How I feel right now

[rivergirl]

About my therapy fees, I took a small action yesterday. snoringdog, I kept thinking about your comment "you need to do this" and that helped me to take the action.

I have an HMO, so don't have the option for getting reimbursed even partially if I use a different therapist. The one I've been seeing for a long time stop accepting my HMO in the Spring since he feels the amount they reimburse is too low to cover his costs.

I don't usually contact my therapist outside of the therapy session, but yesterday I texted him to tell him that I've been worried because I don't feel like I can afford the fee. He replied almost right away to say we can discuss this at my session on Friday, and to think about what fee would work for my budget.

This seems like a small thing, but I feel relief for having brought it up.

Thank you, snoringdog. You gave me some courage to act.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Glad I could help. (Those five words in all that post? I'll try to be more brief next time... )

The insurance thing has always been annoying... Why does it have to be all or nothing?
With hospitals, if you have insurance OK... they accept a negotiated rate, but if you don't, then you pay list price??! (Though I have heard of them negotiating charges and payment plans at times).

As far as your doctor, if the HMO reimbursement rate isn't high enough, maybe he could accept that amount, and you pay the rest? Maybe explore that angle?

Years ago, I was trying to find a local psychiatrist, and went to one with my card (It was a major one like Blue Cross, never been on an HMO).

At one point, he started complaining to *me* about how difficult it was to work with them, and actually picked up the phone and started to navigate the menu system in a clearly annoyed way, holding up the phone so I could hear. Made me feel pretty bad, though I knew it certainly wasn't *my* fault, and certainly not a professional way for him to act. Needless to say "I took my business elsewhere"

Wishing you well.

SD

[rivergirl]

snoringdog,

Oh no, I didn't mean those were the only meaningful or helpful words in your post.

The therapy fee seemed like a less emotional topic to tackle, so I focused on that first.

I'm glad you're back to the forum. We need all the reinforcements we can get around here!

rg

[rivergirl]

snoringdog,

I apologize again for not replying sooner when you took the time to consider my concerns and reply in detail.

I tried a short exercise video and it felt good. I'm going to keep trying to do that each day.

About moving, I know that 15 miles doesn't seem that far. Right now with partial shutdown, there's less traffic so it might be a 20-30 minute drive. If traffic picks back up it could take as much as 45 minutes to an hour. Sometimes it seems like I would be okay on my own that far from my family, but on weekends when I'm feeling worse, that seems too far away. Also, with the current partial shutdown I wouldn't be able to go to any activity where I could meet people. I'm kind of frozen right now trying to decide what to do next about my living situation.

Again, appreciate your thoughtful comments so much.

rivergirl

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

No need to apologize! I was joking. Sometimes a small nudge or having something verbalized helps spur us, right? That's all I meant.

And yes, exercise certainly does help doesn't it? And there's no need for a whole lot of it, just enough to get a bit of circulation going, and to maybe disengage the brain a bit.

I understand about the distance with the added traffic. It's good you see your family as supportive, that's a blessing. There are so many instances where this isn't so....

(Don't know what else to add at the moment, so I'll end it there ... )

Wishing you well.

SD

[rivergirl]

Hi snoringdog,

I don't see my brother and his wife as being particularly supportive, but my mom will be with them, and they're basically all the family I have now.

Glad to hear from you, and hope you're doing well too.

rivergirl

[rivergirl]

I talked to my therapist about my fees this morning and it didn’t go well. I know it doesn’t make sense but I feel abandoned by him due to the way the conversation went. I’m sitting in a parking lot After dark near my work. I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can turn to and I don’t want to continue living any more.

[rivergirl]

I’m sorry to sound so distraught. I’m not going to do anything to hurt myself. I’m just feeling alone right now and so sad. I know a lot of people feel this way due to being more isolated now. I’m ashamed that I can’t soothe myself right now and tell myself that things will get better.

[brownblob]

Sorry you are feeling so bad. I know it will be a long weekend for you. Please be safe.

[Beany Boo]

S - should
H - have
A - already
M - mastered
E - everything

Abandonment is your thing and possibly what you brought to your therapist in the first place to work through. It’s not a coincidence that it’s hammering you at this moment.

As much as it hurts right now to stay in the conflict, it’s also okay to feel deeply disappointed in his choices. Your disappointment won’t break the relationship. You deserve to act out a little. You can still talk it through with him next time to check what (the fuck) happened. And you can still make adult decisions in the meantime.

Also, as much as it hurts, stay as present as you can manage. Notice and observe as much as you can about this state. It will help you wind it down and also, serve you the next time to respond to the unpredictability.