misogyny, a series of memories

[Heatherwantspeace]

2 years ago, I'm buying groceries. The man in front of me puts down the divider after his groceries so I can start to put mine down. I say thanks. I put my groceries on the belt. He reaches over and rests his hand onto my section of the belt, amongst my groceries. He is letting me know there is no space that's truly mine, he can invade any time he wants. I know if I say anything I will sound like a crazy bitch. I decide to let a part of my soul die instead.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Last year, buying groceries. The man in front of me asks the very young cashier to turn around so he can see how long her hair is. She does. He tells her about the girl in high school that had long hair that he had a crush on. I want to tell him he is being a creepy old fuck, but I know it will embarrass the young woman. I decide to let a part of my soul die instead.

[Heatherwantspeace]

2 (?) years ago. I'm at the front of a restaurant waiting for a table. A man, also waiting for a table, reaches over my head to lean against the wall, leaving me standing under the bridge he has made of his body. I reach my arm up, also lean against the wall, with my hand next to his. He looks alarmed and pulls his hand away. Then steps back.

[Heatherwantspeace]

10 years ago. I'm doing some retraining. I'm sitting outside at a coffee shop on a lovely day. My text book is in front of me and I'm taking notes. I hear a group of men come up. They are loud and I can tell they want everyone to look at them. This is my least favourite type of person, so I don't look up. They don't like this and get louder. I don't look up from my studying. They eventually all give up except for one who occasionally hurls comments my way. I keep studying. This is now distracting but no way am I looking at him. Eventually, I finish and start collecting my books, being careful not to look their way. He says the name of my text book out loud. I close my backpack and walk away.

[Beany Boo]

Wow, this is such a precious gift that you would share these with us.

Thank you for ceasing to do the labor of protecting us from the reality you live with.

I want you to know, that I manage fine, learning about what has happened to you; is happening to you.

I hope I stay the person you have come to know.

Shine away.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow. Powerful stuff.

[oak]

Agreed, Manuel Moe; well said Beany Boo.

We are only as sick as our secrets. You got this all into the light. These are very difficult situations.

[Heatherwantspeace]

12 years old. Summer. Elaine and I are riding our bikes around the neighbourhood. She is on a new ten speed, riding with no hands, blonde feathered hair blowing back. We ride past a construction site. The men cheer as she goes by. They boo as I ride past.

Grown men boo a 12 year old girl because they think she's unattractive. Because they think she has no right to be unattractive in their eyes, in their sight.

[Heatherwantspeace]

3 years ago. My partner and I order tacos. We order the exact same thing, except I order black beans and he orders pinto beans. I tell him, we are both getting pinto beans. When we unwrap our tacos and both have pinto beans, he asks how I knew. I say it's because male voices cancel out female voices. I can see he wants to protest It's just a mistake! They could just as easily both been black beans! I say to him, I've been experiencing this my whole life.

[Heatherwantspeace]

My previous bodywork practitioner tells me how 2 of his clients have professed their love for him. He's such as good guy, though, he has not gotten involved with either of them. My bodywork practitioner before that, said, as I was lying semi dressed on the table, your spine is relaxing into much more natural curves. Then adds "men like curves".
All my practitioners are now female. I don't know how they feel about my body. They don't try to gauge my interest in them with thinly disguised stories.