Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Wow, the brain really is an amazing thing isn’t it?

I’m actually speechless.

Sitting in the waiting room was feeling like a bottle being shaken inside of me. Externally to the therapist office I haven’t really taken the time to evaluate my actions since my last appointment three weeks ago.

As soon as I sat down the flood gates opened. And not like a little trickle before the big release either. The cork on my mental bottle popped and I released a flood of emotion and shock.

If you can recall when my son had his accident the other day I froze. I felt paralysed on the spot. Refused to get in the car to go to him. (Here comes the tears again, put your gumboots on)
My husband couldn’t understand why I was paralysed on the spot, this started an argument of the ‘no, yes’ game.

After being forced into the car I sat in silence and when he spoke to me I got angry at being in the car. I was useless going as I knew inside I was in fight, flight freeze move in a moving vehicle.

I never showed much emotion about it at all. When we got home I hugged my boy and carried on as if nothing happened. I put it aside so i didn’t have to deal with it.
Then the weekend of came and friend was trying to talk me into seeing my specialist again for bowel as yet again i chickened out and said no to treatment after saying I would. Why? Fear, bloody fear.
Then the cat episode happened and again I showed it hurt deeply only when alone in the car for all of 2 minutes as I needed to go back to work. Again put it to the side.
Then today… I walk into the clinic and boom i cry. Ugly cry.

I learn slowly it is trigger response and yes people PTSD is ugly. I just wasn’t aware to the level of ugly it could get.
I sat there shaking, cold, snotty, upset and then a lightbulb went off and I clicked I was in shock.
I don’t remember walking back to my clinic. I couldn’t even tell you what day it is.

If you recall the old tapes we used to play music with, I feel like I’ve had to go back a few songs and try recall the last few days.
The forum that SD kicked off again regarding the little poems were soooooo good. They helped me SD. They make you stop and pause and think about the now.
What’s annoying is the brain fog, the forgetfulness while you are recovering from a trigger moment. The effects it’s has even right now is hard. But it’s real people, this shit is so hard, so painful at times but also so rewarding knowing that you all get it.

Thank you for being my gold!

[Mental Fairy]

Rivergirl how do you manage your grief? I honestly hurt so much.

[Mental Fairy]

You know that feeling you get the day after a meltdown panic attack?
Well today is that day.
Eyes puffed and sore, skin dry and jaw is sore from crying and trying to keep it shut so no one hears be downstairs on yoga mat sobbing my heart out.

Tried to talk to hubby last night but feel like a burden telling him my woes. Plus he’s not really been in these shoes and it feels selfish to try get him to understand.
Got up every hour last night to stop the bad dreams. They just flood in through the mind and take hold. Get up check the cat is breathing, have scenarios running through my head of CPR on a cat! Then suicide ideation flows in more now than ever. Silly I know.

This week is a short we as we have Matariki weekend celebrations here. It is our Māori new year and this means hungi food cooked in the ground on hot stones, music, light festival and dance.
Plan is to try partake in light festival and maybe food! Just lots of people and makes me nervous.

Well team working through this trigger stuff is real and I understand you all so much better because of it. This journey has to teach me something ah.

[oak]

Eyes puffed and sore, skin dry and jaw is sore from crying…

The body keeps true score, indeed, just like the book says.

Hang in there! Keep posting

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

A few inline comments if I may.
(I've wanted to do this since your first postings, but you've been dealing with so much!)


Sitting in the waiting room was feeling like a bottle being shaken inside of me.
SD- Yes, I've had that feeling too. Almost like you're standing in the wings before the curtain goes up

Externally to the therapist office I haven’t really taken the time to evaluate my actions since my last appointment three weeks ago.

SD - Yeah, homework is important. Maybe discuss this... Nothing overwhelming, but jot down a few thoughts and observations day to day?

As soon as I sat down the flood gates opened. And not like a little trickle before the big release either. The cork on my mental bottle popped and I released a flood of emotion and shock.

SD - All this stuff you have bottled up.... But in your posts you're so perceptive and descriptive... Gotta learn to let a little out as you go along...

