Titration Thoughts

[manuel_moe_g]

You might bat away the touch inexplicably or, acquiesce but act out moments later in an unpredictable way; a way you wouldn’t when calmer.

I am very familiar with this.

[Beany Boo]

For me, the answer seems to be, negotiating consent.

Verbal consent, giving and withdrawing (“stop!”), but when that’s not available, physical consent, particularly the withdrawal thereof; stepping away, exhaling noticeably, creating awkward flow-disrupting pauses, making ample time for substantial reactions.

Consent is profound. But it takes patience and continual practice. Eventually your rage comes into play less. Even a little less feels like a victory.

[Beany Boo]

I’ve lost half an inch off my waist from eating salad for lunch for 2 months.

This week I’ve added to the salad lunch, a green tea mid-morning at work. I’ve also started niko niko running. I do this either to or from Pilates. I started Pilates about 18 months ago.

After a recovery period from the running on Saturday, I feel like I’m approaching a tipping point with regard to my physical condition. It’s not necessarily altering my mental health per se. But the physical is posing very little burden on the mental now, moment to moment.

It’s been a very incremental process. I wouldn’t call myself physically fit or correct weight. But I’m pretty satisfied with the results; most of which I wasn’t really expecting until I experienced them.

It has not been the result of discipline. I just sort of took opportunities that arose, went very easy and let habits form.

[oak]

But the physical is posing very little burden on the mental now, moment to moment.

Nice.

[Beany Boo]

I had 3 or 4 nights of good sleep.

5 or 6 days of focussed routine.

Exercise, regular healthy food.

Last night I woke up in the night anxious.

I said to myself, ‘stop trying to solve any problems, right now.’

Somehow, my brain understood and accepted this request; deeply.

I went back to sleep.

[Beany Boo]

My ‘future’ is about finding food easily, and eating well, as part of a good meal routine.

Everything else in my future can be left; unpredictable.

When I imagine this future working out it feels right; the focus, and sufficiently complicated.

If I face a serious obstacle, I ask myself, “how will this affect mealtimes?”

It probably sounds glib. It’s working though, to anchor my future in a satisfying way.

[rivergirl]

This doesn't sound at all glib to me, Beany.

I was surprised that one of the two main tenets of the eating disorder group that I joined recently is to nourish ourselves well on a regular basis throughout the day. I thought the emphasis would be on managing the disordered eating urges, but that's only part of the equation. After a month of mostly eating more regular nutritious meals I'm already feeling less shame about food and more ease at dismissing urges to undereat or overeat.

I'm rivergirl and I approve this Beany titration thought.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks rg,

Most of the time, regardless of what I'm anxious about, it’s really to do with whether I’ll eat again, eat comfortably, eat decent food, enjoy the food.

I experienced neglect in the form of malnutrition. I remember it as a parent signaling to me, “I’ll keep you alive (feed you) when I feel like it.”

If someone is causing me grief, I experience it as they’re coming between me and my food. Food also includes other forms of sustenance.

If I don’t like anyone, it’s because they don’t appear to value and prioritize food in the same way I do.

Have you ever seen a dog growl when another animal approaches them while they’re eating? I’m that dog I realize.

As long as I respect that basic truth about myself, all the complications of life become lesser concerns; and, (somewhat) easier to tackle.

[rivergirl]

Being deprived of food as a child while you're still growing seems like one of the worst forms of maltreatment to me. I'm sorry you experienced that, Beany.

I may relate a bit because my dad complained a lot about how much his four kids ate and how much we cost him. I would sometimes save part of meals to eat in secret where he couldn't see me.

It makes sense that food security would be a core issue for you now, given your childhood experiences.

[Beany Boo]

Titration thought:

Stay participant in conversations without moving to control them.