Mindfulness

[manuel_moe_g]

There’s something in me that believes that I need to be punished (by myself) or, I might die.
Punishment as a safety measure. Ridiculous… astonishing.

For me the old habit works like this:

if i punish myself, i can become good - the opposite of my father, who totally loves himself, and who is bad.

thanks for taking us along on your journey, Zen Master Beany!

[Beany Boo]

‘Life sucks and sings.’

I felt like I was trying today.

Nothing was going particularly right or well but, it seemed to be inexplicably working just a little bit regardless.

I think I might be learning something.

[Beany Boo]

I think I might be learning something.

1. Dissatisfy fear

[Beany Boo]

The extent of my attention’s capacity:

“… a good thing wants to happen…”

[Beany Boo]

“… the risk of it doing that… ”

[Beany Boo]

I had a difficult time last night.

I’m still smarting from it.

Someone I sort of trusted blindsided me in a space that was relatively safe up until then.

I feel that I’ve been shamed just for being myself.

My instinct is to let myself feel soft and vulnerable. It seems like an odd way to protect myself. Emotions work differently I guess.

‘Being strong’ feels harmful.

[snoringdog]

Shame hurts.
A physical feeling...
It's natural to recoil.

[Beany Boo]

Shame hurts.
A physical feeling...
It's natural to recoil.

Thank you SD,

An excellent reminder

I had a similar thought. I just finished a long meditation where I put my awareness on the physical sensations I associate with the shaming. Once I located them in various parts of my body, I let my awareness stay there while the sensations sort of, evolved and subsided.

It’s worked before (under professional guidance). Hopefully it will work now. I definitely feel better at the moment.

[manuel_moe_g]

Someone I sort of trusted blindsided me in a space that was relatively safe up until then.
I feel that I’ve been shamed just for being myself.
My instinct is to let myself feel soft and vulnerable. It seems like an odd way to protect myself. Emotions work differently I guess.
‘Being strong’ feels harmful.

That is too bad, Beany, sorry to hear it.

[Mental Fairy]

Beany you are a fabulous teacher. I admire your strength and ability.
Forgiveness Beany, pure forgiveness.