Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

https://media.giphy.com/media/d5KuLHHTSaRnG/giphy.gif

They say we are only as sick as our secrets.

You, our good friend Mental Fairy, with the post above, just got a whole lot healthier.

In fact, with your demonstrated appreciation of cats, here is footage of you breaking through all sorts of old boundaries:

https://media.giphy.com/media/oXGfezpiJcXrZAtNwC/giphy.gif

Your fine post deserves lots more attention, which I can't give right now due to grief and anxiety. But I hope to offer a proper response this weekend.

In the gif below, while you may view yourself as the kitty on the left, the truth is that we know you are the feline on the right.

https://media.giphy.com/media/Dsph6WFpZzz7jL4zs0/giphy.gif

Also

While I can't afford Salsa class, I am happy to report eyelashes were batted at me during Zumba.

https://media.giphy.com/media/Wmtm6YfkV3qXZXunxC/giphy-downsized-large.gif

[Mental Fairy]

Having a little giggle here Oak. Thank you and SD so much.
Currently half way through the book. Very interesting indeed.
I know this is just a start for me and being a geek at heart I will read every word. Maybe even twice. Sadly the brain only takes in so much and have a great deal of trouble with memory currently.
The way the trauma, stress and depression grips at times can be very disheartening.
Sounds silly but I can’t bring myself to go outside this afternoon. The thought of seeing people and bumping into them makes every part of me tense up. It’s crippling. I want to go out on bike or walk but can’t. So silly. Can’t work that part out.
I feel so much anger and frustration, it’s like going to some small war or some kind.
Hence why I admire you Oak being able to dance.
Up until three months ago I was running a library book group of over 21 groups of 10 people each. Now I can’t can go outside unless to work or run at 4:45am!
When I see people in the morning on my runs I feel like they are invading my quite time and that I reserved this part of the planet first!(selfish cow!) or should I say sheep as i am in New Zealand after all!
Need to set myself a goal or two. Not look at news and try laugh more.
Must go fold some washing and check the slow cooker. Hang in there all. We got this!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I can relate to the avoidance part you describe, and have posted about it before.

Some days I feel agitated and self-conscious and don't want to make eye contact with anyone. Other times I'll actively greet passersby with a hello or light comment with eye contact. (That's the way I'd like to be more often. Most times I'll get a pleasant response).

As far as dancing, can you just do it by yourself with only the horses as audience? (I imagine you're in a very rural setting). I'm sure they wouldn't mind, especially if you stick to graceful forms like the waltz, and stay away from the twist-and-shout variety.

[Mental Fairy]

Ok peps I am slightly concerned this therapy I have currently undertaken has opened a door I was not aware was anywhere around me or my brain. Somewhere in my head doors windows or an emergency exit has been left ajar.
Three nights of terrible night terrors. Not of the mild kind, more like waking with heart racing so fast I was borderline hysterical. Legs restless and overwhelming feelings of dread.
Many years ago i experienced sleep paralysis that to the day feels like it was yesterday.
Is this normal to have during therapy?

[oak]

Is this normal to have during therapy?

Yes, wholly.

100%.

It is absolutely expected, and would be very odd not to have it.

There is always a cost to every growth, and you took a very brave step to start therapy.

Though you all may be sick of it by now, I offer the following (psychological/moral) example from literature:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katabasis#Trip_into_the_underworld

The good news: you'll be okay.

The bad news: It will take a little while. And it may- may- get worse. But not too much worse. You're probably 60% through this.

Not a counselor, and everything above is a guess, but you have every reason for encouragement. You have to do this spiritual growth.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak
Having one of those days. It’s exhausting. PTSD is something I heard about and learnt only little bits of in relation to people returning from war or a traumatic event. Yes, I accept I’ve lived a couple of those events here and there but now that I’m fully seated in the front row seat of my mental health spaceship I’m wholeheartedly now understanding of the effects of PTSD.
I can only describe it as a reply cassette tape in one’s head that automatically stops and starts between actions or thoughts. I was not aware how bad it was until today really.
This hideous memory going around and around like a mental Ferris wheel, just I can’t get off.

Last night I got a text from my nice brother whom I have a lot of respect for. He said he’s having sleeping issues and this last weekend went on one of his white water kayak trips that he so often does. The person he went with is a doctor and noticed his sleeping issue.
I calmly suggested today he might need to address what’s bothering him but he won’t acknowledge it. We both really struggled together after the loss of mum and they way she passed with little medical support.
I came home from clinic this morning and just sobbed into my book and rode out the wave. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Bugger it! It seems so bloody silly that an event from back in 2007 could still effect me today.

However I will plod along and pat the cat and endeavour to continue my healing journey.
Thank you for your words of comfort. I really truely hope you are doing ok.

[oak]

It seems so bloody silly that an event from back in 2007 could still effect me today.

MentalFairy, good for you for having the courage to face this. Two thoughts to consider:

1. 2007 is by no means too far back: there's no right or wrong time, and 15 years is right in the median of what we might expect.

The bigger issue is to face 2022's spiritual/moral growth in 2022. Like the monsters in the zombie movies, we don't want reanimated creatures coming back uninvited!

2. I vividly remember the pain leaving my body during yoga a year ago this month. It was agony, and I mean "agony" in the religious sense. It is no joke.

Happily, I revise my estimate that you are 60% through (this cycle of trauma-facing), up to 80 or 90%.

Well done my friend!

Edit to add: I had agony in my back due to (1) counseling clearing out old hurts/traumas and (2) yoga giving the pain a method to escape*.



*As you are learning from your fine book, the body does indeed keep the score. My working hypothesis is that our body stores the trauma, until it is released. This releasing is no fun.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Thank you so kindly.
I feel like I’m about 20% in but hoping I’m 70% in.

I’ve just got to the chapter of path to recovery.
Facing this is so darn hard. Even picking out bits from the book gives my heart an electric shock in a way.
There was a mention in the book that rape survivors whom are abused under the age of ten are 80% more likely to be raped again at an older age. That stuck with me as mum found a new man to move into our lives whom was once charged with raping his daughter only years before. He unfortunately got away with it and assaulted me while we were putting blinds up in my home. When he lunged for me and told me some things that I won’t repeat, I felt like I couldn’t fight. I froze. I was in my mid twenties and I bloody froze. It only stopped as I fell backwards and damaged my spine and let out a massive scream.
I can’t believe I didn’t fight.

Therapy again tomorrow and feel like I would rather juggle hedgehogs. Many of them!
The hard bit is my husband is coming and I don’t think he knows half of this!

Will carry you all in my handbag for the appointment.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy

When he lunged for me and told me some things that I won’t repeat, I felt like I couldn’t fight. I froze. I was in my mid twenties and I bloody froze. It only stopped as I fell backwards and damaged my spine and let out a massive scream. I can’t believe I didn’t fight.

The freeze response is one of the built in responses to a threatening situation, baked into us over millions of years of evolution. Don't use it as a reason to beat yourself up. The important thing is that you are alive today. We like the world better where you are alive in it.

Please take care, good luck with therapy session today, wishing you the very best.

[Mental Fairy]

Today’s therapy session way harder than ever. I now understand how hard this is.