Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Family

Well this week has gone faster than a road runner on a treadmill. Last therapy session i walked away with no follow up appointment for the first time. He has left it to me to contact with time and day. I feel like it has left me with an ability to sit and ponder the past few months and the months to come. Not that i can see into the future, just i can plan what i feel is right for me or not.

I have distanced myself from my neighbor as she is isn't exactly the friend i need when i get told nothing is good enough. She does make me feel someone awkward and doesn't really appreciate what we do for her and her partner.

I am forcing myself to get into a morning routine that makes me feel confident about the day ahead. Setting time to stop and breath, take notice of things and enjoy more time on the yoga mat. With the cat also.

My son got a new car and I'm somewhat nervous again about him out on the roads. I don't think any mother stops worrying about their kids.

We are forever being hit with storm after storm, which i like weirdly. I was on my morning run yesterday in the pouring rain. I came across a single lazy boy chair on the side of the road. If it was dry and daylight i think i wouldn't of done what i did! As i approached this object i could just make out in the darkness a large object. My brain took a moment to accept there was a big seat on the side of the road. I took the opportunity to rest my legs and sat in this drenched seat and put my feet up! Yes, little conservative me jumped into this chair and sat back in the rain for five minutes and looked up at the falling rain. I had a little giggle to myself as it was 4:45am in the morning and dark as dark. If anyone saw me i think they would of gone in the opposite direction. For that split second i thought that maybe i was the one and only persons sitting in the pouring rain in a free lazy boy chair at 4:45am in the morning. That moment was mine. The warm shower on my arrival home was the best shower ever.

Finding meditation is hard. That space between thoughts is so so so hard to find. Working on it.

My speech i have started and somewhat numb when i think about it. I know it will come from a very personal experience but it is also something i need to do. I have three terminal under 30 year old patients currently and one in particular will be hard to go through.
I am aware this could set me back a little bit with the loss as she is in constant communication with me at present.

Just knowing ya all are here is a comfort. Time to head home and get on my bike....in daylight!!! Whos a big girl now!

[manuel_moe_g]

I took the opportunity to rest my legs and sat in this drenched seat and put my feet up!

Fantastic! I wish I could have the experience of sitting in a Lazy Boy in the middle of a rain storm! I should set up a Lazy Boy inside my shower! It would have to be the tiniest Lazy Boy ever...

[oak]

Agreed with our dear friend Manuel Moe: I am glad you enjoyed this moment of whimsy and rest.

And good luck with your speech preparation. Remember, just ask and I’ll be glad to suggest a framework.

Above all, remember that you currently know all you need about this topic, and interested people will listen to you attentively because they are motivated.

[snoringdog]

It is pretty funny...

I remember in an early post, Mental Fairy, you wondering how to reconnect with your inner child...
This certainly seems like it

About the "Speech". Way... way... too formal and intimidating a label in my opinion.

Why not just a "talk", with the sharing of valuable information to a receptive audience, with care, and concern.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Hi my lovely mental team.
Well went out to dinner last night for first time in ages. Have to be careful with food and bowel as the smallest change will send me into code brown.

Was going ok and sat outside under a cover as it’s very very cold here currently. Will try get some photo’s tomorrow. Plus bird feeder pics to come.
Got home as we went with our two closest friends. It was somewhat awkward and don’t like crowds so soon made our way home. I did struggle with the food, I had the most horrible thoughts of myself for being an idiot to try eat out.
Got up for my morning jog and 50min later I was in the worry zone of the bowel. It was the one time I wished I had a bowel bag! The last two km was walked and very carefully.
All I can say is never again!!!!

I do wish I could eat like anyone else but I am grateful I can eat without a tube and very grateful for the experience of bowel disease. Helps me with my own patients.

I’m on standby for a pregnancy demise. Spent a large amount of Saturday afternoon helping patient whom needs to birth a deceased fetus
And husband is in Germany trying to get home. Sadly our airline is having huge cancellations due to lack of staff and not enough planes.
I was horrified to be told there is only a two week supply of medication left in our country for patients on anxiety medications. Next stock arriving at end of month.

We are having a wave of covid coming through again but I’ve still not had it.
I have to keep positive as the alternative is not an option.

I’ll take my phone on run tomorrow and hope chair is still there! Yes the inner child has arrived SD!!! Just don’t want to be the one that craps her running leggings!!!
Homemade pizzas for dinner. And it’s clean sheet day! Hope you all ok. Thinking of you all.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy.

You are one tough lady...... Respect.

Your last lines made me laugh out loud!

SD

[oak]

Homemade pizzas for dinner.

While food isn't love (or so "they" say), feel free to treat yourself with a bit more olive oil on said pizza. And goodness, put some halved grape/cherry tomatoes in the air fryer for a real treat. Yum!

Question:

Considering that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, MentalFairy, do you mind if I shamelessly "borrow" a version of this thread title?

