Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Treated my own family member today, sister in law. Sadly not great news and it’s like going backwards. She’s not even blood but all humans are blood relatives so to me it doesn’t change.

Thinking of you all tonight as I wish we could all go out for dinner and talk our chins off!

[Mental Fairy]

Miss the bush

[Mental Fairy]

Alas, the brain does it usual trick when i least expect it.

Got home last night and was so tired. A tired where your legs and arms grow restless and seem to have a mind of their own. I flopped into bed while the boys took off to the port to secure things as we have a red level flooding coming. Anywho!

Sleep came, the dreams followed with little to no control of the events. Lucid dreaming is hard to process as it seems you can see every pixel in the mind. Even in the dream i knew i was dreaming but sat in a chair and thought purposely of all the bad things to happened to me while in the company of my step father.
This man i have not really gone into on here as he is a level of evil i can't comprehend. Previous rape charges against his two other daughters from a previous marriage, thriving business which he sold to my oldest brother whom is also a sexual predator to this day. I sat in this dream in deep thoughts knowing i was dreaming. I rattled off all the things he did do me. All the witnesses to his behaviour and a fleeting chat with my mother.

I woke in a state of shock as he has never really taken up real estate in my brain for many years, yet i fear this man. To relive his presence is chilling and a reminder of how one person can effect the state of another. Even in the sleeping state.

Dog tired today. Cup of coffee and water at my desk. Didn't run this morning as the weather is shocking. However, i do love a good rainfall from time to time.
My legs feel restless after yoga. My eye lids heavy. The brain feels like this man is behind me hidden around the corner somewhere in the depths of my brain. Some people don't deserve air.

[oak]

Mental Fairy thank you for sharing.

Considering that fear is often a gift, you have excellent reason to be afraid of him. It is wholly reasonable.

Also, I hope you have good sleep soon. All this sounds exhausting. Can you imagine having both sleep apnea and bad dreams?

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, Mental Fairy, i wish i could take those dreams away by just wiggling a few electrons over the internet wires. Peaceful sleep, i would like my gift to you to be.

[Mental Fairy]

Well team it happened.
Not sure if you recall but when mum passed she died of a terminal haemorrhage due to the tumours in the bowel and stomach.
It took a while for this process to complete and I can not even begin to explain the noise, the smell and the movement her body took during this process.

Three weeks ago a patient (36year old) was in theatre with us for a abdominal hysterectomy and we had some post operative bleeding and had to take her back to theatre the same night. She also has a underlying medical condition hence doing this major operation at such a young age. For three weeks she has had some bleeding and we have managed to contain it and keep her stable.
She went home yesterday afternoon after her post operation check up.
I left work to drop some instruments at the hospital and to collect my husband as I’m not sure if you have seen on any news feeds but we are in category red storm flooding. Houses are being washed away, evacuation taking place and rivers have burst there banks. We are ok currently as we live high in mountain hills and not low lying area.
I cell rings and it’s my boss, she says to meet back at clinic as this patient has had a bleed and we need to put a pack into the vault and prep for theatre first thing this morning. We only work on private hospital not public so I rung ahead to confirm there was a bed free and get this women on the list for morning surgery. We were declined as not enough staff. But they would ring back and see if they could do anything to make room.

Meanwhile this lady arrives wrapped in towels around her waist into our private clinic where I have gone back to. Her husband ran in with the look of fear.
I kid you not, she soaked four towels in blood. She was wearing jeans that was containing the clots.
I got her up onto the bed as she was losing her ability to stand. My boss was on her way still.
Removed her jeans and saw the terminal haemorrhage with my own eyes.
She was losing an enormous amount of blood and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I placed my hand in to put pressure to slow it but it just kept going. Called ambulance obviously and they were on their way. Put catheter in to drain the bladder as they was putting pressure on area making her bleed more.

She lost consciousness and I don’t recall much after that. I was responsible for that lady at that time and I was losing her.

Her husband was there watching and trying to keep her awake. My boss and I packed the vault with medical packing and nothing would stop it.

Ambulance arrived, they couldn’t get a line in as she was so lacking on blood. Veins collapsed. She got to public hospital and into theatre late last night had emergency surgery and many bags of blood.

I drove home, I had zero emotions. Numb. I put on my grandads song and listening to it gave me a feeling of something i can’t explain. I walked up the stairs at home and sobbed my heart out. My son watched on as I broke into a million pieces.
I witnessed something I prayed wouldn’t happen again in my line of sight. I saw it, held her, tried so hard to not see my mothers events playing out in front of me yet again.

I feel to sleep and dreamt it all over again. Exhausted and shocked I sit here in the dry cleaners with all the towels and clothing from last night hoping I’ll get through today and fear what this has done to my brain.

[Mental Fairy]

If you got to the podcast’ You won’t believe what happened to me’ you will hear me do a talk. Go towards the end, I’m the last guest on.

[manuel_moe_g]

https://jimharold.com/bad-intentions-you-wont-believe-what-happened-to-me-10/

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Manuel Moe.
Walked into clinic about 20min ago and saw the bed where it all happened. Walked right back out again. Feel so weird. Feel like I’m walking on a tight rope of emotions

[oak]

That is heavy, Mental Fairy.

How are you feeling now?