Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Just heard Paul read your post, and you really knocked him back on his heels (in a good way).
(# 592 - BPD & DBT Jessie Finkelstein - last Survey, "Back in Time").

(Honestly, it made me tear up too. So horrendous, and yet so hopeful.)

You have suffered for so long. You did not deserve that.

It seems that you're on an upward path now though. Maybe after you unpack all the ugliness and trauma you can finally get some peace. (And maybe it'll help with the sleepwalking episodes as well).

Wishing you the best.

Regards

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Thank you, my therapist heard it also and messaged me. With all the other stuff on top of he really has been the key to open the door to all of this journey once everyone here like yourself edged me towards getting the help.

Today was my first day back at clinic full time after a month of trying to cut back and deal with the sleepless nights and nightly treks around the house and beyond!
I am very aware this is a long journey and have many times today found that inner voice hitting back at me. It seems relentless.
Hubby is now also away for a long while as back on the trucks due to shortage of drivers. The cat and I had a lovely jogs session together this evening.
That self hatred really takes hold the more the healing process moves forward. That is something that hurts deeply. Ingrained in the wood of this soul.

Really struggling with the ‘next day’ feeling.
That feeling you get about 5pm when the days comes to an end slowly but you know another is coming in a few hours and you have to face that one also. It’s bloody hard.
Typing this it is 8:32pm Monday night and I’m already panicking about Tuesday. Can feel heart racing and worry building, what am I going to stuff up tomorrow, what do I have to fix tomorrow, am I ok, and If I’m going to make it to Wednesday. It’s just a consistent brain fart over and over again. Minus the crap spilling out of my ears! Because of the Crohn’s I have a very restrictive diet, with this comes worry. With the anxiety comes this ongoing cycle of nasty talk to myself. That is the speed hump currently in the road.
When you said your saw that billboard saying you are enough, it made me think that all our billboards here are rather unkind or point someone in the direction of a bottle store! Not therapy or kind words!

How are you doing SD? Butterflies must be hatching and enjoying the sun.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Starting with the Monarchs, haven't seen any yet. It's been a rather cold spring, but I'm sure they're on their way.
The milkweed has sprouted and is only about six inches tall, but we've found that we need to severely thin it out due to the aphids. The second growth plants avoid being attacked by them for some reason.

Ah, that negative voice. Not good enough. Never good enough. Is it an echo from our Western culture? (Protestant Work Ethic, Salvation through Works, Fire & Brimstone religious tenets, etc etc). So common for so many....

Also, Capitalism. Most advertising is aimed at making you feel like you're lacking something, and need to do or buy something, right? That's why the "You Are Enough" sign was such an odd and welcomed sight.

(Just remembered hearing that some people have learned to humorously refer to their negative voice as a named entity, like "Oh, that's just Herbert doing his thing again..." )

My struggle is sometimes in the morning with racing thoughts and lists of what I should do, could do, want to do. (I've found that if I wake too early and feel this flood, that if I jot things down I can actually fall back asleep for an hour, so that helps).

If you take a few moments to review the day and count the successes you've certainly had and the progress you've made, would that help? Give yourself the "little bit of credit" that you deserve.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Wow day in clinic today was testing. Loss of a baby for someone, talking to the mother and trying to console without crying for her was difficult.
Process this in a new way, only weeks ago it was very difficult without having the coping skill I’ve learnt through therapy. How I went this long without it is hard to comprehend.

[oak]

How I went this long without it is hard to comprehend.

Word. Think of how long PreviousMentalFairy survived on so little. Now you have more tools.

Also, and I ask this without criticizing or any judgment:

Your job is intense. It is a lot of emotional bandwidth.

With all else you're handling, is this job a burden?

Again, I ask not to cause upset, just genuine curiosity.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

I know many must wonder how medical professionals cope. I sat with a nurse on Tuesday and heard day to day stories and we all have one thing in common. We would lay our own lives on the line to help others. Just sometimes we need help ourselves and it’s very hard to accept.

I’ve absolutely looked at my role many times and wondered how I was going to cope in situations but I can tell you with a deep knowing that I wouldn’t do anything different at this stage in my life.
I would rather someone care for me whom was heavily invested in their job. I wouldn’t want someone taking care of me to not understand the true meaning of care and sacrifice. I’m in the right place currently but just learning how to offload the day to day events in a different way.

Sat at the kitchen table this morning with my husband, whom just returned from nights on the road. Told him about my day yesterday and he went white! I never used to talk about it much like emergency department workers don’t often talk about things immediately after an event. Exhausting days take hold and we stock pile our emotions into a mental backpack. Only to distance ourselves from them as we think they are behind us. Sadly many events stand right before us in the form of flashbacks and nightmare after nightmare. Had one last night and woke with a fear my lungs were being crushed.

I have cut back from 60+ hours a week and back down to 40max so I am making headways.

Thank you

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Boundaries and compartmentalizing, right? That's what I understand.
But your backpack is only so big, and you need to put it down and unpack it every once in awhile.

Have you ever browsed the Nursing and Medicine threads on Reddit? Gripping stuff.
It heartens me to see people supporting each other. We can takes turns lifting each other up...

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

I have next to zero social media. Don’t even know what reddit is!!! This is the most social media I have !!

Sad I know.

[snoringdog]

Not necessarily, Mental Fairy.

Just had some friends over last night and we took turns reading from Emily Dickinson's poetic corpus- discussing, and trying to decipher some of her more enigmatic phrases...

And then this morning spent more than an hour on the phone with tech support getting the friend's phone updated and the account log-ins straightened out. (Spent over an hour last night stuck in some of the endless click click loops).

Thank God Ms. Dickinson and so many others didn't have this time-sucking (electronic) social media. We would be bereft of so much!

As far as Reddit goes, it's just another bulletin board type of site with many different subject threads.
Some are time wasters, but some are quite valuable.

The Nursing one is here -

https://www.reddit.com/r/nursing/

https://www.reddit.com/r/nursing/comments/s34wgl/healthcare_and_essential_workers_you_deserve/

[rivergirl]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I haven't heard your survey yet but now that I'm aware of it will be sure to listen.

Thank you for the incredibly difficult work you are doing. I'm sure the patients you work with are lucky to be cared for by someone with your compassion and kind heart.

rivergirl