Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Therapy today enlightened me to the trauma cyclone I’ve been in.
I’m interested to know how other peoples trauma has presented in them?

Therapist gave me a book today called The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.

[oak]

Hi MentalFairy!

Congratulations on going to therapy. That is a huge step. In addition to experience/strength/hope, I send courage vibes. Just walking through the door is an enormous accomplishment. Lots of people die before making that step.

IME, trauma manifests as either grief/anxiety, or anger.

And yes, that is a classic, iconic book. I see it as foundational, and I think you’ll find lots of benefit from it.

Enjoy the sense of accomplishment for making it to your session. You are demonstrating more courage than you realize.

(In fact, in honor of you and your therapy-courage, tomorrow at Salsa class I am going to ask the dreamiest woman there to dance. If I die of anxiety [or thirst!], please put a plaque up in this forum in my name .)

[manuel_moe_g]

i had a real problem with traumatic social events causing grief around me not getting what i "deserved"

i had a weird notion the first 25 years of my life that i "deserved" a beautiful and loving girlfriend, i am so ashamed to say

i was an incel long before it was cool ...

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Oak and Manuel_Moe for your feedback.
It gives me a spring in my step to know others such as yourselves understand this.
I am deeply hurting more than I was aware. I still feel scared and process things on a day to day basis and on a bad day hour by hour.
Yesterday I learnt my unconscious actions were a side effect of a deep seated trauma of loss.
Mother’s Day being a clear example to me that there is a large part of my life that has been taken over without my knowledge by trauma based reactions.
My son coming to give me a hug and part of me rejecting it. I could only manage a one armed passing hug and no words were spoken. To him he felt I rejected him. He would blame himself for that rejection.
In truth it was myself avoiding comfort and love as it hurts to know I’m close to someone and the outcome can only be grief eventually depending on who goes first.

My cat was also a clear example as I’m so deeply connected to this beautiful ball of fluff. Yet when we first adopted her I tried everything in my power to not pat her, not acknowledge her and condemn her from my company. I was worried again about attachment and loss. On an almost daily basis I fear her passing away before me.
My grief glass is full and there is no more room for tears.
Friends, only one. Again I keep her at arms length. Her husband is ex army and also effected by loss and I notice he does the same things I do.

As I sit here on my bed, cat purring away beside me and mountain outside with a fresh dust of snow I ponder how I tackle my day. Run is done, cold therapy done, eggs injected and chores to do. Fear envelopes me as I have to venture past my safe space.
Going past those gates terrifies me daily. Still something I’m yet to understand. Yet I can do it calmly under the cover of darkness while running for what feels like my life.

Oak enjoy your dance lesson, your far braver than I. I have great admiration for you. Manuel Moe, you deserve such a beautiful wife and family as you to can now see in your own words how lovely you truly are. Your kindness in reply to my very first reaching out message here was enough for me to know I was in a safe space. Thank you.

[Mental Fairy]

Have a good day all

[manuel_moe_g]

Therapist gave me a book today called The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.

Fantastic book

Yesterday I learnt my unconscious actions were a side effect of a deep seated trauma of loss.
Mother’s Day being a clear example to me that there is a large part of my life that has been taken over without my knowledge by trauma based reactions.

I am scared to really deal with what debilitating habits and actions are based in trauma. As a man, the answer is supposed to be "none, trauma doesn't affect me", if we go by toxic masculinity.

[oak]

MentalFairy, it sounds like you are definitely on your journey.

You courageously face the facts that you are endeavoring something very difficult.

While it is difficult, very difficult, I can't help but notice how much help you have: your cat, your son, your SO, us here, your friend, and your therapist. That is quite a team!

Lastly, with this idea of the body keeping the score, I find anxiety leaves my mid-back, and my grief leaves my lower/left back. My hippie friends call that the "root chakra". YMMV.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak I agree. Mine is very much seated in my lower back.
It occurred to me about an hour ago watching the Netflix thing called The Most Unknown. They showed a phycologist and his work on consciousness. Back after my mum died, and within maybe 10 weeks post death I sold absolutely everything I owned apart from my cat! I sold my home and moved to the southern island of New Zealand to a city where I once ran away too as a teenager. I contacted professors there at the university and told themI was moving and I got a call from one whom took me on.