I ask because I have a lot of trauma and stress leaving my body, and I am newly suffused with body shame. So not exactly the same, but I didn't want to step on your toes.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, fire away. You may borrow any thread and run with it.
Body shame is a hard hurdle to jump my dear and while we are being honest it is hideous and so hard to process.
I recall when my disease took hold and I saw image of myself, so so so thin. Nothing left on the bones so thin. Hair was going and even my skin tone.

Being the large kid at school shying away from anything that revealed more than my toes was hell for myself. Battles with bulimia for years prior I blamed myself when my bowel stopped working correctly.

Today sitting at the kitchen table writing my speech I became teary. Your outline was in front of me on how to write this and my gratitude towards you is so hard to put into words. Also it unlocked a little of my explanation towards the topic.
Then something else became exposed.
My mother was absolutely beautiful, stunning, I will share a photo soon. She was always adjusting a diet or trying to drop a bit of weight, her nails always perfect. But I do recall nights of watching her struggling with anxiety. She would pick away at areas you don’t see, knee, foot top of the head.
When writing my speech, I found it was like following a map I had be given by you.
I followed it’s path and I unlocked some similar traits I have with my own experience similar to my mum.

Mum started dying my hair when I was 15. Make me blonde and not brown. Send me to edicit school as I was a Tom boy. I didn’t want to be attractive. She did however.
I wanted to detach myself from prospects as I had already been abused. She was always asking for it.

You will be wondering how this is similar to myself I’m sure.

When I’m nervous or have anxiety I pick also. On the top of my head or my arms.
My eating disorder was due to her push for me to be what she wanted me to be in later life, once she was dead. I think I wanted to make up for the person I never became to her.

While writing my speech I observed I am doing the same as her prior to diagnosis. Put it down to something else and never got checked.
I work in the very clinic I should be laying on the table. I am aware I have an 80% change of going through same way as mum. Sadly I’m ok with that. Sounds crazy I know.
There is that mental health flag raising! Big red flag flapping in the breeze.
Still my sample bottles in sit my bathroom, I’m overdue by two months for my bloods. Why? Because part of me feels worthless, I didn’t live up to her expectations. I don’t deserve or I don’t have the energy to face a long life!
In the end her shape didn’t matter, hair colour or her ability to paint her nails.

You have to be happy with you I learnt. Not one person is perfect, editing is absolutely wrong on an image and is so bad for people looking at it if it’s adjusted.


My eating disorder is always knocking on my door. The ache to be everything my parents wanted me to be is heavy. However mum tried to terminate myself and my twin and killed my sister so why should I live? Because I can.
The other part of the brain kicks in and says, darling you are good enough, you are who you are. Sure there is grey hair on the head but there is fire in my belly.
I take risks daily by running under the cover of darkness and I don’t like being seen. But you have seen me. You pointed out the map of a speech and you have helped me formulate a great explanation of ovarian cancer and self care. But I have to stand back and take ownership of this body one day. Doesn’t matter the size, shape age or ability. It’s mine.

Your body is yours Oak. I can see through your writing you are just an absolute gem of a person.
You take the time to process and you explain yourself so well.

Your body size will change as your mental state changes. You unlock a new part of yourself when you drop a little weight. I truly so deeply hope we can follow you on this journey and see your rewards.

Our posts are ours to share and would be honoured to hear your feedback. Step on my toes and it will stop me picking them buddy!!!!

[Mental Fairy]

S!@t I talk to much!!! Someone send me a pacifier! Sorry Oak I just did a typing vomit on you!

Please share you new found discovery on your progress.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for being so generous in your sharing!

Some thoughts to offer

Oak, fire away. You may borrow any thread and run with it.

Thank you, MentalFairy. I'll have my thread up, with gratitude, later today.

Your outline was in front of me on how to write this and my gratitude towards you is so hard to put into words.

I am glad my suggestions have been helpful.

Meta: Just like I offered a framework for something stressful (preparing a presentation), perhaps I modeled what you can do for your audience: offer a framework (treatment plans, expectations regarding outcomes, promising emerging research) for people facing the stressful situations of experiencing (or treating) ovarian cancer.

Toastmasters was generous enough to offer my speech-impedimented (stuttering) self a method, so I can pass along that gift.

I wanted to detach myself from prospects as I had already been abused.

Word.

Young people are so perceptive. And, as the book title suggests, anxiety is often a gift. You had excellent reason to be extremely wary, Mental Fairy. I validate younger-you's anxiety.

I am aware I have an 80% change of going through same way as mum. Sadly I’m ok with that.

For once we disagree (kindly so!). I see your acceptance not as "sad", but as a grown-up clear view of reality. The best of what "small-s" stoicism is. Your stance is based in reality, difficult as that reality is. (Difficult, but by no means hopeless.)

However mum tried to terminate myself and my twin and killed my sister...

We are only as sick as our secrets. Good for you for getting that out there.

But I have to stand back and take ownership of this body one day.

You will know when you are ready. Your psyche will just flip an invisible switch. I'd not be surprised, at all, if one day you find yourself automatically completing said blood tests. It will be easy, effortless, and over before you know it. Please keep us posted.

In conclusion, thanks again Mental Fairy for sharing!