Work

[oak]

I’m eating better. I’m stronger physically than I’ve ever been. I’m speaking to family members. I’m making new friends. I’ve started a modest course of study or two. I’ve started to believe in the specificity of taking my own goals’ power (or vitality) seriously.

I know commenting simply with "Nice" is trite, but it is altogether sincere. You are doing really well, and I'm pleased to see you demonstrate such courage. I may "borrow" some courage from your example above, now and then.

Mini rant

I often wonder, observing hyper-masculine men you describe, how they often outsource their neurosis, trauma, and brokenness to guys like me (and probably like you).

I could (and probably should) start a thread about toxic masculinity I've observed with my own two eyes and the destruction wrought thereby, but for now I just wanted to assure you that you are not alone in observing this pathology. Act III, after the inevitable breakdown, is to pretend to be surprised from the crimes/deaths of despair effected by their said pathology.

[Beany Boo]

Borrow away!

As to the rant, I think my goal is to stop letting myself be forced into situations, and to just feel the freedom to participate in something else that genuinely interests me, regardless of who is paying attention.

I need to re-purpose the wind this poor person is generating to let it blow me to my preferred port.

[Beany Boo]

Update

I had an interaction with that manager again. I am relieved to say I came out of it satisfactorily intact.

I’m starting to see that he is in an almost constant state of highly controlled panic.

Surprisingly, that is something I am long familiar with. His rigid masculinity won’t allow him to panic without reaching out to pull someone else in, to sort of expel his thoughts onto.

Anyway, I can just put aside my need for communication, and casually listen without having to commit to anything. I give myself 3 minutes of that. Then I try to reflect back anything I have heard him say.

It’s deeply unsatisfying, and somewhat disturbing besides, to see someone with authority behave that way. I wish he would seek treatment.

But I’m proud of myself for being able to walk away unscathed.

I have to add, I’m into my second week of wearing earplugs and my second month of only salads/vegetable soups for lunch. Along with daily meditation (5 - 20 minutes), a surge of uninterrupted quiet for thinking and vegetable energy is giving me a new lease of mental stamina.

I can also vaguely contemplate better avenues for expending it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Great news, Beany! I admire what you have accomplished.

[Beany Boo]

I turned a corner.

I’m vaguely aware of my controlling behavior.

It also pains me horribly to think of my boss as an a-****. Or it did.

This morning that’s changed. However he’s presenting, I don’t have to censor the image he’s emitting; through my replies, tone, level of attention etc. any longer.

Whatever a-**** means, to me, it doesn’t put me at risk anymore to let him, or anyone, freely act that way. My presence only permits, enables or encourages them - or signals them in any way - because they need it to.

The hope is, that that releases me from having to ‘solve’ or ‘save’ any more people as the simple ‘price of admission’.