3-day weekend

[techchick]

rivergirl, as you're probably aware I relate to this so completely.

You sound like the kind of person that would be a lovely, interesting, caring friend. I think we live in a world where so many people evaluate each other on superficialities, and family can often be so toxic (or nonexistent) that it becomes really discouraging to those of us who feel deeply to find those needles in the haystack.

And I hear you on: how does one medically treat grief and loneliness. I've been in that conundrum for a long time. I'm hoping that medication will alleviate the worst of the "second arrow" thoughts about how I've somehow deserved to be lonely... and maybe it will simply become a bit easier to be around people for more than an hour at a time.

[nightcitysong]

If anyone reads this, please bear with me as it's probably going to be a repetitive post. I'm also ashamed once again that I'm an adult and yet afraid of having a day, or worse a few days, off work. I told myself I would not post about this weekend, but here I am.

The small plan I had to connect online with an out of state friend this evening had to be cancelled. I don't know if I'll see my brother's family on the 4th since they haven't returned my call about getting together. I'm realizing that I have even fewer people in my life after the Covid lockdown than I did before. The past few weekends I've told myself I'll do activities on my own some days: walk at beach or park, movie, etc. but I don't follow through.

I feel lightheaded and dizzy, and I think if I try to figure things out and make any major decisions today, my mind will just spin with self-recriminations, anxiety, and grief. I'm going to try to do only the basic tasks I have to do and start fresh tomorrow. I'm just wishing that I had one person I was close enough to that I could ask them to spend a few hours with me this weekend so that I could at least temporarily feel safe and connected to the world.

rg

Hey Rivergirl. I hope you're doing OK. I really relate to you post. I know the feeling of a lot of alone time and Covid isolation. I sort of dread weekends because my job gives me routine, purpose and connection with humans. We are social creatures and need one another.

You're not alone.

How are you feeling today?

[troebia]

troebia,
I feel the same way about finding people who are on the same wavelength. If I'm around people I don't connect with I find myself longing to be alone. How open are things now in your part of Spain?

It's much more relaxed now, and most falling ill now are unvaccinated people in their 20s mingling on beaches and in parks. I think most older people are still uneasy about crowds and sharing closed spaces, and it's going to take years before things become "normal" again for "normal" people. For those that struggle in social situations like myself, I think the change is practically permanent.

[rivergirl]

Thank you techchick, nightcitysong, and troebia.

It helps to know that I'm not the only one still feeling pretty isolated. I do feel like the social effects of Covid are going to persist longer for certain people (due to age, vulnerability to Covid, mental health effects of going through the shutdown, etc.) I certainly feel that way personally.

I actually ate dinner in a restaurant this evening for the first time in about 18 months. It felt reckless and I was self-conscious about being alone, but I found an ebook to check out and read during dinner, and I became absorbed enough in reading to forget about the other diners around me. (The book was Follow Her Home by Steph Cha.)

I think I was feeling the effects of withdrawing from previous anti-depressant more than I realized last weekend. Up until a couple of days ago I was dizzy every day, and not sleeping much. Weekends are never great, but this one has been more tolerable so far.

I hope everyone else is getting through the weekend okay.

rg

[oak]

RiverGirl, I’m glad your weekend is going better than usual. I hope you enjoy the ebook; books of all descriptions are one of life’s joys.

Also, I felt self conscious walking into a restaurant alone just now: I saw all the happy (some perhaps “happy”) couples and families walking in together; I felt bad. Then I remembered your post here, and it gave me courage.

[rivergirl]

Books of all types are also a big part of my livelihood, but I've barely been doing any nonrequired reading the past few years. Starting a novel was like finding an old friend.

I'm glad you went out too, Oak. I'm proud of us.

[snoringdog]

If we can just get you both at the same table....

[rivergirl]

Lol, I've thought about how nice it would be if forum friends could get together in person, but I have a feeling some of us might be hiding out in our cars instead of joining the group. It may be the anonymity that makes it possible for us to be open here. Maybe there could be a MIHH forum get together and it could be like The Masked Singer ... that might actually work for me in an online meetup too

[techchick]

I am up for an online meetup whenever it may happen. I'm also going to be in Waco, Texas for a doctor's appointment in August and will post elsewhere ... hoping someone lives close by.