During this time I buried myself in work, and I mean buried completely. I rebuilt a practice from the ground up for him for paediatrics. I was his assistant and guidance for surgery. This was all very well and good but my body was screaming at me. I formed a twitch/tick. I noticed it from time to time. I ignored it. It got so bad it actually effected my ability to swallow and speak. I started to stutter.
Then my thyroid gland became inflamed. I ignored it until I lost my ability to function without others noticing.
Then the twitch woke me while sleeping. I started running to get the muscles to tire out!!! That then became my coping skill. I was tested at the university and it was found I had formed BFS.
Needles were put into my muscles and they found I was unconsciously moving muscles both in rest and movement. Involuntarily.
I was given radiation treatment as they found I was forming growths in my thyroid. The fact my twin died of a similar cancer they then said go home and rest. Then my bowel became and issue. Again I was told to rest.
My response “shit no”
I ran more, I traveled more to make sure I didn’t feel the emotions of grieving and motherhood and loss. Of anger and resentment. Over the years it built up and we had to come home.
We did just that.
It’s been ten almost eleven years now. It took finding mental health happy hour podcast and you guys for me to see I have a problem. When I read your story Oak I felt a connection as I also cut whatever family I had off. They were toxic. Christ my oldest brother raped me! My remaining family was dead or dying so I had nothing left.
So that support crew that I have behind me is very new. So new that I am just opening up to my husband, my friend and myself. Plus you all.
I had to talk to myself and say stop, look at yourself, look at what your body is doing, your going to die if you don’t get help.
So I have. And here I am. And everything I have posted to you all has been the first outlet and only outlet I feel comfortable with as even my family of two have absolutely no idea the extent of what’s happened or happening to me.
When snoring dog reached out to check I was ok it was shocking that someone noticed me. Actually noticed me. Because my dear friends not even the two people under the roof we live in noticed me.
Sure they saw the Crohn’s taking hold, they knew I had a battle with eating disorder and also a battle with self worth. But they didn’t know the dirt deep down that grew this monster.
And to be honest I wouldn’t change it.
Today I got an email from my boss overseas and they email I sent her made her cry. She was the doctor that diagnosed my mum, she knew about my dads death and his history and she also knows me well enough to know it took a near death moment for me to reach out.
My boss is known to be one of the hardest surgeons to work for. She is demanding, she is also hurting as she is also a person who manages depression. When you have a common bond like we all do, we totally get each other.

So Oak dance ya feet off and Manuel Moe, your human, we can’t be perfect and we can’t save everyone but you opened the door when I knocked. Snoring dog reopened it again and I am glad he did.
You all matter.

[Mental Fairy]

Grandpa would say it takes a village to bring someone up but only one to take them out. I now understand why!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy.

Words fail me, and I feel inept to answer. Others are so eloquent here...
But I'm glad that my little message helped you.

Life is loss, everywhere you look. That's been my outlook from my teens and it's a heavy freaking load to bear if I let myself dwell on it too much. (Maybe as a result, I ran off to join a Christian commune after high school, having no real goals or strong interests in life and an unclear/fatalistic view of my future. But also thought that I could help make a better world somehow that way. Of course it didn't work or last, and I still feel deep shame about myself and hate it when people ask me about my past).

So, life is loss and we're all doomed in a sense, but in the meantime look at what you *do* have -

Horses next door (!), a beautiful mountain out back (!), a son and husband who appreciate you (even tho sometimes maybe acting like the oafish beasts that we men are) (!), and now, the chance to unburden yourself of a lot of the --major-- load of shit and injustices that have weighed you down and affected your health over the years.

So - Go Get Em! We're cheering for your success, healing, and mental calm.

SD