feeling 2020

[brownblob]

I am depressed. I hate to even post, because there is no positivity to my posts. I read other's posts and realize everyone else is moving forward while I am curled up in a ball in the corner. There is a lot I could chronicle over the last year, but is there any point to that? Everyone is having there struggles in this time. My situation is probably better than others, I just can't feel it. I've been trying different meds this year and they aren't helping. At work, I am surrounded by people who believe in conspiracy theories and get their news from facebook. Management is bad. I struggle to function there because of anxiety and depression.
I have sunk into anhedonia. I don't know if anyone has experienced it, but it is basically an inability to feel pleasure. I'm sure it is the brain's attempt to shutdown in self defense from all feelings, but I am in a zombie state right now. I am in that circle of not getting anything done and hating myself for not getting anything done.
I already feel like I let my partner down for being like this, but now she is going through her own shit. She went through a bad experience years ago. I don't want to get into it, because she deserves her privacy. But anyway, she basically has PTSD from the experience. It is not a normal thing to have PTSD from, so people wouldn't understand but she is in a bad state right now, and I do my best to talk with her and be there but I barely function in everyday life right now and cannot be strong for her. I hate myself. I feel like I have let her down. I feel like a nightmare is beginning and will only get worse.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Brownblob.
I'm glad you posted and I'm sorry things are so difficult. I think that work environment would bring anyone down. Limiting my exposure to conspiracy theories is a major part of my mental wellness right now. I can't imagine not being able to turn it off.
I cried on my way to work yesterday. It's really hard times, and crummy, toxic management magnifies the feeling of hopelessness.

For what it's worth, I have never read your posts and thought of you as negative. Both you and Beany Boo have made statements to the effect (any misinterpretation is mine...please correct me) that I will not tell you things are going to be okay if I can't guarantee that. I've learned a lot from that. It's added richness and depth to the group.

All I can offer is hearing you. You're doing your best. I hope you can find some resources for you and your partner.
Heather

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Brownblob,

Please don't think that we don't appreciate your posts. We want to hear what you have to say, and we want it to be true to your lived experience.

Things in the world are bad, and they will only get worse before they get better. You, as a sensitive being, are suffering in part because of that.

The most important thing you can do for a partner is to take care of yourself first.

I am putting myself back into my college years state of mind, back when what you are describing rang very true for me. Don't compare yourself to other people, your mental health is too important, and comparing yourself to other people taxes your mental health. You can give voice to the problem, and that is enough of a start, you at least have the strong foundation to build yourself up from the inside. It doesn't seem true, but it is true.

[Beany Boo]

Wow, great post. Needing to protect your dignity is legitimate but this is a great share. Forget positivity, you’ve got a truckload of honesty and that’s a great sign. And there’s no animus in your words. You’re just trying to manage your life.

I’m loathe to offer any advice on any aspect of what you’ve written, because I can relate to some of it. I certainly don’t feel burdened in any way by you or like I need to try and ‘make’ you feel better. Some of the external stuff - work, your partner - would be a strain on anyone.

The only thing I can offer advice on today is, stop trying to do anything, even if it feels wrong to stop. It’s difficult to explain but I do recognize that and it’s quite powerful. It’s a compulsive urge that sort of covers a bunch of stuff, getting in your way. It may take some doing (to stop needing to do anything) but from a therapeutic (not a therapist!) point of view, that’s a biggy. Not feeding it, letting go of it, not taking responsibility for it, whenever it arises, is a solid move.

Even if the nightmare does get worse it’s important to keep making your own decisions. Keep sharing when you feel like it. No pressure. We’re just talking if and when we can. That seems to be the deal.

[brownblob]

Thanks all for the replies.
Beany, I will try to stop pressuring myself so much. I need to take care of things, but I need to learn to let it go sometimes and not beat myself up for it when I am unable.
Manuel, thanks for reminding me that taking care of myself is helping my partner. I will try to keep that in my mind everyday like an affirmation.
Heather, I don't believe in just telling people that things will be okay when I don't know if it will. When I have been at low points, and people have told me things like that it has felt hollow, patronizing and like I was not heard. I much prefer an honest compassionate answer to someone blowing smoke up my ass.

[rivergirl]

I'm glad you posted, brownblob, and I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. You don't have to feel any certain way to be welcome here. If that was the case I don't think there would be many posts on this forum.

I would be hard pressed to explain Beany's mantra of "stop trying to do anything, even if it feels wrong to stop" but intuitively I know that this is what has helped me most the past few months. You're dealing with depression, a global crisis, a toxic work environment, and relationship stress. You're already doing something just by getting through each day. I hope you can give yourself a break to feel like maybe that's enough for now.

Also, I know this may sound weird, but I'm actually a little bit envious of your partner because you clearly want to be there for her despite what you're going through. That's not a given and not the way that everyone reacts to stressful times. You could be blaming her and actively trying to hurt her as a way to cope with your own pain, and I don't get the sense that you're doing either of those things.

I hope you can get some rest this week and find some moments of peace.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Brownblob,

I can't add much to everyone's posts (they make me feel mute and inadequate ) but you certainly have friends here. And you should know that your replies to me when I first came on board were quite helpful, thank you.

About "doing nothing", I think it's the feeling of compulsion to be constantly doing things, or active, or that's "it's all on me" that gets exhausing, right?
Last I watched a 2 hour concert online, and it was good to "get away" for awhile. Not something I've done in a long time. And there was a long stretch where I forgot about music for awhile, after all the postings we did!

Can I encourage you to review your favorites list, and take a little time to listen to something that you know you've enjoyed in the past? Maybe it'll lift your spirits, at least for a little while..

Wishing you the best.

SD

[oak]

Brownblob, please post as much as you like. You are valued.

[snoringdog]

Hello Brownblob,

I saw your reply on the other thread, and thought I'd bump this one of yours, up.

Yes, it's so hard these days to find very much positive in the world.
(It's a constant struggle for me. At one point today I felt so overwhelmed by incoming work and mental pressures that I actually did curl up in a ball for awhile and went to sleep to try to escape).

But please reread this thread from the beginning to perhaps find a bit of encouragement, and know that you have friends here who are concerned about you.

Regards

SD

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry you're still having a rough time, brownblob. I'm always more than willing to listen. I know how it is to just not feel like getting into things, or feel like it won't help, or not have the energy. But you have friends here if you ever want to share more.

And I'm sorry you had such a taxing day, snoringdog. There seems to be more than enough stress to go around right now, even without added work stress. Hope you can get a bit of a mental break over the next few days.