Looking for a home

[rivergirl]

I'm supposed to go look at a condo rental in an hour. My heart is racing and I'm shaky. I don't know if I'll make it to the appointment or not. Somehow each time I look at a place to live it feels like the last chance I have to move, and also like whether or not I take the place, my decision will have catastrophic consequences. I think in a way I've been going through an extremely slow-motion version of feeling homeless for about five years, since I knew I wasn't going to be getting married and living as part of a family. I dread starting over alone again at my age.

The condo I was supposed to look at was built back when I was in college in the early 80's, and it feels like somewhere I should have lived back then, not now. It's on an upper floor and has underground parking and an elevator to get to the unit. The idea of the parking and the elevator are filling me with irrational dread right now.

I'm not sure why I wrote this, but appreciate having the space to do it.

The sun is bright, there's a cool breeze, and I can see that its a beautiful day. I wish that I could experience that without the underlying sense of dread and strangeness. I wish that I could feel okay for one weekend day again, the way that I used to be able to.

rg

[oak]

Rivergirl! I'm glad you posted this. Since time is of the essence, I have two resources for you, below. When there is more time, I can offer some more thoughts. But for now:

1. Do you know what an anxiety exposure hierarchy is? If not, Google it right now.

Go through as many steps as you feel comfortable today, with this condo.

When you have more time, write out (even if it is on the back of an envelope), a bit more detailed anxiety exposure hierarchy (5-10 items is best).

2. I thought of you when I saw this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObbSup-Xg50

[Beany Boo]

It’s ironic.

Your thought process sounds similar to my boss’s who has a wife and 5 kids. And my head of department, who has a luxury home paid off and a wife. And me, who has just me and a rental. I don’t know what the similarity is exactly.

It feels like every decision is a commitment to a life long trajectory; a trajectory not your own, which you never agreed to, or at least can’t remember agreeing to. Even if you could choose, you don’t know what a different decision would even look like. You’re locked in, whatever that means.

Just because it feels like the rest of your life, it’s only a stage. You don’t have to choose this condo, even when it feels like you must. Just because this decision feels horrible does not mean you’re bad at decision making. Grief makes us rigid, particularly in our confirmation bias, and flexibility feels like a punishment, or a loss.

Make decisions. Whatever you do, don’t not make decisions. It sort of doesn’t matter what ultimately happens to you (in that no one can predict or has to). As long as you feel like your innate capacity to make decisions will continue. That’s vital, it’s your birthright; whether you’re homeless or in a family. You don’t even have to change your life. Just your mind, whenever you feel the pull.

Make a minimum one decision you want to make. If you don’t know what that would look like, then that is very interesting; and common; and to be expected. Your grief response in this post though, has noticeably shifted from previous. There’s more air in it somehow. And your last sentence was like a thunderclap. Simple as it seems, that is something to want. Which is to put time into it, and take time and effort back from other ‘important’ areas to devote it to your one day. Focus on it regularly, like it is more important than it should be. What you want for yourself has that quality.

That’s what I’m doing.

[manuel_moe_g]

I don't have anything specific like Oak and Beany, but I want you to know I am pulling for you too. Please take care, keep the lines of communication open.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Beany & Oak. I wasn't expecting a response, especially so quickly, and am feeling a bit foolish now.

I will definitely check out the anxiety hierarchy, Oak. I'll also watch Key & Peele, when my anxiety is low enough that I can see it as comedy and not as my future reality.

Beany, I apologize for bringing up homelessness when you came so close to truly experiencing it recently. Thank you for not taking offense at my insensitivity. You gave me a lot to think about. I know what I want in a macro sense, but even though I'm taking some small steps in that direction, it still feels so far off that it seems like a fantasy. Perhaps I need to allow myself to discover some more easily satisfied wants along the way.

I did go to the condo appointment, and I feel better that I followed through. The condo didn't seem remotely acceptable. Dark enclosed stairwell, claustrophobic interior, all the elements that I don't think would be mentally healthy for me. The only way I can reframe the visit in a positive way is that I now know what the complex is like, and can eliminate it from my list of possible rentals. I also managed, despite intense anxiety after the appointment, to drop off a jacket at the cleaner's, get my car washed, and get some groceries. Not exactly a hero's journey, but in my physical & mental state it felt like a small victory.

Thank you again for reading my post & for acknowledging my feelings.
rg

[rivergirl]

Thank you too, Manuel Moe. Just saw your post, and it means a lot to me.

[Beany Boo]

No offense taken. I can manage my stuff, while you are struggling with stuff yourself.

The tasks you completed were heroic given that you’re energy is also going into negotiating your future security. I believe in the momentum of routines to get you through those chaotic passes.

Just follow the drill.

Even though you’re supposed to be ‘giving it your best’, sometimes that simply means continuing to participate. Eat, sleep, stay clean.

[oak]

You are doing all of this in the middle of a plague.

Any of these things we face would be difficult enough. Remember that we're accomplishing something...anything!... during a global crisis.

I think we'll look back, in 5-10 years, and wonder how we all made it.

[snoringdog]

Hello RG.

Not exactly a hero's journey, but in my physical & mental state it felt like a small victory.

Hero's journey...I love it! This made me smile. It's hopeful to see you're maintaining a bit of perspective and humor in the midst of your suffering.

(Anxiety & depression do seem to make things seem more dramatic than they actually are, I've found. I'm constantly plagued with thoughts of failure or inadequacy..... Damn it! What a burden.)

Moving is such a stressor, don't underestimate it! But as Beany and Oak pointed out, it's not an all-or-nothing, black & white proposition. You have time and choices....

Don't be afraid at all to post. If nothing else, it gives us a chance to get out of our own thought-spirals, and maybe offer an encouraging word to someone else. (Works both ways, yaknow )

Be well.

SD

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your reply and your understanding, SD.

I'm beginning a 4-day weekend today and I may post updates here. It feels kind of silly and self-indulgent to think of doing that, but I anticipate it will be a challenge to get through that many days off.

Thanks everyone for being here.

rg