Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

Alas, off to therapy. Sigh.

Good luck at therapy, Mental Fairy!

Please don't forget what an accomplishment it is to go to therapy.

It takes enormous courage to face, plainly, our failings. And admit that others hurt us.

[Mental Fairy]

Well feel like a flop today!!

Went to therapy and he set aside the entire morning for me!!! He knows what i deal with at work and the situations i face. He took the time and effort to help me. My dreams i have at night are becoming troublesome as i thrash about like a fish on dry land. He is also guiding me through the best steps to helping my terminal patients. His kindness is amazing.
I do feel like i am flailing a bit, i feel like nothing i said this morning made sense, worried that i also confused him about all these balls i have that i juggle.
So.....plan is.......not get to invested in the cases that can trigger me. Defer my patients to supporting teams for help.
Have my surgery but make sure i stay well as possible leading up to it.
Eat right....this is a struggle for me. I do have a habit of self hatred and turn on myself if things are not going well. Self blame.

We also found a nugget of evidence as to why i do things a particular way.
When i was little, maybe 8 years old. My oldest brother would strip me down and put me in a wheelbarrow full of water and take photos of me. As i aged i turned on myself in a way and made myself look like a boy as much as possible as i didn't want attention. At school fancy dress my mum dressed me as a witch or devil as i was not pretty enough to be a princess or fairy. (OMG, i just clicked how i used Mental Fairy as my name, and at my past work as dental surgery nurse i was known as tooth fairy......) The one thing i could never be as a kid. shit! there's a lightning bolt to my brain!

Anywho....as i have grown older and have no contact with that brother at all i became more of a lady!! I still climbed mountains, ran miles and only started doing my nails in the last year! It's taken all these years to see what i do to myself. Restrictive eating patterns, almost to a point of self harm. prior to bowel disease i struggled with a shocking eating disorder. Then when told i can't eat much and they were going to tube feed me for a year i was over the moon! Got me out of eating but lost a lot of bowel in the process.
I felt like i deserved it in a way. I recall sitting in the surgeons office asking if i brought the disease on myself by my eating issues. They assured me that it was not my fault. It would of happened anyway.

There is always such large amounts of inner conflict in ourselves. But with the yoga and mindfulness practice i am slowly learning to accept me for me. It do have bad days and that's ok. I do have great days and that is fantastic. It is just knowing others feel the same that has helped. We are seperate to our vessels in a way. We think we are not good enough, thin enough, fast enough, motivated enough but really who is asking that?

Just need to take it easy on my self more often.

Well better get home. I've managed to clear my desk and get ready for patients tomorrow. Time to go home and cook my family some pie!!
My husband is now home in isolation as he has covid so i will have to test everyday before work! bugger covid!

Thinking of you all.
Gia

[manuel_moe_g]

You said you felt like a flop, but these self-insights seem to me to be a triumph.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Yes, triumph maybe? Just not feeling it yet. Delayed i guess.

Husband at home very sick with Covid. He slept sitting upright in the spareroom while trying to bring his lungs up. I am still testing negative and have no clue how i am. Our neighbours also have it. I currently do have a head cold and got my sexy voice going!

Not sure if anyone can relate but this morning i woke at 4am, eyes looked at clock and brain said to my inner self to sleep until 5am and then run. Yes, i ran with a head cold. The stars looked amazing this morning and i hate missing out on the stars. I always look up and just take it in along the way. Maybe that's why i fall over so much! I soon started to have an argument with myself. I heard one side of me say i was an idiot and should be tucked up in bed keeping warm with the cat, and the other half of me saying run the full distance don't give up. It was a consistent banter in my head. I cut maybe 3km off my run as i was struggling with energy levels. Forced myself to run harder on the last 2km as i saw someone on the other side of road and i had to pass them!

I know this sounds madness but i really feel so much better when i get home. I know that i will be grumpy for the rest of the day if i don't go. Its like a constant circle in my head of thoughts. I got home and flopped onto my mat and did breathing techniques to help me get a good start to day.
However, i sit at my desk now after running samples to labs and checking on patients and feel so deflated and tired.
Felt embarrassed about my therapy session on Tuesday as it didn't make sense in my head. I felt i sat there and just tried to make sense of something i can't make sense of. I felt underprepared and very ashamed of how my mind works. I tried to talk to Joe but i can't. There is such an element of shame coming with my thoughts now. The shame wasn't always there. Why now?

This morning before i went to work i went out to feed the birds. I filled the feeder and hang it in the tree. Sat and watched the birds coming in and taking their share. It was so peaceful and pleasant. For a split second i felt ok.
I put my earpods in and put on my podcast History Hit and listened to the latest episode on Anne Franks step sister. If you are into history this really was a beautiful interview. I felt level, almost at peace.

Now i feel up tight, tired and frustrated i can't find the words. This upcoming surgery and husband has covid. I am on so many immune suppressants i hate to think what will happen if i catch it. I wondered if i do pass away i hope in the next life i can still read books, listen to history podcasts and enjoy pizza! I think the reality of the world in the state it is in we are all on our own fighting our own battles and i'm so grateful for you lot!

Alas, i must get back to paperwork next patient in 30min.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thanks for sharing.

[Mental Fairy]

I have covid.
Doctors going to get anti viral into me as soon as possible. It’s so confusing being on all these immune suppressant medication and I need an immune system that doesn’t kill me!

Feel terrible tonight. Very heavy in the chest and painful head.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I am sorry that you have Covid, and are experiencing the classic symptoms, which profoundly suck.

The truth is, as you know as well as anyone, that Covid is serious. I had OG Covid “before” it was officially here, and it is a serious matter.

Fully recognizing this, your odds of a full recovery are excellent. You know how far the treatments have come in 2.5 years, and at the risk of doxxing myself: I observe first hand the enormous resources dedicated to studying and mitigating this disease.

While none of this may make you feel any better right now (though I hope it does!), someday soon this will be in your rear view mirror. We’ll stand by you the whole way.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Mental Fairy, sending you good luck and support over the Internet wires.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi family

Was a long night, awaiting my doctors to sort anti viral medication. I feel like my chest is wrapped in a lead apron. Very reluctant to take my immune suppressants. Seems so counterproductive.

Alas to the yoga room to stretch. I can hear my cat meowing at my husband for more treats so Better save him from shredded legs!

Thinking of you all and thank you kindly for your wise words Oak. Manuel Moe I truly hope you are doing ok. Your picture on your profile lights up my day with a smile when I see it.

[snoringdog]

Hello Gia,

(Is it alright to use your name, based on your insights about "Mental Fairy" the other day? If not, forgive me..).
Things change so quickly. I've been travelling since Sunday, so haven't checked in til now.

I hope you and your husband are feeling better. It's time to take it easy now, to keep your strength.

You deserve it, and your colleagues will be more than happy to step in to pick up the workload. You have lots of support. Lean on it.
And put the running aside. The road and the stars will be there waiting for you, they're not going anywhere...

I had Covid for about a week in mid-April, and experienced a double dip. Felt crummy for several days, then better, and thought I was over it. Then back to low energy for a couple of days and then OK. Cough lingered for a couple of weeks though...

We'll understand if you need to set the keyboard aside for a while. Covid, like the flu, saps your strength.
And don't delay seeking immediate help for you and your husband. Trust your instincts and don't be afraid that you're imagining things or being a hypochondriac.

Here's wishing for a speedy recovery for you both!

Regards

Snoring Dog
(Really, it's John. I appear to have been a "Gift from God" at some point myself, if you look it up... )