Work

[Beany Boo]

It worked.

I made a beyond.

And no one will know:

How beautifully chaotic or,
How grinding-ly banal was the mystery
Or how singularly bespoke was the fix

Except me, and from what I’ve shared, you.

And it came down to a random error by someone, somewhere, which I prompted them to realize.

And they apologized, which never happens.

Humility. I can make it.

[Beany Boo]

I had a revelation today.

I don’t exist.

Well I don’t exist as myself for most people.

It sounds awful. It’s not. It’s actually a huge relief.

It’s a huge block of work that I was doing, that I now no longer have to.

Of course I exist. Except in many situations.

If I can read the difference, I’ll regain a lot of mental energy.

[snoringdog]

I think I understand, if you mean that we assume that others see us the same way we see ourselves....

That is, our self-perception (negative, usually) is "truth" for those we meet and interact with, and will negatively affect out interactions with them.

So..... we need to constantly anticipate and react, instead of simply "being" and interacting with them in a straightforward way.

It's the anticipation and constant internal recalibration that's so exhausting.
All due to excessive "self-awareness" in the same vein as being "camera shy" - that is, being awkward when feeling "exposed" or examined....

[Beany Boo]

Yes, you got it

[Beany Boo]

I asked my boss a simple question to which I knew he knew the answer. But he couldn’t answer. I asked it a couple of different ways, until he gave me the answer I needed to continue my work. Then he started asking me questions, which seemed to get him aroused into telling me belligerently how I should be working. He seemed affronted by my request for help. I tried to keep responding in a diplomatic way. Finally, he said, “well, I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.”

It’s something he says to people on a regular basis and it felt manipulative when he said it here. I paused for a moment to interrupt his timing and then replied gently and kindly, “Shall we end the conversation in that case?”

He didn’t have a response. It felt like I’d deflated whatever was happening though.

[oak]

"Heh heh heh"

That is what Iol'd when I read what you said to him.

Look at you.

People certainly don't like defining their terms, do they?

[Beany Boo]

My boss had another go today. I think he might be undiagnosed with something; mildly sadistic. He almost can’t bear to listen to people. He reacts by attacking, in the first 20 seconds. I’ve seen it with several people now; he’s worse with women. At one point, he told me to “stop smiling”. Okay.

After his latest offensive I’ve shifted my response. Instead of feeling hurt or afraid afterwards, I did something new. I felt revolted.

It worked! The feeling felt more ‘right’. It passed more quickly too. I didn’t have to replay the incident forever or struggle to preserve some sacred idea of authority.

I actually feel pretty great now. I think maybe revulsion was ‘forbidden’ to me. Now it’s no big deal and protective.

[oak]

While it is not my place to say if you are being bullied at work (though you probably are, and perhaps worse), your boss’s behavior lines up 1:1 with every bully I’ve ever stood up to.

They really really don’t like the hierarchy messed with. Even if that hierarchy is broken, demented, evil, and pointless.

You just want to do your job and go home. They seem to thrive on these psychodramas.

[manuel_moe_g]

At one point, he told me to “stop smiling”.

Ugh, your boss is a garbage person. You deserve better, Beany

[Beany Boo]

Thank you guys,

Oh he’s definitely a bully.

Unfortunately, my experience is they’d rather ride a torpedo into a volcano than seek help.

Revulsion seems like the healthy response. I’ve never quite stuck the landing with it until now.

My culture is still about 10 or 20 years from helping ‘little people’ with the management of bullies.

That gives me plenty of time to refine and bolster my revulsion.



These are the rules:

1. Don’t be alone with them or ask them for anything
2. They assume intimate friendship (which is creepy under the circumstances) to which you didn’t consent
3. Anticipate their insult (designed to disarm you) and roll with it
4. Validate others’ encounters of bullying so they can confirm it was real