Work

[Beany Boo]

I think the way forward with developing my will is to become a more directed listener.

Modulating my emotional distance and looking for anything that clicks, while also taking time to process and respond. Learning to swerve around distractions. Practicing silence and also pausing to observe. And switching off completely to rest.

Starting the (almost) 3 week timer.

[Beany Boo]

I’ve surmised that the stuff I’m listening for is bullying and burnout.

I’ve started reading a fed gov committee on education and employment report on bullying.

I know it seems unlikely that deep directed listening will undo bullying, but that’s exactly my aim.

Bullying is predictive for burnout according to studies.

Obviously I have a vested interest in becoming resistant to bullying and burnout. I think I also hear a calling to dissolve the problem for the broader population.

I have my ear to the ground.

[Beany Boo]

Someone stood over me again today. It was a hectic day and I don’t think I had the wherewithal to stand up in time to not be stood over. It wasn’t a complete loss though. I did my best not to help the person. That worked out. I have to remember that for next time. And I talked it through with a colleague afterwards. It was a messy discussion because other people started chiming in and taking over. But I managed to use it to remind myself to physically stand up when my instincts tell me to.

I accept that I was tired and didn’t see it coming. I can’t stop people behaving badly. I feel more or less intact. It was definitely a struggle but I think I may have asserted myself sufficiently.

I was hyper-aware that I had dwindling mental energy to face the situation. That was new. I was keenly attuned to my limits, and to conserving myself moment to moment, as well as being careful to assert myself right up to the line as it were, without lashing out. I wasn’t trying to ‘win’ just, stay myself and not dissociate or abandon me.

I think I’m okay. I feel a bit punch drunk but I’m unwounded, emotionally. I think I may have managed.

[manuel_moe_g]

I was hyper-aware that I had dwindling mental energy to face the situation.

This is one of my challenges too. Can we reframe it as a "opportunity for self-compassion"? I know when I am tired, I just go through the motions and beg the universe for a chance to retreat into a dark, quiet place.

I was keenly attuned to my limits, and to conserving myself moment to moment, as well as being careful to assert myself right up to the line as it were, without lashing out. I wasn’t trying to ‘win’ just, stay myself and not dissociate or abandon me. I think I’m okay. I feel a bit punch drunk but I’m unwounded, emotionally. I think I may have managed.

Fantastic stuff, Beany! I wish I could say the same for me, to hold it together when i am tired.

Thank you for writing this thread, I am learning so much!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM,

The thing I notice about compassion is it is difficult to direct. It’s easier to just let it flow; over yourself, the person you’re facing, the surrounding world. I prioritize self-compassion. But if it goes beyond me and gets onto others and over stuff, I find it’s then easier to experience the part that I’m bathing in. Warning: it will have unpredictable effects.

[Beany Boo]

So my boss came to speak to me this week. But something surprising happened. He stopped short of coming into my space and kept his distance. It was like he was my neighbor and was talking to me over our mutual fence.

I think he may have taken the time to process the feedback I gave him about standing over me and this is his way of responding, and respecting the boundary I drew.

Even though I’m still very wary of him, I feel validated. I’ve also learned something too. Men maybe don’t want to be toxically masculine. But because they meet so little resistance, they don’t change. Who wants to hold their nose, and speak truth to power, right? It’s not easy leveling with them, but they are (at least in this case) capable of listening.

[oak]

Many a truth is spoken in jest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmvSgvy7a34

Besides being a chuckle (especially the song), this gets at several truths. Note that, right before his comeuppance, he isn't even looking at the others. Also, I like to think that you enforcing your space boundaries are much like the man in the white coat. Lastly, please note his face when the RV horn sounds. So good.

Here is my larger theory on bullies:

1. They have status from something fleeting (beauty, youth, money, attention, institutional power, privilege).
2. They fear they're about to lose that status.
3. They ill-advisedly lash out, to bolster their identity.
4. Most people, like the initial people in the clip above, really don't want to get into about dumb, petty stuff, and let it go. It just isn't worth it most of the time.
5. Until someone has had enough, either because they've learned new behaviors in boundary-creating or they're predisposed to give it right back (our brother in the clip).
6. Later, they still gaslight/obstruct/project, and never own responsibility. (Such a sad, small way to live!)

Your boss, a small and unfortunate soul, let this situation get away from him, from his humanity. They're always so surprised when they meet a Southern Gentleman.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

He definitely displays signs of being in active addiction.

My ACOA reaction would be to help him, albeit dysfunctionally, by pretending everything is normal.

So it surprises me when I actually let him manage on his own, and instead protect my space, my own sobriety as it were.

I guess I’ve learned it’s safe to not involve myself and respect my own boundaries, newly discovered.

[Beany Boo]

Friday was horrible. I kept getting mental ‘messages’ that I was terminally invisible and that the world was trying hard to discard me. I don’t think it was coincidental that I’d been opening up to new vulnerability moves; not ‘holding my tongue‘, letting sadness roll, taking a long moment to consent to respond to people, and then only consenting on the proviso that my response belonged profoundly, to me. I guess it allowed me to listen to the world’s telepathic messages as, “we all really want to just flush you down the toilet today”, and then actually feel (as long as I liked) my annoyance and disappointment that ‘they’ felt it was okay to even talk to me that way.

I continued listening and tolerating the quality of the messages across the day but in the end I got exactly what I wanted, more so than usual. As I got it I felt a satisfying sadness. The sadness felt safe; like I was responding accurately to reality by feeling that way.

I then happened to be able to help a colleague (who has recently gone into remission) with the information (I gained, by persevering) to get his Covid vaccination in a much more timely fashion. I seriously dislike this colleague. I do like that the way that I managed and responded to my feelings directly assisted him, another person, in a significant way.

It was the perfect ‘fuck you!’ to all those messages.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, BeanyBoo.