If you can recall when my son had his accident the other day I froze. I felt paralysed on the spot. Refused to get in the car to go to him. (Here comes the tears again, put your gumboots on).

SD - Anyone would freeze, at least for few moments. Who wouldn't be shocked if this played out in realtime on the phone. The scenario is like it's out of a movie or something.

My husband couldn’t understand why I was paralysed on the spot, this started an argument of the ‘no, yes’ game.

SD - So why *were* you paralyzed? I'm sure you had a strong urge to run to help him too, didn't you?
Might this be a learned type of avoidance response? What were you afraid of? Can you name it?

After being forced into the car I sat in silence and when he spoke to me I got angry at being in the car. I was useless going as I knew inside I was in fight, flight freeze move in a moving vehicle.

SD - Yes, anger is usually the outward expression of more complicated inner emotions... I've heard that actors say it's one of the easier things to express, doesn't take much nuance.

Could you see yourself verbalizing your inner turmoil then, in a non-confrontational way? Your husband was probably worried too.... Have you revisited the scenario with your husband and son since, now that the immediacy has gone?

I never showed much emotion about it at all. When we got home I hugged my boy and carried on as if nothing happened. I put it aside so i didn’t have to deal with it.

SD - But we all know that we'll end up dealing with things one way or another....Can you imagine yourself saying "I was shocked, and afraid that you were really hurt. I have a tendencey to assume the worst..."
Maybe it could have been a chance at connection. Explain your worries, and rejoice that things turned out OK (well, maybe not for the car...).

Then the weekend of came and friend was trying to talk me into seeing my specialist again for bowel as yet again i chickened out and said no to treatment after saying I would. Why? Fear, bloody fear.

SD - This one is hard, but detection of anything, early on, is the only way to do it. What would you say to a dear friend who had the same choice?

Then the cat episode happened and again I showed it hurt deeply only when alone in the car for all of 2 minutes as I needed to go back to work. Again put it to the side.

SD - So, you're a Modern Digital kind of gal - Binary on & off.... Zeroes and Ones Maybe a bit of old-fashioned Analog modulation of expression-of-feelings couid help here? Compartmentalization is a real and valuable technique, but needs a relief valve too.

Then today… I walk into the clinic and boom i cry. Ugly cry.

SD - So bottled up face-to-face. But online you're different!

I learn slowly it is trigger response and yes people PTSD is ugly. I just wasn’t aware to the level of ugly it could get.
I sat there shaking, cold, snotty, upset and then a lightbulb went off and I clicked I was in shock.
I don’t remember walking back to my clinic. I couldn’t even tell you what day it is.

SD - Not sure, but I imagine you're often dealing with complex medical subjects and issues with oft-times vulnerable people. If so, this takes quite a bit of emotional strength and compartmentalization I guess. And it's exhausting after awhile...

If you recall the old tapes we used to play music with, I feel like I’ve had to go back a few songs and try recall the last few days.
The forum that SD kicked off again regarding the little poems were soooooo good. They helped me SD. They make you stop and pause and think about the now.

SD - When I'm anxious and overwhelmed, I guess I get a little obsessive. Phrases sometimes pop into my inner narrative, and Haiku is a rather simple way to get them into solid form. I feel a bit of accomplishment and sometimes a chuckle too. And counting the 5-7-5 syllable train is maybe a sort of mindfulness?

What’s annoying is the brain fog, the forgetfulness while you are recovering from a trigger moment. The effects it’s has even right now is hard. But it’s real people, this shit is so hard, so painful at times but also so rewarding knowing that you all get it.
Thank you for being my gold!
----------------------------------------------------------------
You know that feeling you get the day after a meltdown panic attack?
Well today is that day.
Eyes puffed and sore, skin dry and jaw is sore from crying and trying to keep it shut so no one hears be downstairs on yoga mat sobbing my heart out.

SD - What do you think caused the panic attack?
When you're working through so much sometimes you need a good cry. If you let hubby and son in on it ahead of time, so as not to worry, might they understand?

