Hi everyone,
I'm writing this as I kill time waiting for my first appointment with a counsellor. I have had a few bouts of depression/anxiety in the past, but for the past nine years everything has been fine without any medication. Recently, I had a pretty insignificant trigger event (job interview) and within two weeks I've already started to make arrangements to take a sick leave from work because I don't feel capable. I am scared all the time, which prevents me from sleeping. I have a knot in my chest and I don't have even a moment's peace. One month ago, feeling this way was the furthest thing from my mind and I can't believe I am here again.
So Anxious
-
Eternally Learning
- Posts: 85
- Joined: April 21st, 2011, 5:19 am
- Location: Maryland, USA
Re: So Anxious
Welcome to the boards Gilmartinfan! Good luck!
The purpose of life is to make it mean something.
-
Paul Gilmartin
- Posts: 363
- Joined: March 22nd, 2011, 9:54 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: Depression, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Incest Survivor
- preferred pronoun: He
- Location: Los Angeles
- Contact:
Re: So Anxious
GilmartinFan,
First off, let me congratulate you on perhaps the best name choice my ego has ever heard of! Secondly, I want to welcome you to the forum and applaud you for taking action regarding your situation. Its been my experience that saying "I don't know" and "Help Me" have been more beneficial than anything I've ever done. Not only do I usually find a solution (sometimes painfully slowly), but it connects me to my fellow man and that to me is the reason we are here on this planet. Don't give up.
Paul
First off, let me congratulate you on perhaps the best name choice my ego has ever heard of! Secondly, I want to welcome you to the forum and applaud you for taking action regarding your situation. Its been my experience that saying "I don't know" and "Help Me" have been more beneficial than anything I've ever done. Not only do I usually find a solution (sometimes painfully slowly), but it connects me to my fellow man and that to me is the reason we are here on this planet. Don't give up.
Paul
http://mentalpod.comNothing degrades the quality of my life like obsessing about the quality of my life.
-
GilmartinFan
- Posts: 5
- Joined: May 17th, 2011, 5:57 pm
Re: So Anxious
Thanks so much for writing back, Paul. I'm finding daily life very difficult and am leaning hard on people like my mom and my husband. I'm getting treated now with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, so I must be doing the right thing? I am about to fill in my form and send it to my work saying I need to take an undetermined leave of absence which both relieves and frightens me. How can I bear each day consumed by my anxious thoughts before the medication has an effect? I wake up each morning saying, how will I get through this day? I'm not expecting you or anyone to answer these questions. It's just what's spilling out of my head.
-
Paul Gilmartin
- Posts: 363
- Joined: March 22nd, 2011, 9:54 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: Depression, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Incest Survivor
- preferred pronoun: He
- Location: Los Angeles
- Contact:
Re: So Anxious
GF,
Yes, I've been there many times. What helped me was to be kind and gentle to myself. I tried to do a little work if I could, but if it felt like too much, I didn't. I gave myself permission to enjoy few things that brought me comfort even though they weren't "productive" in the conventional sense of the word. I took a lot of naps. Many days I slept till noon and took a nap at 3. I played video games. I read books, I watched tv. And I tried to not beat myself up for not being "productive" in the conventional sense of the word. When you're in the grips of depression, I think these things ARE productive because they are bringing you comfort when you are sick. Would you make a diabetic paint the house in the middle of an insulin reaction? No. So why would you push yourself beyond your capacity when you're not well?
You would probably give someone else the permission to do comforting things, so how about giving yourself permission? You're not planning on doing these things for the rest of your life, just until you feel better.
I found that doing these things, and not feeling guilty about them made the time pass much easier. And I felt a weird comfort, like the healthy part of me was putting its arm around the unhealthy part of me.
So put the whip down, be good to yourself, be patient, stay in contact with your mental health professionals and let things run their course. As long as you're taking steps to TRY to get better, you are not standing still. Taking a nap while you're waiting for your meds to work is not standing still. Its not weakness. Its a strong and wise choice emotionally, in my opinion.
If there is a God, I believe its what any loving God would want for us. To feel comfort in a time of pain. Not guilt, not shame. But self-love.
Paul
I don't know if what I have to say is right, but I can tell you I've been through it. Many times. Waking up feeling dead inside, feeling tired, full of dread, hopeless and anxious. Wondering/obsessing if I will ever be happy or peaceful again; the sadness and anxiety of knowing it would be weeks before my anti-depressants would be kicking in, and wondering if they would even work; and sometimes they didn't.I'm finding daily life very difficult and am leaning hard on people like my mom and my husband. I'm getting treated now with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, so I must be doing the right thing? I am about to fill in my form and send it to my work saying I need to take an undetermined leave of absence which both relieves and frightens me. How can I bear each day consumed by my anxious thoughts before the medication has an effect? I wake up each morning saying, how will I get through this day?
Yes, I've been there many times. What helped me was to be kind and gentle to myself. I tried to do a little work if I could, but if it felt like too much, I didn't. I gave myself permission to enjoy few things that brought me comfort even though they weren't "productive" in the conventional sense of the word. I took a lot of naps. Many days I slept till noon and took a nap at 3. I played video games. I read books, I watched tv. And I tried to not beat myself up for not being "productive" in the conventional sense of the word. When you're in the grips of depression, I think these things ARE productive because they are bringing you comfort when you are sick. Would you make a diabetic paint the house in the middle of an insulin reaction? No. So why would you push yourself beyond your capacity when you're not well?
