Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

Today’s therapy session way harder than ever. I now understand how hard this is.

Hang in there, MentalFairy.

It is so hard, so very hard.

You are not alone.

Post if/when you feel ready!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Well yesterday was hard, therapist was great, husband was shocked and I was raw as a flattened squirrel by a semi truck!

I’ve learnt yes the dreams and night terrors are all part of picking off the mental scab currently flapping about in the breeze of my exhale.

Yoga is going well and calming, focus on breathing and detach from self critical comments.

I found the one person whom I lean on for a chat other than the husband is my good friend and neighbour. However, yesterday it was pointed out she is more critical and negative than I first thought.
She knows the journey I’m currently on and emailed me yesterday with information of saying I’m setting myself up to fail as I’m not letting enough people in, I’m not listening to the right podcast and I should do more or talk more openly.
Last Christmas I wanted to gift my closest friends with something new. I found a very wonderful kind patient who makes amazing whiskey that is shipped directly to Finland. I managed to get three bottles and I gifted one to my neighbour and one to my other neighbours to celebrate their first grandchild.
Long story short my friend said it was the worst gift ever and not to her liking. So I brushed it off. Didn’t say anything. Just let it ride.
She keeps bringing it up, I ignore it.
Whenever I go to better myself with something or get the help I needed she knocked me down. She makes sly comments I don’t pick up, but my husband does.
It wasn’t until yesterday that it was brought to my attention in therapy that she is just like my mum. Critical and put me downs flood out of her like waves.
I think it is unhealthy to continue the friendship and having trouble with the loss of yet another person.

So that now has just left me with my husband, son, you guys and the cat!

I do feel a little lighter now after therapy yesterday as I’m connecting the dots of destruction.
I understand this is the beginning and I’ve gone in guns blazing. Now it’s time to take it easy on myself. I didn’t go for a run today as I felt absolutely wiped out after therapy. My head hurts but body aches and I don’t even have covid!

I start back next week in theatre with my patient list growing longer and longer.
Take it slow and shuffle in some changes to help me cope. I’m just so scared of going backwards and really want to stop reliving things in my head.
When I saw mum have the terminal haemorrhage I thought I would never see it again, but currently seeing it daily at night. Just want it to lift off a little and learn to deal with the grief of letting go.

When the therapist said yesterday it’s time to let go, that effected me the worst. Same feeling when he said it was time to grieve for my twin and grandad. I honestly felt so much guilt, sadness. Teary just typing the words, it’s time to let go. Who would of thought the words ‘let go’ could be so dam painful.

Oak I am so proud of you coming through with your transparency of financial situation. My heart wishes so much that you get through this. Manuel Moe you also are such a kind gem of a person.
SD is fantastic and has great taste in music!
Rivergirl is someone I could really have a coffee with!

Peps you are all amazing. I might have to let go of some stuff but you all help me hold on to good stuff! Hope.

[manuel_moe_g]

I have a longer reply to write, so much important stuff here

Please take care of yourself, you deserve it, you are at the beginning of a journey that will take you to a much better place

All the best, Mental Fairy!

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Manuel Moe, I’m curious as it seems I’ve been walking around blind for so long. It’s 5:30am here and my head is pounding with a headache. Night of intense headaches and was a few tears on the yoga mat before bed. ‘Let go’ is all I need to do. I will learn to do this. Let the waves come and let go of these people whom have gone.

I dashed over to the neighbours last night to get a lesson on how to medicate the cat while they away. This friend that I have leaned on for so long.

Think I’ll get dressed for a run and go get some energy out, I am honestly so lost right now. When I came onto this forum Oak was having the troubles of letting go of family also and walking away for his own health. Recent unfolding of events here is letting go of the dead ones for me and learning to let go of the live ones that serve as no positive support. Friends/my only friend is like family maybe that’s while I have leaned on her.

A patient text me yesterday such a kind text for helping her in her time of need. Her dad is dying and she is currently in first stage of pregnancy. She has already lost two pregnancies and this one is being monitored by myself and her OBGYN.
When texting her yesterday with advice for some adverse effects of pregnancy I gave her some suggestions and informed her this unpleasant part is only temporary. This is going to pass and you will look back and forget the discomfort and pain you are having once the baby is here.

