3-day weekend

[rivergirl]

If anyone reads this, please bear with me as it's probably going to be a repetitive post. I'm also ashamed once again that I'm an adult and yet afraid of having a day, or worse a few days, off work. I told myself I would not post about this weekend, but here I am.

The small plan I had to connect online with an out of state friend this evening had to be cancelled. I don't know if I'll see my brother's family on the 4th since they haven't returned my call about getting together. I'm realizing that I have even fewer people in my life after the Covid lockdown than I did before. The past few weekends I've told myself I'll do activities on my own some days: walk at beach or park, movie, etc. but I don't follow through.

I feel lightheaded and dizzy, and I think if I try to figure things out and make any major decisions today, my mind will just spin with self-recriminations, anxiety, and grief. I'm going to try to do only the basic tasks I have to do and start fresh tomorrow. I'm just wishing that I had one person I was close enough to that I could ask them to spend a few hours with me this weekend so that I could at least temporarily feel safe and connected to the world.

rg

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for posting. I, along with the others, are glad you did. You’re hanging in there.

Feel free to post each of the three days. We’ll be interested to hear how you are doing.

[Beany Boo]

This could be me because, you don’t ever mention it explicitly. But, I sense a theme that you are searching for someone to save you. I think that urge is entirely reasonable and adult. If that is true, then I just want to say I also search for people to save me, and it’s okay to do so without shame. It’s a desire that runs very deep. And if you give in to that desire you a) feel relieved and b) people show up and save you; in unexpected ways.

Or it’s just me

[brownblob]

You can post as often as you want or need. Not trying to push you, but it might be nice to lose yourself in a movie sometime for a couple of hours.
I know I have a partner, but outside of that I have no friends and am not close to family. I do know those feelings of isolation. I hope today goes okay for you.

[rivergirl]

Thank you oak, beany, & brownblob for the kind comments.

Beany, I may be looking for someone to save me (or a kind of mutual saving) because I don't feel like I've been able to save myself in the past six years. This weekend has been pretty agonizing, a mix of anxiety, grief, depression, and some derealization. I'm hearing people celebrate all around me, but it feels like maybe the world ended for me six years ago.

I'm considering trying another therapist, or possibly trying an online service called Brightside that incudes both therapy and medication, but I've lost faith that psychology and medication can help me when it seems like my main problems are grief and loneliness.

I have a photo session scheduled for July 28 for the photos I'd planned to use for online dating, but that also feels completely surreal and somehow shameful.

Thank you for listening.

rg

[oak]

Excellent: scheduling a photo session for online dating pictures is a great accomplishment. It demonstrates that you have hope.

That is something to celebrate.

[Beany Boo]

Do you have chronic pain? With your physical ailments I mean. I just ask to get a fuller picture. I’m not trying to diagnose or anything (against the rules).

[troebia]

I'm going to try to do only the basic tasks I have to do and start fresh tomorrow.

That really resonated with me, since that's what I do to survive. Also what you say about finding a therapist: I believe many of us need simply a circle of friends that are on our wavelength, not therapy. Now coming out of covid restrictions and imposed isolation here in Spain, I've become pickier and have decided that if there's no "vibe" I'm better off alone. Quality before quantity.

[rivergirl]

troebia,
I feel the same way about finding people who are on the same wavelength. If I'm around people I don't connect with I find myself longing to be alone. How open are things now in your part of Spain?

beany,
For some reason "ailments" made me smile. I just have one ailment really, an autoimmune disease that I've had for about 10 years. I'm not in pain as long as the immune suppressant drugs I take keep working. I do worry about the long-term drug side effects, and unintended consequences like the recent hearing loss I had when I stopped taking the medication in order to get my Covid vaccinations.

[Beany Boo]

I apologize if this is presumptuous but I heard this podcast episode recently and thought of you. Not the fibromyalgia per se but some of the points about immune issues and women’s health.

It might be helpful (might be nothing).

I’ll give the title rather than the link because I’m uncertain of international compatibility:

Podcast is Full Story
Episode: Fibromyalgia and treating chronic pain