Lost a friend

[rivergirl]

I just found out that a friend passed away yesterday evening. She was our long-time next door neighbor and she and I had spent time together and encouraged each other while going through difficulties of the past few years (she was widowed during that time). She had moved to a town about 15 miles away during Covid and I'd gone to visit her twice after we both had our vaccinations. She was diagnosed with cancer during Covid and had just started chemotherapy when she abruptly declined and went into a coma. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her.

I'm trying not to make this about me, but I feel like the number of people I've lost in recent years is a bit staggering. It feels like I never get out of the initial stages of grief because new losses arrive so quickly, and then there's the ongoing loss/anticipatory grief with my mom and my surviving sister.

[oak]

RiverGirl, I am sorry your friend died.

I am also sorry you have been through so much lately. Grief just seems to be awash everywhere. We are drowning in it.

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

I'm sorry that you lost your friend. It's harder when it's so unexpected.

And this *is* about you and the emotional burden that you're being forced to carry.

-----------------
(Not my business really, but can you have end-of-life conversations with your mom & sister? May make things easier, if that's at all possible???

I'm asking only because I also learned of the unexpected death of an acquaintance a few days ago, and went to his funeral on Friday. Also started to read the book "Let's Talk About Hard Things", that deals with conversations on death and other topics).

We're here to lend whatever support we can for you.

SD

[brownblob]

sorry for your loss River

[rivergirl]

Thank you oak, snoringdog, and brownblob. I appreciate the kind words.

I'm sorry for your loss too, snoringdog. Unexpected deaths are truly hard, even if not of a close friend or family member.

I'll take a look at the book you mentioned, sd. I'm avoidant when it comes to having hard conversations voluntarily, so I can use help in that area.

I'm not sure anticipatory grief is the right way to put my feelings about my sister. She could potentially live a long time, but in some ways it seems like she's already gone or just a ghost of her former self.

[oak]

How is this going, RiverGirl?

Also, is there a plan for the upcoming weekend?

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,
My brother and I have separately had end of life conversations with my mom, and I think we're all prepared in terms of her wishes and trying to say anything that needs to be said while there's still time. She has a will, advanced health care directive, etc. in writing. I guess it's the emotional impact that's hard for me to prepare for, especially given all these years we've lived together.

A few days ago my sister was moved to a skilled nursing facility that may be an improvement over the poor quality assisted living facility she was in for much of the past year. I haven't visited her yet but plan to do that soon.

I planned an oil change for this morning that has been completed, and this afternoon I'm going to look for a dress for my upcoming photos. I was pretty sure I'd go see the new Anthony Bourdain documentary today, but now am not sure if it's wise given my mood and the way his life ended.

I'm having a mixture of pretty bad anxiety, grief, and maybe a bit of derealization this morning, but I've found that it's better to get up and out of the house even with those feelings present, than it is to sleep late and stay home. I wonder if I'll ever get back to feeling better again. Thank you for asking, Oak.

rg

[rivergirl]

I went out yesterday evening by myself and had a few drinks before watching the movie.

I'm feeling ashamed today because I drank too much after not drinking during most of the Covid shutdown. I didn't really absorb much of the movie, and the theater had no social distancing or mask requirements. I was sitting between two strangers and nobody had masks on, and the alcohol started to give me a headache.

Trying to forgive myself today. I was deeply lonely yesterday, and trying to feel better. I think drinking was also a way to blunt the feelings of self-consciousness about being alone at a restaurant.

I don't have an issue with drinking generally, so I guess this is just a learning experience. Drinking alone is not going to make me feel better.

Thanks for listening.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

We're always listening (maybe a day or so late... )
Commendations on getting out of the house, and taking a positive step for yourself. It can be very hard.

And modulation of alcohol intake can be difficult, especially after a period of abstinence (Take it from a German / Irishman who knows ).

Someone said that we're evolved to love the effect but not the hangover...
If we could just maintain the first positive effects, right?

Wishing you well.

SD

[rivergirl]

Thank you, sd. My family background is German/Scottish and alcoholism is common in my family. I think I'm lucky(?) in that I can't physically handle too much alcohol, so that generally keeps me from overindulging.