Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi family

Today is finally rain free and a little bit warmer.
Mood is someone flat line. Feeling rather sleepy.
Last night I again had a cry but not as bad as the other days. My cat has clicked on that her medication comes in a syringe and it’s now something she runs from the moment I go into the kitchen. Twice a day it’s a rerun episode of road runner and coyote trying to catch her. She’s also learnt sweetness tactics to avoid being drugged! Rolls around and smooches then turns on me like a demonic feline prior to the comical game of hide and seek.

Anywho back to last night… I think I’m sluggish as I was given some medication if I felt panic set it so I took one. Next minute it‘s 10pm and banging on the door is heard from the depths of my pre sleepwalking state. Once semi awake I shuffle in my rather warm and fluffy winter pjs to the front door to see who is there. The medication completely stopped feelings or danger and worry. I very calmly opened the front door and find my son 6foot6 standing there dripping wet as he worked a late shift last night and forgot his keys.

It made me realise that maybe that was a bit dangerous not having any feeling at all! As much as I wish not to feel things anymore I certainly see how not feeling can be dangerous, as it could of been absolutely anyone there.
I assume though if it was a bad person they would look past my super warm zebra looking super thick soft pjs and think I’m to insane to attack anyway?
Medication can be great but not feeling is just as terrifying as feeling!
Can’t win!
On the plus side it took away the anxiety and that voice saying so many nasty and horrible things to myself.

Once I got up this morning an hour later than normal I went for my run. By they time I was half way around my trail the sun can up and it’s like a brain shift. I stopped, put my head down and walked. Sounds silly how I can only run in the dark!
Yet I can run trails in the bush in day but I choose not to as risk of injury higher.
The moment the sun comes up on a run the voice starts, I’m not good enough, don’t make eye contact with anyone. Focus on getting home.
It’s so bloody weird!

Alas today I plan to watch some of my favourite series on tv, abandoned engineering. Absolutely love that show with its history.

Thinking of you all.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Glad you got some rest! Sleep is vital, and getting it is critical.

If the effect was too strong, maybe cut a pill in half?

I have a few klonopin left over from dental work from years ago, and once in a great while when my anxiety peaks and I'm having trouble controlling it, I have consciously, and with aforethought, taken 1/2 tab to take the edge off. (One pill was too soporific, and not what I wanted. Also am aware of the habit-forming possibility that I really want to avoid).

Just a thought....

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD. Why I never thought of that I don’t know! In the moment the first thing I needed was for it to stop. Maybe leaning into it more and assessing it before I cut a tablet. Management is key.
My cat is currently watching bird life on You Tube and that’s become her drug of choice.
As soon as I go towards the room with tv she sits in front looking up for birds! Made me think of you!!!
Also of note I think I might start going down to the horses more if feeling overwhelmed. They do help.
Really hoping Manuel Moe is ok.

[oak]

MentalFairy, good day!

I'm sorry I missed your post of June 25.

The moment the sun comes up on a run the voice starts, I’m not good enough...

Oh, word.

I have the exact same experience when I exercise at home. I'm all good in group exercise classes, but as soon as I cardio or stretch, it just begins immediately.

I wonder what is going on with that? How is it so state-dependent (sun for you, by myself for me)?

[Mental Fairy]

Morning Oak, raining here this morning and stormy.
I only run by myself and never with anyone. It’s my head time. Time to focus on my favourite podcasts and or silence. However the sun comes up and I make my way home as soon as possible.
I go into a zone that I can only describe as my own.
The fantasy of having the town to myself on an early morning run is luxurious to me. No people, the ocean sounds and the occasional truck coming from port.

After talking to therapist about running at night or early hours he pointed out a couple of things.

1. My job consists of constant noise and distractions so peaceful runs counterbalances the need for calm.

2. My self esteem is very low, I battle with the feeling of not being good enough and not wanting to be seen. I tend not to make eye contact with anyone if I do come across people. I have noticed I get grumpy as soon as I see someone! I know this is nuts but the selfishness of wanting time to myself under the cover of darkness with the stars and sometimes the rain is blissful to me. It gives me enough energy to get through my day.

3. It’s a control thing also.

I tried the gym and I honestly felt like I was suffocating surrounded by people. It was my worst nightmare. The noise, smells and also equipment was very hard to process. I used to go at 4am but there was always shift workers there working out before bed. Not for me.

We are odd creatures ain’t we!

[oak]

... and not wanting to be seen.

From what you've shared, you have excellent reason to do this, IME. I find this very rational, my friend. I say this with the full authority of someone who has experienced and survived some stuff himself, MentalFairy.

We are odd creatures ain’t we!

We may be odd, indeed, but we are survivors. If running in the rain and dark keeps body and soul together, keep it up.

