Time is a mother

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Snoring dog thank you for reaching out to me.
Agree grief is something we learn is not so easy to overcome for many. Over Easter I took the time to watch a video of my grandfather (whom brought me up mostly) for the first time since he passed unexpectedly the day my son was born. Only a matter of 20min between birth of Son and passing of grandad. No one told me he died till later that day.
Not once have I felt I dealt with this grief as it was hard enough with a new baby and my mum dying literally of bowel cancer over a period of three years from the same date. Then my diagnosis of bowel disease and twin passing.
When I saw that image of him and heard his voice, I thought I was ready. I honestly wasn’t sure how I would take it. I stood there, numb. Feeling a wave like that black sheet that keeps sliding over my brain trying to protect me from feeling. Then a feeling of crushing pressure that takes your breath away.

Grief so so bloody hard. Some people just shrug it off, some walk away and don’t deal with it.
I actually can’t honestly hand on heart say that I have felt pain like it. Physical pain Is one thing but emotional pain can present a physical symptom. Seeing my therapist for the first time on 22ed and am not sure what to say or where to start.

Do you start at ….I was born and shit happened. Or do I stop overthinking about things, give up and somehow let go.
Grief is confronting, uncontrollable at times and unpredictable.
Last night on my jog around the block I thought I saw a cat about to get hit by a car, I ran to slow the car down as to avoid the cat being hit. Turned out it was a wild possum and pest but I still make sure he got up the tree ok. The thought of even a possum dying absolutely hurts!! How mental is that.

Then to be told by my boss this morning I care to much. I’m to kind and need to become more aggressive. Doesn’t she read the news! That’s the problem with the world. Aggressive people. Some people just need to be held and allowed to show emotions.

No idea why I’ve said all this but my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who has to face grief. I’m totally with you on that pain.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

To the second half of your post - I love opossums, and have rescued a few myself. They're our only American Marsupial!

The BBC (BBC.com) has a short clip on " The surprising downside of Empathy" that raises a few interesting ideas.

Too much empathy can lead to empathic distress and burnout or avoidance, since it's an inward directed emotion. Turning it to compassion is the key, which is an outward facing, proactive, loving and helpful response. (Need to look up Tania Singer who was featured in the video.)

I totally get this idea, though with the size of the world's problems it's impossible.... Need to stay realistic and do what we can in our spheres.

("Aggression" is a weird word for her to apply here. Probably means need to develop armour or something..)

BTW - I recently found a book in the library called "Strangers Drowning" that delves into why some people feel such strong compulsions to help even total strangers....

[Mental Fairy]

Oh wow snoringdog that is similar to how I’m feeling. I will look it up. I’m thinking because of my role in work it becomes overwhelming and have a duty of care that just keeps flowing. I also watched my cat drag in a big bug I had tried to put back into the garden twice and became annoyed!!!

Shoot I’m going to be hard work in therapy tomorrow!!!!
Hope this therapist has all day! And then some….

Look at the bright side….I am not on the world most wanted list!!! Couldn’t even kill dust particles.

[rivergirl]

Catching up with this discussion, way too much to say and too tired to say most of it.

Trip update: My anxiety was so bad in the morning that I came home early. It was a crazy trip, driving 8 hours each way with basically just a night's fitful sleep in between. I could see this as a failure, or not. On the plus side, I managed to get out of town for the first time in over two years. I was surprised that I could manage the trip at all, despite how it turned out.

Remarks: I'm so sorry about your grandpa. I've had the same experience of wildly delayed grief. I think it may compound over time as you accumulate new losses. I'm glad you're trying to process with your therapist.

Mental Fairy: Also so sorry about your many losses. You've inspired me with your continued efforts, humor, and life force. I think it would be kind of odd if you knew exactly what to talk about with your therapist before meeting them and getting started. It's part of their job to help you figure out what you need to talk about. Wishing you extra courage as you start therapy.

SD: Thank you for recommending the clip. I'll definitely check that out. And I've never understood how anyone could not be a fan of opossums.

[Mental Fairy]

Rivergirl

You have my absolute attention. Your post made such a difference. You helped me understand myself a little more and made me see we are not alone.
I saw the therapist today for the first time. He was also overwhelmed and shocked at how I’ve managed to not end up a little more nutty than I am! He also likes possums!

