Work

[brownblob]

"I heard yesterday, because of their experiences, chronic trauma sufferers crave extreme safety and self-protection; over making moves to connect with others."

This line sums up me. "Thank you Beany!" I holler from my cave.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks BB for validating that line. I actually think that reflex to crave extreme safety is a natural response. It’s difficult to talk about too without getting misunderstood.

[Beany Boo]

My bully manager pulled me into his office on Friday. He drained the life out of me over the course of an hour in basically a free therapy session for himself.

Today I excused myself for not meeting a colleague for drinks on Friday evening explaining out loud what happened above.

A moment later that same manager rounded the corner. I feel like he heard, although he didn’t react.

I wasn’t cruel, just matter of fact, in my recounting. It was a strange moment, being honest about his behavior with him so nearby. I feel liberated.

It’s funny, I spent the morning imagining going to HR about him. Now I feel kind of transformed.

I wish I could just say to him, ‘get therapy’ and he would listen. Meanwhile I keep searching for a way to safely walk away.

[oak]

I am sorry you are going through this, Beany Boo.

And I like how you were honest, and inadvertently let the boss know what is going on. Oftentimes we are most honest when we don't intend to be.

Lastly, I like your very last sentence; having been in extremely toxic work situations myself, eventually the only answer is to find another job. Whatever your path, we'll support you.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you

This time feels different. I feel strong enough to navigate this stuff now.

I can do this.

[rivergirl]

OMG, an hour? You deserve a raise, Beany.

[Beany Boo]

I know right?

I’ve recovered sufficiently (4 days later).

I’m painfully aware of my own insecurities and disadvantages. But I feel a new conviction to care for myself. Whether that’s recommitting to goals, or standing up for myself more, relying on those who I trust.

Or just believing in what I want and letting that take shape, without interruption.

In reality, I’m going to run into people like this manager wherever I head. But I can learn how to swerve around them. It could be a valuable move.

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck, Beany. I am glad you can be so philosophical about this crappy situation.

[Beany Boo]

Look, I think this manager is screaming out for therapeutic intervention and his hyper-masculine identity is preventing him from taking that step.

I’m eating better. I’m stronger physically than I’ve ever been. I’m speaking to family members. I’m making new friends. I’ve started a modest course of study or two. I’ve started to believe in the specificity of taking my own goals’ power (or vitality) seriously.

My instinct is to view this individual as an a-hole and avoid, escape or undermine his power (to just protect myself). But he’s a manager in a hospital during a pandemic. My observation is that he is slowly losing ground, while secretly being shaken to the core by the gravity of his responsibilities. He’s chained to his post essentially.

I guess my strategy is to protect myself while I continue to change. I’m not stuck. I’m floating in place.

My sole purpose in life today is to be who I am now and give others time to accept me as such.

[Beany Boo]

I managed my cognitive load a lot better today.

It’s getting simpler to titrate what I share with others.

I’m also letting go of my image; letting others see me however they will.

I don’t need to be liked. And for some reason that awareness draws people to me

I was alone on the bus and for once, I didn’t feel isolated. I was simply aware that in that particular moment, no one happen to be paying me attention. And seeing the distinction, it felt great.