Tried to talk to hubby last night but feel like a burden telling him my woes. Plus he’s not really been in these shoes and it feels selfish to try get him to understand.

SD - Yes, it's hard, and can be overwhelming to the hearer since they haven't lived the experience, and may feel somewhat helpless in knowing how to respond (when simply listening and acknowledgement are enough). Maybe a capsule summary with a few escape clauses to start?

Got up every hour last night to stop the bad dreams. They just flood in through the mind and take hold. Get up check the cat is breathing, have scenarios running through my head of CPR on a cat! Then suicide ideation flows in more now than ever. Silly I know.

SD - Have you tried to pre-rehearse before you sleep, or analyse the dreams for common themes. Your brain is trying to work thru things "on it's own" during the night, maybe a little conscious reverie before and after would help?
And last resort could be and OTC, or prescribed sedative? You need your rest.

(And BTW - I'm sure you've seen pictures when firefighters put small O2 masks on rescued dogs & cats? Always brings a tears to my eyes... Such a kind gesture to helpless creatures. Pinnacle of humanity. And it often works too!)

This week is short we as we have Matariki weekend celebrations here. It is our Māori new year and this means hungi food cooked in the ground on hot stones, music, light festival and dance.
Plan is to try partake in light festival and maybe food! Just lots of people and makes me nervous.

SD - Need to look that up. Sounds like fun, but large crowds can be nerve-wracking and exhausting after awhile.

Well team working through this trigger stuff is real and I understand you all so much better because of it. This journey has to teach me something ah.

SD - We're here to listen and validate as much as we can!

[manuel_moe_g]

Thank you, SnoringDog, for doing this breakdown for our friend Mental Fairy.

[snoringdog]

Hope I'm not out of line...

[Mental Fairy]

SD, your are outstanding. Thank you.
Words fail me and thank you for taking the time to do this for me. Yes, it helped. I needed to read that.
It’s 9 degrees Celsius here and sitting in the laundry mat with hubby waiting for the washing to dry.
Matariki weekend and it’s our first ever. First national holiday for new year for our Māori population. Great history behind it and wonderful celebration. I personally won’t go to the lights at night as all the people like you say SD. So on my 4am run I went down to the foreshore to see them instead and no one there but security guard with a great first aid kit as I tripped while looking around!!! Knees look like they been kicking concrete!

The panic attack I had was my brain response to shock. The therapist explained things in such great detail.
I have a great fear of loss. So interesting to manage as I found a snail in my hallway and made sure he went back to the garden to eat my beautiful winter flowers!! I can’t even let go of bugs!
The thought of facing my son at an accident was way to much for my brain to cope with. The fear is so intense.

On the plus side my cat went for a walk today and jumped over our back wall into the horse paddock. So I, the owner of fear also goes over the fence and brings her back. However, the land depth on the other side is lower so o couldn’t get back over! She sat on the fence like a proud feline as I tried to get up and over. In the end I had to text my husband to come down to the back garden and being a ladder as I was ankle deep in horse Pooh and mud!

Thank you SD. I am so grateful for your existence!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Thank you. I hope your sessions are helping you sort this all stuff out and you're find coping strategies.

You are such a wonderful storyteller!
I'm enjoying the horse manure image and Grampy.

Years ago at a farm B & B in Ireland, while exploring the grounds, a huge white bull had crossed into our corral area and was agitated and roaming around. As he got closer we started to look for a hiding place, and found a large barn with a sunken floor. It was full of manure at least knee deep, apparently!
We were just about ready to take the plunge when the owner's teenage lass came out a shooed the bull back to his paddock. Whew!

[rivergirl]

Mental Fairy,

You asked about how I deal with grief. I didn't want to ignore your question but I'm not dealing with it well lately and am afraid to offer any advice.

Your burden seems unfairly heavy for one person. You care for so many, and I hope you can continue to find ways to care for yourself more as well.

You're taking important steps including therapy and sharing your feelings (including with the wonderful people in this forum).

I wish I could take away some of your pain.

rivergirl