Work

[oak]

Well said, Beany Boo. Thank you for sharing.

I am hoping for some breakthroughs, or new understandings, about mistakes or "mistakes" at your work in the coming week.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

I’m someone who feels like a child who has to make adult decisions. Work feels like a punishment for having been a naughty burden when I was a child.

That’s the emotional truth anyway. I perform my work compulsively to mitigate/minimize that feeling of being punished.

I feel like I’ve learned whatever lesson was to be learned, at this point. Either I wasn’t a naughty burden or it’s normal to be a naughty burden and it’s time to unpack that in a less compulsive environment.



That results in the world bringing a whole field of mistakes into focus. And also, today it reveals people around me confused that work is so... confusing? And other people compulsively avoiding that observation.

That’s the takeaway for today.

[manuel_moe_g]

I’m someone who feels like a child who has to make adult decisions. Work feels like a punishment for having been a naughty burden when I was a child.

This is so deep. So much here.

I feel like the weakest link in every situation, I can't even deal much less make decisions and follow through. Work feels like something that just reveals me to be weak and punishes me for it.

Your wisdom and depth of insight and expression make you unique, Beany. Please take care.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MM,

I definitely feel you.

I posted that on the bus this morning. It was almost like a recipe for the day.

I felt less compulsive and more listen-y at work. I really felt the emotion in people’s voices without feeling frightened by it, which is my usual reaction.

I practiced not needing to be heard by people. It’s something I obsess over. I think this was a real problem growing up. Whatever it seemed to take, I managed to not need that level of attention from others this afternoon. And it gave me back a lot of energy and even some confidence.

I ended the day with my usual scary future but there was a new urge to not ramp up the fear; to just let it be a hill I was rolling down on a skateboard. I just had to relax, breathe and focus to stay upright.

[Beany Boo]

So I’m on the bus again. I thought I’d write the recipe again this morning; maybe build some momentum.

Woke up with less weight, emotionally, this morning. I went to writers’ group last night so that probably contributed. Beautiful, beautiful night out.

Woke with less weight but still a little scared of the shadows. Not too homeless.

There’s the scary future. But it’s a resting scariness. When I rest on certain things they’re not definitely going to fail; they’re just cast in slightly too much doubt.

I think today will be a sea floating with mistakes and me not desperately needing to be heard by every person who objectively could provide that by coming into proximity.

It’s a little unnerving to have this facility at the moment. Caution. And I blame the breathing exercises.

Off we go.

Also, just now, I shuffled quickly from my residence to the bus stop and caught the bus with seconds to spare and not out of breath.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

[Beany Boo]

Was feeling stressed and put upon at my desk.

I saw the boss coming.

A little voice spoke up in my head. I stood up and stepped away from my desk.

He had a quizzical look.

“I don’t like being stood over.” Which is completely true though I didn’t know it until then.

The field of mistakes has shifted to filter only ones that produce an advantage for me. It moves in and out of focus.

The boss said his piece and walked away more deferent than usual.

I felt a sense of dignity I’d been seeking my whole life.

***
So that’s marked my new timeframe; from hectic frustration to significant result: 3 weeks.

[manuel_moe_g]

This is a very interesting set of actions and interactions. Very interesting that your body knew to stand up instinctively and your voice knew to say “I don’t like being stood over.” all without conscious thought. Very good to know that automatically you know to advocate for yourself.

[oak]

Well done: an excellent example of using your words.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak & Manuel,

There’s a compulsive urge I get to be motivated, which evaporates when it’s not fulfilled in the moment I have it. The loss is quite painful.

I began this morning to let it extend over several breaths. I say let, it just began to extend.

It’s difficult to tolerate the idea of following something I want, after so much disappointment.

I think it might be okay to regain the will to do so though.

I’ll start the 3 week timer.

[Beany Boo]

So it’s been a fairly uneventful first week, in a good way. I’m observing mistakes from a distance and others being indecisive. Letting my mistakes play too and to rest without acting on my own indecision is tolerable.

Then I had my first positive compulsive thought, ever I guess. It doesn’t really make sense. I do experience a positive valency though whatever it means to my psyche:

“I can make a beyond”

As usual it seems to be ‘designed’ to mean altogether too many things at once. Anyway, I can make a beyond, apparently.