[Mental Fairy]

Today, today is Thursday and it’s frosty and crisp.
I woke with a shock having had a dream of my family members that have all past. I woke with a shock as my oldest brother and his family were there also. Those members are very much alive but I divorced those members years ago.

I woke needing a reminder that I’m ok. I felt dead inside. Sick with worry that my entire family were now haunting me in my dreams.

I dreamt of a home I was wanting to move into. There were stairways that made no sense. There were rooms that felt familiar. Every room I walked into they were there.

I didn’t want them there. They were not welcome. I was unable to understand what they were talking about.
I walked outside in my dream and saw this huge area that was ideal for yoga. I asked if I could just have this space only in the home. No one answered me. I looked up and the home was falling down and rotting areas were growing weaker.

I woke up. Outside.

I stood there looking up at the stars. My gosh they were beautiful this morning. I noticed something, I couldn’t find the moon.

I stumbled back inside and got my running kit on. Not once did I think it was odd I woke up outside in the winter frost.

I went for my run, I still couldn’t find the moon. The stars this morning were amazing. I wished I could keep the entire day in darkness. That way I wouldn’t have to hide away.

I made dinner for tonight and got things sorted. Cuddles with the cat and meditation on the yoga mat.

Still not worried I woke up outside!

Now In my office at work and to afraid to open my inbox of mail. I thought of you all and went onto mental health happy hour and listened to my survey to remind myself of why I’m here. To hear the message again of why I am the way I am.
To understand I’m not alone. We are in many ways connected, and today is possible to get through.

Why must living be so hard?

[manuel_moe_g]

Why must living be so hard?

Please take care, Mental Fairy. You are going through some very intense stuff right now. Feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end. So important to live moment by moment in times like these, and stay busy.

[Mental Fairy]

Today is like running through mud. I am noticing some changes in myself that i am unable to get my head around. Anger at the smallest thing, dust, noise, smells, even at nothing. I feel for some reason a sense of shame. No idea why.
I have a case at work that is so difficult to watch. Young lady with recurrent ovarian cancer and the scan report came back today saying ovaries look cystic. This is from a pathologist and guess what, we took the ovaries out in 2019 along with everything else so there isn't any. I have lost a lot of confidence in the medial system here as it is a massive mess.

I don't know why i am feeling such anger and all i feel like doing is screaming into the wind. Its that feeling when you can't seem to breath in enough air or your forget to even breath at all. I went home at lunch time and couldn't even talk to husband or my son, i feel such shame. I feel so at a loss and the feelings i am having are so very intense. Was close to panic mode earlier so rushed home to take 1/4 tablet to help calm this feeling. Maybe feeling it is good? I don't know.
The other thing i have noticed is i put my earbuds in with nothing playing just to drown out the external world so i don't have to hear cars, or people.

This is PTSD isn't it? This is the beast that's been hiding in the shadows? This is the real thing i know but wow its effecting so much.

I got a letter in the mail today from my oncologist stating all the details regarding my health plan for the bowel and i tore it up. I felt like just a case number and that is not how i treat my own patients. They get treated like a family member. I saw the plan and i don't want to do any of it. It's like i get backed into a corner.
The dreams last night didn't help and i feel they have thrown me into a spin today. Feeling of being teased by my own mind. Seeing the member of my family i miss dearly and seeing the ones i wish were never born.
My anxious feelings today and taken hold, managed to pick of an entire finger nail of paint that i have been getting done green in support for Oaks plans of building up funds.
What i would give to just go home and climb under the blankets and hide. It is amusing in a way as i know a lot of you would love to be in this country and i in yours!

Five more patients to go, best get my mask on and continue.

Thank you all so much for allowing me to offload my mind vomit onto this forum.
I hope you ok Manuel Moe. You are being thought of from this side of the planet.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy

Today is like running through mud. I am noticing some changes in myself that i am unable to get my head around. Anger at the smallest thing, dust, noise, smells, even at nothing. I feel for some reason a sense of shame. No idea why.

Lack of Sleep is the first thing you should think of... Seems like it "shouldn't matter" but it does! And your sleep is obviously troubled which adds immensely to things.

(As I'm getting older, I notice that I don't rebound as quickly from lack of sleep, especially if I stay awake a few hours later than usual. Routines and schedules count, if I'm able to follow them)

I'm concerned with the sleep-walking. Don't want you to get hurt! Certain parts of the brain that we think of as part of consciousness are obviously working (preventing you from walking into walls, losing balance, enabling you to negotiate stairs, open doors etc.) but still...

Have you considered having a sleep study or something done?
Does much research exist on the subject?

Here's a little literary tidbit for you...

Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care,
The death of each day’s life, sore labor’s bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast.

- Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 2

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Thank you all so much for allowing me to offload my mind vomit onto this forum.

You're welcome! "It's better than television"

Wishing you the best, and a good night's sleep!

SD