Self-Compassion and Self Forgiveness

[TonyM_Guest]

So, I imagine that many people had a similar day to myself yesterday. Watching election results come in apparently triggered some low-lying anxiety in me that I was not consciously aware of. In retrospect, I think I was also feeling a bit "off" yesterday because the 2nd is my mother's birthday and there is still unresolved pain there.

In the midst of the evening with results coming in, my kiddo started asking some questions and I started losing my cool. I didn't even realize it at the time. Then, my kiddo and my wife had a tense interaction and I tried to help them cool it down but all that happened was that things escalated wildly. Eventually, I felt like both of them turned on me and I lost my temper. I lashed out at both of them and said very hurtful things. Everyone in the family ended up crying. It was not good at all. I did what I typically do and I turned in on myself and started my cycle of self-loathing. Eventually I went to bed.

When I awoke, I meditated like normal but I feel myself really pre-occupied with how disappointed I am in my behavior. this is particularly hurting me right now because I am trying to follow a Buddhist path and be a lay practitioner of that spiritual tradition. I feel like I really fell off the wagon.

I have apologized (multiple times) to everyone involved. I _do_ feel a bit like I want some apologies from them for their part in the situation but I'm trying not to "take their inventory" and focus solely on myself. I think I've made enough amends for my own actions but I'm now stuck in that pit at the bottom of a "bad" situation where I know only time will relieve the pain.

Just putting this out there in the community so that it doesn't stay bottled up and perhaps it might help someone else in a similar situation feel less alone.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Tony,

I am sorry this happened to you. For me, it is so painful when I think I have things under control, and I have a blow up.

I _do_ feel a bit like I want some apologies from them for their part in the situation but I'm trying not to "take their inventory" and focus solely on myself.

This is so smart.

Please don't use Buddhism as a stick to beat yourself with. All humans "fall off the wagon".

Please take care.

[snoringdog]

Hello Tony,

Yeah, I know about the residual emotional "hangover" after incidents like this, and it does take awhile to subside. (What part of the brain is responsible for this?)

Maybe it's too soon, but might it be possible to discuss the mechanics of what happened, and why, with your family? There a several factors at play as you've described, and everyone brought something to it....
(These scenarios always have Rashomon quality to them, don't they?).

Maybe understanding intellectually first, then exploring the emotional aspects? And then maybe how to avoid escalation the next time around?

All very obvious I'm sure, just throwing this out your way...

Regards

SD

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Tony, it definitely helps to read this.

When I return to the rageful atmosphere of my childhood home and think about having been an unwitting vessel for that rage, I realize how easy it is to accept that the anger in the room belongs to me and that I’m simply not in control of my own emotions somehow.

Somehow.

I’m just very good at swimming in ‘it’ now but now, I can also feel my own anger only, in the middle of that rageful ocean. My own feelings are right-sized somehow. The rest of what’s present belongs to the others who share the space; and to the multitude outside.

You’re post reminds me I’m not alone.