well, and have clear plans for After This Mess, both short and long term.

Bad

While my mind is good, my body is yelling at me: today I woke up with unusually loud and piercing tinnitus. Okay, I'll go for a walk before a proper breakfast, I thought. I made it to the end of the apartment complex parking lot before my right knee was giving me real pain. A month of being indoors 99% of the time, and not being stretched/limbered have caught up with me.

My sleep schedule is profoundly out of whack: despite not consciously wanting to, I am up until 5 am, waking at noon. This is like when I was a 23 year college dropout drunk!

Going into this mess, I had a good plan to get up daily at about 9, do tai chi, eat a proper breakfast, shower/shave/clean clothes, study code for a few hours, go for a walk before lunch, then spend the rest of the day however I chose.

Instead I'm staring at my phone nearly every waking moment. I'm also starting to realize, like many Americans, while I have a month or two of savings, the unemployment insurance is coming less frequently, and without that awesome $600/week. Grief or not, it may be time to start applying for those jobs and building my skills.

On the Other Hand: Gratitude

All of my needs are met, as are many of my wants. I am not in any risk of food or housing or utility loss.

I have some real problems: moderate tinnitus, joint stiffness and pain; but I've made it through the first month of a pandemic. For all the hard times I've been through, this is, as they say, the first time I've survived a pandemic.

I'm sober, my teeth are still fixed, and I feel fine. I have plans and hopes for the future.

All in all, other than the fairly annoying tinnitus, the me from a month ago would be delighted to see me today, surviving and hanging on.

I'll take that as a win.

(What I am dancing around, and don't really want to say: lots of people would be glad to change places with me, and I feel some obligation to feel grateful.)

[oak]

Hi friends. I wanted to use my words to check in.

In general my mental health is okay, but it is starting to fray. My state is supposed to mitigate the quarantine in May, and that is probably the right timeline. I really needed the quiet in late March and all of April, but increasingly I am wanting to again have a car and job.

This is what I will consider successes for this week!

* I continue to eat lots of candy, but I ate a little fresh fruit.

* I continue to be weighed down, most of the time, by grief/PTSD/depression, but I also found myself shaving (shaving is more of an accomplishment than I realized).

* I got courage from who-knows-where, and called my friend from high school, who works at an auto dealership, and he advised me about how to buy a car. My anxiety is considerably reduced!

* I continue to spend many hours a day (12 or more) on my phone, yet I took steps to acquire paperback books (especially my beloved Amish romance novels)

* I continue to get my butt kicked by tinnitus and insomnia. Most days I am able to go with the flow.

* Using courage to try Instacart, I learned about the beauty and power of Instacart. I got cabbage delivered to my door. I love cabbage!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Oak!

Yeah, shaving is no small accomplishment. I have to give myself a haircut tomorrow. Good for you for getting help on acquiring a car. Good for you taking steps to reduce time spent on the phone.

[Beany Boo]

Given the events you’re caught up in and the resources you have to pick yourself up, from the blows you’ve taken, your level of control right now is nothing short of impressive.

I’m guessing you’ve read all the online Amish romance novels from the library already? Have you considered writing one yourself? A short story at least, or ‘fan fiction’? I don’t mean to ‘send solutions’; it’s just that you’re a good writer and I can see you doing something like that. I know when people suggest things like that to me I ignore them but maybe I’ll listen eventually.

I know that screen-time and candy, as habits go, feed each other. No judgement. It’s a solid plan of distraction right now. It’s important to find ways to filter the present reality, that is overwhelming.

The advice I’m following myself is ‘don’t force it.’ My reflex is to jump to conclusions, ‘flee into health’, seek attention and punish myself into happiness. Not forcing it is about not deciding up front how things are going to go. And feeling like I can keep making decisions for myself into the future.

I guess as I relate to you that means, I don’t need you to be or feel anything other than who you are and what you are feeling. That includes not needing you to ‘succeed’ or ‘fail’ but instead just trust that the clear will you exhibit to self care and care for others will prevail, whatever that ends up looking like.

Best of luck with instacart, your car research and your Amish romance journey.

[oak]

@ManuelMoe: thanks for the encouragement: shaving is such a big deal. I hope you are doing well.

@BeanyBoo: Yes, thanks to your recommendation I have an outline for a story, semi-autobiographical, and a quick Google search found 10+ sites for submitting one's own fic. I'll keep you posted!

In general I am doing well. I feel fine, and my world is getting smaller, in the best way: I am focusing on self-care, which has not been a priority since 2006.

Happy memories are coming up; for example: as I was graduating from college, so many men were kind to me during that last semester.

I am telling myself that I am a success today if I take my Buspar. An extra bonus is to shower, and even further to shave. If I get out of the house, that is really outstanding. I am enough.

The real word (as if my interior life isn't the most real of lives) is intruding, little chores or things to follow up/resolve: some paperwork from the car crash, rescheduling the dentist appt. Just now I made a list, and set it aside for another day.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, a hearty well done! on making a list. It's a big step, but so important for getting things out of your head. You can now tackle them when and as you are ready for them.
I'm glad you're doing okay. Would love to know what you did with that cabbage! I have half a head of red that needs a plan. (If you did nothing with it, that's okay too. We're all doing our best).

Beany Boo thanks for the reminder that just being is enough. I know for myself, I have this vague feeling that things need to be "done" "finished" and I have to remember that it's okay to not know how I feel about something and just experience it. I hope you are doing well.
Heather

[rivergirl]

Oh, Oak,

I'm realizing that I've been away from the forum longer than I realized, but still, you've been through a lot of trauma in the past month or so.

I hope your body is healing from the car accident. Sometimes the physical trauma from a crash can take weeks or longer to show up.

Please continue to be compassionate with yourself. Virtual hugs.

rivergirl

[oak]

Thanks Heather and Rivergirl! I appreciate your thoughtful posts, and encouragement. The cabbage met a happy end in a pork roast, which ended up in tacos.

In general, friends, I am doing okay.

I am still wracked with oppressive heaviness due to grief/PTSD/depression most of the time, but just today I felt the urge to get out into the sunshine. Just yesterday I thought: "Hmmmm, I want to clean my shower. Where's that Comet and scrubbie?". This is a big step forward for me.

Until I get a serological test (I'm pretty sure I had COVID in late Feb) or a vaccine is implemented, I am wary about being in crowds in May. With Instacart, just like in April I don't have any obligations outside the house in May. I'll be interested (read: scared for them) to see if people get COVID as my state relaxes its quarantine in early May.

Part of me wants to write more, but just writing this has been exhausting. Thanks for listening! I hope you are all doing well.