SD you were also correct, my actions have reflected my inner turmoil and caused me to behave in particular ways. Thank you for your wise influence.
Oak also has helped as you remind me so much of my husband. Your descriptions and struggles are similar. I have struggled to accept any sort of empathy and love. I keep all at arms length as I fear loss. I fear further hurt and more grief. Hence why I see it, or saw it as easier if I checked out before everyone else. The mental battle was hard, time was hard. Every minute that passes and every second that ticks allows more time for connection and more time of torment. Hence never moving forward and feeling stuck between life and afterlife.
I was set homework today by the therapist to tell my husband how I felt.
So I did. But on my terms!
I made a big dinner of homemade meatloaf wrapped in bacon with salad and vegetables and platted it up onto many plates but not for just hubby and I. We delivered to his workmates to thank them for working night shift tonight as an unexpected ship came in early to unload.
On the car drive to the port I started to tell him what’s happening. He was just as emotional as I was and shocked at how I didn’t tell him before that I was struggling. I told him 60% of the conversation today as the remaining I’m still working on.
I feel exhausted I’ve started a journey you are all on. I still have my trainer wheels on but if it wasn’t for SD reaching out to see if I was ok I would not be making this post.
Thank you forum family. It’s just the start but we all in this together.
Rivergirl, I’m thinking of you and know that down here In New Zealand there is a heart that hopes you can heal. I don’t know if I’m beyond fixing but its worth trying ah.
Oak, your journey is not walked alone.
SD, thank you.
Manuel moe. Your the first person who messaged me from the beginning. Thank you also.
Never wish a day away.

[oak]

I managed to get out of town for the first time in over two years. I was surprised that I could manage the trip at all, despite how it turned out.

This is an unqualified success, RiverGirl.

I've learned to be a fan of anxiety exposure hierarchies, and you've come a long way thanks to the trip.

For now, pull back and regroup. You'll be all the more ready for the next trip. Like this one, you are success before you begin, no matter the ostensible outcome.

Also, good luck with the fitness classes. Please do keep us posted.

[rivergirl]

Thank you so much for your kind support, Mental Fairy and Oak.

And thank you for sharing your experiences, Mental Fairy. I'm impressed by your willingness to be vulnerable with your therapist and with your husband. And that's such a nice story about cooking for your husband's coworkers. I think you're starting on a positive journey.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Rivergirl.

Today was a test for myself. I purposely went for a run later than I normally do as I’m very much a routine person. Found the mind was having a battle with being out and about in daylight hours! Sound like a vampire!! Sadly I struggle with being in public when I’m not at work. Therapist said this is very normal for people whom work in medical as we become overwhelmed through our work we seek peace or calm when not working.
I was invited to a coffee catch up with two friends around midday and all I can say was it was like lifting tar off the road to get me to go. My husband drove me there as he knew I would climb into the nearest mailbox and hide if I could.
We sat outside and I informed the two friends (and only two!) that I have in this world what was happening. They both were so sincere and kind however they both are similar to myself. One is a doctor and the other a health and safety expert!!! If there was to be a world crisis or natural disaster I was with the two best people. However we all dislike water so if there was a tsunami then I was stuffed!
Got home and immediately found the cat and did some yoga to calm the nerves.
Ain’t we all amusing creatures when you look from the outside in!
Thinking of your all
Oak I’m hoping you are keeping up with the progress on your week off.
SD and Rivergirl your both inspirational.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi forum family

Oak I hope your time off is going ok and your back is feeling better.
Day two of therapy today. Also on time off now to regroup and compose myself a little better.
Sleep walking still an issue after a night of walking around looking for multiple horses or donkeys. Also some creature with vengeance trying to climb on up into my bowels!!!! Who needs drugs when you have sleep!!! WTF!!

Can I please ask if any of you out there have issues with memory when you are in a low emotional mood?

Had a coffee catch up with friends last weekend and they suggested trying Thai Chi. There is a local get together this coming weekend, however is in open and very public. Not sure I can do this as yet. Hard enough going into town or supermarket without losing my mind.

Thinking of you all.
Mental

[manuel_moe_g]

Who needs drugs when you have sleep!!!

LOVE IT!