Time is a mother

[rivergirl]

Last weekend my remaining sibling said that I shouldn't still be sad about losses of recent years, including losing both of our sisters. I've been questioning myself for days about what is wrong with me, and then last night stumbled across this very short clip of the poet Ocean Vuong discussing his love and grief for his mother. It was so beautiful and sweet that I wanted to share it:

https://youtu.be/kx-MgYJmMmg

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, RiverGirl.

I find odd/sad/interesting that we each have a sibling who so has their life together (lol) that they can so generously share (lol) such awesome advice /s

Perhaps they should focus on themselves.

In the meantime, you keep being you, grief (which is wholly acceptable) and all.

[Beany Boo]

There’s a great interview on the NPR Fresh Air podcast with Ocean Vuong.

[manuel_moe_g]

There’s a great interview on the NPR Fresh Air podcast with Ocean Vuong.

https://www.npr.org/2022/04/05/1091065634/poet-author-ocean-vuong

[snoringdog]

Wow, Rivergirl, thanks for posting that. It really sunk in. No wonder they call it a "Brief but Spectacular Take"

BTW - Was your sibling saying that in a judgmental way? Hard to tell.....

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Beany and MM. I just listened to the Fresh Air podcast, wonderful interview. I put a hold on his new book at work so I can check it out when we receive it.

Also, thank you Oak & snoringdog.

It's painful to post about this, but I do think there was judgement involved. He said that he had been doing some Internet research on what's wrong with me and suggested that my continued grief and depression/anxiety are evidence of a personality disorder, BPD. I've gone through psychological testing in the past five years and have been seeing therapists off and on since my mid-twenties and have always had a consistent diagnosis of depression/anxiety. I'm looking for a new therapist and will mention BPD., but unless I do have it and it blinds me to my personality, there's little in what I've read about it that seems to fit. He said I have some of the symptoms but when I ask him which ones he refused to tell me.

I don't know if my brother and his wife were expecting to get together for the usual family Easter meal, but I'm so uncomfortable being around them after his diagnosis of me that I decided to take a road trip for a couple of days so they can spend time with my mom but not me. I'm feeling a little concerned about the long drive and being alone for a couple of days when my mood is so low, but since I've already made the reservations I'm still planning to go. I'll try not to focus on my family and keep up hope that I'll continue to meet new people in my life even if my family of origin feels mostly gone at this point.

Sorry for the long post.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

(Please forgive me in advance for anything in this post that I get wrong. It's offered with the best of intentions)

From your earlier posts, it doesn't seem like your brother has been very supportive later in your life (especially ever since you stopped being useful as a babysitter). Maybe there are positive interactions occasionally, but overall, no.

Perhaps he thinks he's being helpful with his diagnosis, but it sounds like bullshit especially since he won't elaborate. It's probably just a label he's settled on to make things easier for him to think about.

I know about life-long anxiety & depression and don't think it will ever change for me, but it's also not a death sentence of some sort either.
I've mostly learned how to deal with it day by day and am trying to learn resilience. That's really all we can do.
(On the other hand, I've known a few people who seem unrealistically optimistic all the time, and I *know* there's something wrong with them! )

The expected holiday get-togethers are tough for a lot of people. If it's hard during the year, it's even worse with the added expectations of a holiday. If you need time for yourself, you are more than entitled to it, and no excuse needs to be given.

But *do* look at it as a positive step you're taking for your mental and emotional health for a few days, and not as just "getting away" from a problem.

If you need support, we're here, for what it's worth.

And while you're on the road, realize that you have at least a few friends and contacts in your cell phone who wouldn't mind at least a short chat! (We all do).

Also, so much glorious music to listen to and sing along with while you're driving.

Here's to your mini getaway!



SD

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much for your input, BB, and for the super encouraging post, SD.

Spoke to my brother before I left on my trip and things are at least calm between us now.

I’m at my trip destination. Anxiety & other difficult emotions really kicked in before I left and I almost didn’t go. I’m not sure but think it was positive that I took the trip anyway, so that it doesn’t feel like a defeat. The last part of the drive turned out to be a bit harrowing as I didn’t realize it was a small two-lane mountain road and I ended up driving it after dark, but I arrived safely.

I’m learning on this trip that I just may not enjoy traveling alone any more. I find that in general too much time alone exacerbates my anxiety & grief. But I think it’s better to stay and have the experience rather than go home early. I’m in a beautiful small high desert mountain town and will see if I can manage to enjoy it, at least in moments.

Thanks again for the support.

[remarks]

My grief seems to get stronger as time passes. For example, I lost my grandpa 25 years ago. I was mostly numb about it and tried not to think about him. I have had recurring dreams since then that he never died, but just went away for a while and showed back up. It wasn't until the last year or so when I really started to feel the sadness over his loss. I've talked to my therapist about him and wrote him a letter, but the sadness is still there and sparked by random things. I'm not sure I will ever fully cope.

[snoringdog]

Hello RG,

Glad you went and glad you made it OK.
Dark mountain roads can be white-knucklers at times, right? (But makes you feel alive! )

Sorry that you're having emotional trouble, but it's good to just-get-the-hell-away-for-awhile. We all need that.
Remember why you came. People are waiting to be friendly and helpful to you.

And intermittent enjoyment? Isn't that all that any of us get out of this life?

Looking forward to any travel tidbits you're willing to share.

Wishing you the best.

SD