This is me right now.

[None4you]

Hi from California.
I hope everyone is doing well, and living strong.
Let me start by saying that this podcast has helped me immensely. I have been able to piece together my trauma by listening to others bravely expressing their pain. Verbiage. Having the words is so crucial to healing. And that's what this podcast did for me.
My father died a raging alcoholic in 2019. He lived with me and my family. I found his body.
Within my grief the memories flooded in. The snapshots of abuse and trauma began to collate with the emotions and feelings I have been dragging around all my life. Its all demanding to come out now- Its all bubbling up to the surface. With lightning speed it seems I am finding out who I really am and how my life had been defined up until the day my father died.
The Scapegoat.
I am the family scapegoat. This is a new term for me. At 50 something I am finally learning my place in the family lineup and its been a dark road for sure. I'm still processing it all. Not in therapy currently. I was taking Effexor for over a decade. It saved my life in the beginning, but I've been off it a few months because I felt numbed out and I couldn't feel my life.
So I stopped cold turkey just in time for the family fun.
I've always had great timing.
I am the executor of my fathers estate. Not a good look for the family Scapegoat.
My eyes were opened, and my education began, when one of my daughters was approached by a friend of my sisters.
She told my daughter that I should be ashamed of myself for how I've treated my family
Eventually it all came out -
My mother(divorced from my father 30+) and three siblings have started and are continuing this negative narrative that I am a scammer and a thief.
That my father had a Will -That I've done something with this will - There was no will.
That I have stolen thousands of dollars from the estate. They even called the probate lawyer to say as much. Complete BS.
One of my sisters told me that I was a toxic human that nobody wants to be around, but her "daughter still loves me"
My brother told me when I finally called him out as one of my abusers to "get over it" that my anxiety was annoying, and that it was really screwing up any future "family picnics" He also told me that I could see his kids whenever I wanted. This baffles me.
I am estranged from all of them at this point. This is not the first time I've had to cut off my mother and brother. I say good riddance.
This is unfortunately the first time I've had to cut off my sisters. Which has been devastating.
To my mother and brother. Money is power. Being in charge of my dads estate gives me power, and they cannot have that.
Does that seem crazy?

The only thing I can do now is stay quiet and be ready.
I pray this probate ends soon.
Be well.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello None4You, welcome to our little forum.

Thank you for taking the time to write this post. I really feel for you, having so many traumatic things happen all at once. It is not fair that your own family are all so greedy and that they are energized by greed to be so toxic to you, you don't deserve it.

Please use this forum as a resource, keep the lines of communication open, wishing you well.

[oak]

Welcome!

We may be separated at birth: like you I am the black sheep of the family, and while I respect Effexor, I’m a Buspar man myself.

You are not alone.

[brownblob]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found the podcast. It has also been a great resource for me. I am sorry for all you have and are going through, but it sounds like you are handling yourself pretty well.

[JennaM]

I, too, was burdened with my abusive father while he was in his last years (thankfully not as a resident in my home!), and it did a number on me to have to direct the care and manage the finances of this person who had done so much damage to me. I constantly wondered if I was trying hard enough, being fair, being compassionate enough, etc. I felt almost nothing when he finally died. At least one of my siblings and several of my father’s friends and siblings had things to say about my choices and efforts. But were they prepared to step in? Did they offer a dime towards his wake and funeral costs? Some didn’t even show up on the day.

I’m telling you this because while I wasn’t always great at remembering it myself, I believe those people are dealing with their own guilt, ambivalence, insecurity, fear, etc., none of which you can fix. Even if you could do things they are asking for or write them all checks for thousands of dollars, they’d be back eventually with more accusations and demands. It has nothing to do with you (the person - reminder! - burdened with your father in the end). It’s just that they’ve responded differently to his dysfunction than you have. They think they can’t hold him accountable if they loved him, because that’s what he taught everyone by withholding his own love and care from them. You’re an easier target.

You’ve done beautifully, friend, and you should hold your head high. Tell that little shit spreading rumors that karma’s no joke and she’d better prepare herself for the day her mother’s affair with her school principal gets out.

At my father’s wake, I gave out scratch tickets to everyone and made them all sing the Wild Irish Rover (a pub song about a prodigal drunk), but I encouraged my fawning sibling to give the eulogy and made sure the local Marine detachment came and did their thing. The minister did me the favor of choosing readings that didn’t canonize him a saint, but talked about the power of reconciliation and humility. It was a tribute I could just about live with, and I don’t regret prioritizing my need for “truth” that way at all. In fact, the night my father died in his nursing home, he summoned each of the aides who’d cared for him and asked for forgiveness, something he’d never done in his life. I cling to that. He knew how much he’d hurt people.

And so did your father somewhere deep down. He lived with you because he could trust you and probably no one else offered, right? Cling to that. He knew you were good. The others have no standing in this situation. They just want, as you so aptly point out, a scapegoat. Let them have it. It solves nothing. They won’t get what they think they’re after with that smug self-righteousness. Don’t waste another second of your one wild and precious life trying to convince them of that. It won’t work and it’s not your job.

You’re doing beautifully. Keep going. Find that therapist, smudge your father’s room while the Wild Irish Rover plays in the background, and be really really gentle with yourself. You are good. You did beautifully. Invite those who can’t see it to leave your head now and find somewhere else to spew. The pub’s closed.

XxooJennaM

[remarks]

Welcome None4You,

You are going through a lot right now. Remind yourself of that. It can be hard for me to show compassion for myself when I'm in a stressful situation, and I think you may have the same struggle. Try to be patient with yourself and allow yourself some healthy outlets to deal with all of this. Basically, treat yourself like you'd treat a close friend if they were in this situation.

I wish you all the best!