It made me reflect on myself, this to will pass for me but I absolutely know this will not be forgotten as mental pain is some what different to the physical. This is quite something. I need to get myself together as I’m back to working in theatre next week.
My short term memory is absolutely effected. Nerves seem to be on edge.

Really appreciate you all. Truely do.

[oak]

When I came onto this forum Oak was having the troubles of letting go of family also and walking away for his own health. Recent unfolding of events here is letting go of the dead ones for me and learning to let go of the live ones that serve as no positive support.

A quote for you to consider, our good friend MentalFairy: "When you have doubt, there is no doubt."

As you have intuited, what is dead is dead. With what you're facing, you need all the non-negativity you can get your hands on. Something that is bad now will only get worse.

Something else to consider

My conscience has been after me for several days to offer you this to consider, which may be similar to your current therapy situation:

Imagine that you have a cluttered, dusty attic.

You can picture what it will be like after cleaning. Let's say you want your own little yoga studio. Mats here, a painting there.

However, in the meantime, in the process of cleaning, in the short term things will get worse:

1. A bunch of dust, long neglected, will be kicked up and swirl about.
2. A bunch of old stuff will need to be thrown away.
3. Old memories will be made manifest, tangible.

If you didn't believe in the yoga-studio-of-your-mind, you would not have sought, begun, and persisted with therapy.

A final word

It has been a long week and long day, so I'm sure there's a lesson in here for you:

https://youtu.be/NIGMUAMevH0

Or maybe I'm sharing because it hecking rocks. We all need to occasionally consider the awesome archetypical power of ties and jackets.

Archetypes, which are troubling your sleep so much, are very powerful. And these brothers have such beautiful suits.

Very powerful stuff, my friend.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

It's been a few days, so much to catch up on! You're really running the gauntlet.

Again feel totally inadequate to respond, but am listening and wishing you the best for what that's worth.
Cry as much as you need to. It seems to be the most natural response.

(There's a thread about that somewhere around here...)

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Thanks team

Oak, you hit the nail on the head. Downstairs we have a library and recently I found I was unable to go into it. Unable to hold the attention long enough until I got the book from the therapist I told you about. I read it cover to cover in five days!
Last week I had a dream of an old home. So deeply disturbing the feeling I got from walking into it. There was dust absolutely everywhere, it was all over the old forgotten furniture and walls thick with grime and cobwebs. I felt uneasy being in the home. Very watched and also extremely confused. I walked into one large area where the ceiling was so high, everything a dusty brown and grey. I wanted out of the house but couldn’t leave. I woke and even now feel like I’m still in it.

Yesterday my husband came home at lunch and collected the furniture out of my library. He took it to his work. The room is now almost bare but I do have a very old cabinet that was my grandparents. And a shelf area. My husband said to me last night it was time I cleared out the room and made it my safe space. My yoga room and where I can go and detach from the world.

Reading your message reinforces my intention to do just that. I think the dream has something to do with the old cabinet down there and to clear away the clutter. Time to move forward now but at a slower pace. I’ve ripped of the band aid and picked the scab! Time to heal.

Today we have awaken to thunder and lightning. So far two tornadoes and high seas. Sky is black with intense winds. Kind of nice to be stuck at home this avo. Amen to brick homes! The weather outside feels like my thoughts in my head. In time it will settle I hope.

[manuel_moe_g]

My husband said to me last night it was time I cleared out the room and made it my safe space. My yoga room and where I can go and detach from the world.

I love this idea. I love the idea of a safe space just for you!

Please take care, Mental Fairy!

[oak]

Oak, you hit the nail on the head... My yoga room and where I can go and detach from the world.

Here is footage of me reading your (excellent) post, when I realize I was inadvertently right regarding the yoga space:

https://media.giphy.com/media/tu54GM19sqJOw/giphy.gif

Clear out those spaces: mentally, physically, and relationally.

https://media.giphy.com/media/10zsjaH4g0GgmY/giphy.gif

[Mental Fairy]

Blew me and my family away. Absolutely on same wavelength. We are being hit badly with storms here currently. Tornadoes and extremely strong thunderstorms. Makes for interesting running weather.
We hoping things clear up about Tuesday next week. Will investigate the room downstairs today and think of plans moving forward. Had a bloody panic attack today completely out of the blue.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
SD absolutely loving the butterflies. We have them also in summer. When the plants are eaten up the caterpillars love grated pumpkin.