dug down, found new stuff

[Heatherwantspeace]

So here's where I get self indulgent and talk about some realizations I've had in the last few months. Maybe some of you can relate? Please share if you do!
(I'm talking about having a job at a time when so many don't...I hope this doesn't cause any pain for anyone)

Throughout the anxiety of the virus, I've felt like a strong part of me has been rising up. It was confusing to feel both scared and confident at the same time. Now that I've had some distance from it, here's my thoughts. I think I've had a do over. As a powerless child anticipating random abuse, or conversely hoping for random affection, I lived a constant state of feeling like there was nothing I could do to control my environment and keep myself safe. I grow into an adult who believes the world is not a safe place.

Flash forward to 2020. The world is not safe. Other people can now feel it and express it. Finally my inner world matches the outer.
Even though we cannot predict what will happen, multiple people of authority are explaining what is going on. They are telling me what to do to be safe, and I am able to do it. I can make choices about when to go into a less safe environment, and when not to. If effect, I am redoing my childhood with the power of an adult. I'm scared, but I'm working through keeping safe with people who will explain things to me. I can walk out of any situation at any time.

I think there was some real healing there for me.

I took this new found belief in myself and applied for a promotion in a different area. I love my job, but there is still a pervasive culture of creating a pecking order, who is better than who at the job. I was putting together my presentation for the interview, and feeling really good about it. Then I came into work and some tough decisions I made the day before were obviously being criticized (though not to my face, and by people who have refused positions of responsibility). It broke me. I almost cancelled the interview. Thankfully, my partner gave me a pep talk asking me if I wanted to let these people decide I shouldn't have the job.

Here's the thing. The kind of anger I was feeling, I recognized it. It's the anger I get when I'm playing a part in what's going on. I did the interview, it went as fine as interviews go, they suck. I spoke from my heart and said that one of the things I would like to effect was bringing up the culture to one of mutual support. Then I felt complete and utter exhaustion. I was useless for the rest of the day and it was beyond just the stress of an interview wearing off.

The next day it came to me like my subconscious had been working it out and decided to share it. I have been giving off slight, subtle signals of lack of confidence that the alpha's were picking up on. Slight hesitations, being overly deferential. It was a total blind spot for me. For the next week, no one questioned my decisions.

And guys, I got the job.

[oak]

Congratulations!

First, for using agency and courage and honesty in securing a new position. I hope it goes well, and I hope you keep us updated as to what you learn and how you grow.

Congratulations also on your inner growth. There is so much I identified with in your post: it was as if you were in my head. And, since imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I intend to start a thread about how I was bullied.

While I could write whole pages about individual sentences, brevity is the soul of wit, so here are abbreviated thoughts:

1. As someone out of work, I do not take any offense. There are vast health, public health, societal, governmental reasons for the mass unemployment, few/none of which are under your control. You're okay!

2. Indeed the world is not safe. In addition to the random cruelty of nature, which has no moral component, the real danger is from mankind. You are correct and prudent to say the world is not safe. It is a dangerous place.

3. Honesty is the best policy, I've always heard and believed, except when it comes to interviews, supposedly. I reject that: I've found interviews one of the most important places to be honest. Doing so has only helped me, and never hurt me.

4. Ah yes: the subconscious awakened by the coronavirus crisis. I wholly identify. I can hardly imagine life before it. It is like the unconscious was always there, ready, just waiting for a chance to come into the sun.

Again, there is much I could say to praise your post. I hope this will suffice.

Well done! You've hung on during a very difficult, and probably needed, time.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, I love this! Your whole post was great, excellently written, and the ending reveal was the best! Heather, you rock!

[oak]

Agreed, Manuel Moe. It is a great post, and so great to have Heather here.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Thank you both so much! I want this to be a place we can celebrate our successes, so even though I had a bit of discomfort, I wanted to post.
Now, of course, the real work begins. Middle management is a special kind of place and as one of my interviewers said, the best you can hope for is that everyone is equally mad at you.

Just wanted to also share another bit because I love when the universe throws things you need in your way. Or to put it less magically, you notice things when they become relevant to you.
In the midst of all this, I caught half an episode of Big Bang Theory where Leonard and Raj are complaining that the "alpha" Howard and Sheldon take over all discussions so they decide to leave them out of their project. My ears pricked up because I had also been identifying the people who were making my professional life difficult as alpha's. What Leonard and Raj (and I) learned was that the alpha's got them where they needed to be much faster. I had to concede that I had been judging others the same way I felt judged and maybe I needed to put my ego aside and have some respect for their gifts. Much like with extroverts, I can benefit so much by observing and stealing their behaviour!

It's been a huge couple of weeks. Tonight a celebration then it's time to roll up my sleeves.
Thanks again, Oak and Manuel Moe.
Heather

[oak]

The old quote I heard:

“The key to successful management is to keep the half of the people who hate you away from the other half who haven’t decided yet.”

[Beany Boo]

Wow, what a triumph this is, truly.

It’s often the case that failure looms just as success prevails. And vice versa.

What I recognize is the experience of something, that is happening, that is out of your control, versus something you want to happen because it makes sense to you but isn’t.

I learnt at some point to say, “I don’t understand why this is happening or why it’s affecting me so much, but it’s clearly happening so I accept that its real while I’m working out what it is.”

This sort of feels like what you were going through.

[Heatherwantspeace]

I learnt at some point to say, “I don’t understand why this is happening or why it’s affecting me so much, but it’s clearly happening so I accept that its real while I’m working out what it is.”

This, Beany Boo, is 100% what my life has become. The bodily sensations and feelings come, the growth and (sometimes but not always) realizations after. Once I learned to stop fighting it, it got--not easier--but shorter in duration. Thank you for articulating it so well.

Oak...LOL