Speed Bumps!

[Beany Boo]

It’s not a ‘perfect moment’ or even ‘a good feeling’ moment. It’s just an experience of extra space, a few more seconds or conscious observation of the mess. It’s letting go of trying to ever get things right. It’s the command to slow down, stop, take the long way, do unnecessary steps or accept the mistake. It’s taking a moment to deliberately step back from an aggressor.

It’s any choice based on the belief that ‘what goes up must come down.’ We all have a baseline. The stress goes up. Mindfulness is any choice that helps it sink or float back down again, towards the baseline. In the meantime, while it does, anything useful might occur.

Food that gives prolonged energy, exercise that makes you aware of your body and breathing, minimising contact with stressful people and sleep all help. And letting feelings fully land. And letting yourself have a response about them that naturally takes time and is unpredictable.

Expecting less, accepting more, trusting you can decide

Giving over to uncertainty, but knowing that it’s usually conditional

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Beany!

It’s not a ‘perfect moment’ or even ‘a good feeling’ moment. It’s just an experience of extra space, a few more seconds or conscious observation of the mess.

This is profound.

For me, the times where there is a gap between stimulus and response are very rare to me. Maybe a dozen brief flashes of time during the day. The rest of the day I am in a emotionally stressful and painful autopilot of my learned negative behaviors. So when i perceive and can mindfully act within a gap between stimulus and response, i really try to praise myself for doing very good.

As an aside, the trick of writing down everything i need to do today when the list is far larger than a day's worth of work, i write it all down in a Google Sheets spreadsheet, then use Google Pick a Random Number ( https://www.google.com/search?q=pick+random+number ) to pick one of the rows, and just work on that one for a bit until the anxiety is too much, then i pick a new random row, and so on peck slowly at all my tasks. This trick of doing things really saved my butt today.

[manuel_moe_g]

Just finished therapy session, here is the session mind-map ---> https://mm.tt/1695191726?t=TmrssMEkJG

[oak]

Oh excellent.

If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, may I ask (if it is not too prying) if your counselor is available via bettterhelp?

[Beany Boo]

A dozen is a lot in my experience. Definitely celebrate during those. No need to multiply or improve them though. If anything I would trust in a process of change. Those moments exist in a context that may continually unveil itself. The pain may be something clambering to be heard. It feels urgent I suspect but, there’s no rush. You might be reaching for a clearer feeling of trust; rather than greater productivity.

Anyway it sounds like you’re in the middle of it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, Oak. No, my therapist doesn't use the betterhelp network.

Hello, Beany.

A dozen is a lot in my experience. Definitely celebrate during those. No need to multiply or improve them though. If anything I would trust in a process of change. Those moments exist in a context that may continually unveil itself.

Yeah, but I wish they would be more, those dozen instances where i can act inside of a gap between stimulus and response. But i hear what you are saying.

Let me just type here what i wrote on a 3x5 card during my therapy session.

[side 1 - physical stance to hopefully encourage myself to Nurture myself]

1. head tilted up, eyes closed
2. open arm stance
3. imagine feeling warm sunshine on face
4. imagine can breathe in light breeze

[side 2 - mantra statements to hopefully encourage myself to Nurture myself]

1. You are my priority
2. You are resilient
3. You are active
4. I am my priority
5. I am resilient
6. I am active
7. Thank you

[snoringdog]

Hello Manny,

Good stuff there!

Isn't it funny that writing positive things down, referring to them as needed, and internally verbalizing them actually helps?

I wish it were automatic for me, but it's not. I too need frequent reminders like this, and to remember that I'm not a victim, but do have agency.

Be well.

SD

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi SnoringDog!

I too need frequent reminders like this, and to remember that I'm not a victim, but do have agency.

This is my issue as well. The combination of my mental nature and my upbringing made my habitual responses to be passive and self-victimizing.

I wish I could 100% blame my parents, but it is also my born nature doing this.

I hate that I am 50 years old and still working on this kind of stuff. My therapist says it is never too late, but it still feels juvenile and embarrassing.

[rivergirl]

Hi Manuel Moe,

I admire your perseverance in working on these issues. I don't see what you're going through as juvenile, but as a sign of maturity.

Becoming more mindful is a long process, since it involves becoming aware of and then changing lifelong habits of thought.

One analogy I heard recently in an online meditation course I'm taking is that our minds are like a train station, with different thought trains pulling in all the time. If we start noticing the route that these trains tend to take, we can choose whether or not to get on a given train or not at a given time. It's a bit of an oversimplification but since I've been thinking of it this way I've sometimes been able to avoid going into the same repetitive long negative ruminations as frequently.

I mainly just wanted to say that I support your efforts and appreciate you sharing them. I had the same reaction as Oak in wishing that I could see your therapist. That's a positive testament to you & the work you're doing.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

"... our minds are like a train station, with different thought trains pulling in all the time......., we can choose whether or not to get on a given train or not at a given time."

What a great way to think about it!
....Do I want to get on this thing or not...?

No, not this time! ... But oh ... Wait..... what's this.... ticket in my pocket?!

(Not to mention the weekly/monthly passes we sometimes purchase for ourselves)