You would probably give someone else the permission to do comforting things, so how about giving yourself permission? You're not planning on doing these things for the rest of your life, just until you feel better.
I found that doing these things, and not feeling guilty about them made the time pass much easier. And I felt a weird comfort, like the healthy part of me was putting its arm around the unhealthy part of me.
So put the whip down, be good to yourself, be patient, stay in contact with your mental health professionals and let things run their course. As long as you're taking steps to TRY to get better, you are not standing still. Taking a nap while you're waiting for your meds to work is not standing still. Its not weakness. Its a strong and wise choice emotionally, in my opinion.
If there is a God, I believe its what any loving God would want for us. To feel comfort in a time of pain. Not guilt, not shame. But self-love.
Paul
http://mentalpod.comNothing degrades the quality of my life like obsessing about the quality of my life.
-
GilmartinFan
- Posts: 5
- Joined: May 17th, 2011, 5:57 pm
Re: So Anxious
Thank you so much Paul. I'm starting to think that my current condition is very heavily weighted in the direction of anxiety instead of depression. Because I feel like I cannot sleep at all because I am consumed by fear. All the time. I would love the release of sleep so that I didn't feel this constant fear. I can't read or even watch TV because every single thing has an association that scares me. I'm best when I'm fully engaged in an activity like walking with my husband or talking on the phone with my family, but I can't do that every single minute of the day. Have you experienced this or know anyone who has?
-
Paul Gilmartin
- Posts: 363
- Joined: March 22nd, 2011, 9:54 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: Depression, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Incest Survivor
- preferred pronoun: He
- Location: Los Angeles
- Contact:
Re: So Anxious
GF,
I do know people who have unrelenting fear and or panic, and none have been able to conquer it on their own. Some needed intense therapy, some needed meds and some needed both. I wouldn't underestimate the dangerousness of the situation because it alters our perception of reality and then the decision to ask for help gets put off because we have fear about that as well.
I have experienced not so much panic but an unrelenting sense of doom, and the only thing that alleviated it was meds. I also need group therapy to keep me grounded.
Paul
I do know people who have unrelenting fear and or panic, and none have been able to conquer it on their own. Some needed intense therapy, some needed meds and some needed both. I wouldn't underestimate the dangerousness of the situation because it alters our perception of reality and then the decision to ask for help gets put off because we have fear about that as well.
I have experienced not so much panic but an unrelenting sense of doom, and the only thing that alleviated it was meds. I also need group therapy to keep me grounded.
Paul
http://mentalpod.comNothing degrades the quality of my life like obsessing about the quality of my life.
Re: So Anxious
I have been there. 4 years ago, I had panic attacks daily, which resulted in insomnia. I got to the point where I would look at my bed and my heart would race and I knew I would not sleep that night. I had chest pains day and night. It was truly horrible and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I thought about taking a leave of absence, but fortunately my husband and a friend who also has anxiety talked me out of it. For me, it feeds on itself. I need to be around people and I need to have a routine to occupy my mind. I was seeing a therapist and finally started taking an antidepressant after a month. The combo that worked for me was Lexapro and Klonopin, both at bedtime. (When I took Lexapro in the morning it made me tired and then I would rev up around dinnertime when I should have been winding down). Eventually I weaned off the Klonopin. Due to a recent recurrence of my anxiety, I'm back on both again but will eventually get off the Klonopin when the Lexapro kicks in.
Hang in there. One of the best things my husband did for me was push me out the door when I didn't want to go to work. "Pretend you're fine. Fake it." I am kind of a believer in the "fake it till you make it" thing. I kept a journal too which helped me see my progress. Also on those sleepless nights I would lie in bed and listen to classical music or audiobooks. The audiobooks helped get me out of my head. Even if I wasn't sleeping I wasn't totally freaking out, know what I mean?
Good luck. It sounds like you have a supportive family so that's a really good place to start. And you've sought out help which I think is the hardest part. Take care.
Hang in there. One of the best things my husband did for me was push me out the door when I didn't want to go to work. "Pretend you're fine. Fake it." I am kind of a believer in the "fake it till you make it" thing. I kept a journal too which helped me see my progress. Also on those sleepless nights I would lie in bed and listen to classical music or audiobooks. The audiobooks helped get me out of my head. Even if I wasn't sleeping I wasn't totally freaking out, know what I mean?
Good luck. It sounds like you have a supportive family so that's a really good place to start. And you've sought out help which I think is the hardest part. Take care.
-
GilmartinFan
- Posts: 5
- Joined: May 17th, 2011, 5:57 pm
Re: So Anxious
Very belated thanks to you both for your help. I'm doing much much better now. I was lucky and got in with a psychiatrist who has been following me and gave me Mirtazapine to sleep, which works, and Escitalopram which I've been for about 5 weeks. The constant fear is now gone and I feel my old self returning. I'm even thinking I'll be back at work soon.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you both taking the time to respond when I needed it the most.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you both taking the time to respond when I needed it the most.
Re: So Anxious
I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better and I'm glad we could help. I found message boards to be a great source of support and comfort when I first came down with anxiety and panic disorder. I think only someone who's been through it can truly understand.