Desperate to escape

[rivergirl]

I apologize in advance for taking up more space to talk about myself, in a way that isn't uplifting or helping anyone else.

Ongoing Covid isolation seems to be wearing away any remaining mental health resilience that I had after the losses and struggles of the past five years.

My coping strategies seem less effective and I'm struggling every day now with anxiety, depression, grief, and sometimes unbearable loneliness. I have feelings of claustrophobia when at home, and even in the offices at work sometimes it's so strong that I want to just run out of the building, but there's nowhere to go. I can feel unsafe anywhere, at any time. I'm ashamed that I've been having frequent thoughts of ending my life because I feel desperate to escape, but I also think I lack the courage to actually carry this out.

Reaching out to let my therapist and a few other people know what I'm going through has helped in the past, but not recently.

I'm not sure why I'm even sharing this, except to try to lessen a little bit the feeling of being utterly alone.

rg

[oak]

Rivergirl, I'm glad you posted. Post as much as you like. I am sorry you are suffering so.

May I offer some thoughts? If so, do you mind if I speak in a blunt, but not unkind, way?

A Dutch uncle, if you will: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_uncle

[Beany Boo]

No need to apologize RG. Talk about you all the time if it works.

It sounds like helping others is what’s draining you, because they take so much or they won’t take the help you have to offer.

It’s difficult if people don’t know what you’re going through. Hey, it’s difficult if they do. This is so serious. Where’s the love and kindness?

Something is triggering you and bringing you down and exhausting you.

I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t want my help to make you feel guilty, although that’s probably unavoidable.

If you can’t let it all fall apart, at least contemplate what it would be like to let everyone take care of themselves and let you be you without any conditions attached.

Take care and let others take care of you.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Beany and Oak, for making me feel like I'm not outside the boundaries of human acceptance.

I'm open to any advice, Oak.

I suddenly just became literally exhausted and think I'm going to have to lie down for a while.

[Beany Boo]

Something tells me what you’re going through is a variant on the most common experience on the planet. I’m going through something similar.

It’s infuriating that you’re being expected to cope with this. I’ve no right since I don’t know them, but I’m quietly (and respectfully) ashamed of the people around you.

Recover and rest.

[brownblob]

Don't apologize for taking up space. I can relate to a lot of how you are feeling. My life has lost all meaning and I feel alone in the world. I feel like I am just existing.
Sorry I don't have any answers or advice.

[rivergirl]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, brownblob. If I thought I could say something to help I would, but I know there's no easy answer for such deep and long-standing issues. You're a good person and you don't deserve to feel so bad.

rg

[rivergirl]

Just wanted to express my gratitude again for this space and for the compassion I received in response to my post.

I was functioning better today and got out of the house, although underlying fear and sadness are still pretty close to the surface.

I figured out some of the things that were triggering me at the end of last week, and am trying to process them.

Thank you guys for being here.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Just saw your post from the 16th , and it sounds like you're having bouts of severe anxiety. (Claustrophobic episodes)

I'm a bit claustrophobic in the physical sense of not liking to be in confined spaces where I don't feel in control,
but have also felt *mental* claustrophobia when thoughts and anxieties just keep pressing in, and it's like a real physical pressure.
(My posture changes, breathing becomes shallow, and I want to jump out of my skin).

That kind of mental turmoil is very hard to put up with for long, and it's natural to want it to stop.

Don't question why you're "sharing this". - You're asking for help which is a survival mechanism, and a very good thing.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better from your latest post.
But another episode is sure to occur. (Not wishing it at all, but we all seem to be cursed with these cyclic mental states..).

Maybe keep a small piece of paper in your pocket?
With a note that Oak, Beany, Manny, Brownblob, and Snoringdog are concerned, and waiting to hear from you, no matter how bleak things seem at the moment....

Be well.

SD