Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

The sleep clinic can’t help me. It’s out of their scope!

You gave it a good try. Just like with the door-washing, well begun is half done. A good start for both!

... as it will be me looking after him.

No one, especially me, would judge you for tending to your own situations (oncological concerns, mental health), since you aren't obligated to take care of him.

I mean, if you really want to, go for it! Otherwise, perhaps the most you can do is use your professional contacts to find him an appropriate nursing home.

Hope Oak is ok with Sunday with you currently.

Yes, I safely navigated the weekend, Mental Fairy! Thank you for thinking of me.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

SD thank you for the funny story. Our service is also painful slow here and yesterday was a difficult one to be standing there absolutely insistent I was seeing two lines of letters on the eye test when there was three. Then telling the lady I see better when I sleep walk than I do when I awake. She thought I was joking.

I’m aware of the profound ability to control some dreams. I can even be so aware in my dream state that I can think internally about what I’m going to do. In my dream last night I would close my eyes while in a bad situation and see images of my cat. I would practice doing this in my dream. It’s so strange.

Matt said he could hear me yelling in my sleep last night. Asking if others see a motor bike. Or road that was giving way under the tyres of a van I was in with my grandfather.
I don’t think we truly know ourselves do we on this journey. We learn as we go along.

I did ask myself this morning on my run what is the feelings I’m striving to achieve? Pure happiness, less grief and sorrow? What would a be like, is it possible and would I want too feel that way. I’m not sure it’s possible. I’m striving to be something unobtainable.

I strive to be the runner I once was. I however strive to not be the person I once was also.

Better get to the hospital and put my head into work for a few hours.

[Mental Fairy]

It’s so hard today. I feel depleted and defeated. Blanket of grief flowing in hourly bursts. It’s an effort to talk, opening my mouth to eat seems hard. Silly question to ask myself why, just intense feeling of loss at random. This is depression isn’t it, this is the real deal I fought with for all those years. Only now I’m in more control. I will eat, I will sleep and I will allow it. I just can’t explain it to anyone else currently with my voice.
I long so much for my grandad, Taken so young and so unfair on the day of Matt’s birth. My boy missed out on the most loving kind man. So gentle, so full of mischief and comedy. So handsome and strong. So protective. I would of thought I would be pleased to have my boy turn 18. If anything it’s like a new grief. Another loss but also a gain. He made it this far! I made it this far. Sitting on the deck before watching the sun go down on this Tuesday. I would give anything to feel his hugs, run my hand over his sailors tattoos. Feel his whiskers on his face, that stubble that makes your skin tingle. To hear him drop his book in the bath, oh and his farts in the bath through the wall, it was an iron bath so it made the best rumble!

This is going to be a tough week my dear friends and I’m so sorry your on this ride with me! I would refund your tickets but I feel we will all have bad days and all need this voice of support, because opening my mouth to voice this pain is far to hard right now.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Mental Fairy. You are hurting, but I love this post. I am getting a better sense of grandad with each post like this one.

[Mental Fairy]

Bloody grief. Focus on the positive. There is many. Focus on the beautiful sky, there is lots of it. Focus on the day. It’s to long. Focus on yourself, it hurts to much.

Thank you for being here.
My joy this morning was no self punishment with running. Just Squirrels on you tube for the cat that kept her entertained while I make dinner for tonight, I already see I will be to exhausted to do it when I get home.
I slept badly with fear of walking and talking. Strange when you fear your unconscious state. Wonder if I can have dreams when I have my surgery in a few days. Quietly crapping myself about this.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

Surgery in the near future is enough to upset anyone’s appetite and ability to sleep.

I hope both get better soon, and that your preparation for the surgery goes well.

Please do keep us posted!

[snoringdog]

Hello Gia,

Two gentlemen (warmer and more eloquent than I) have just posted thoughts I totally agree with.

And if knowing that you have a small, sympathetic audience on the other side of the planet is of help to you, that makes me glad!

Wishing you the best.

SD

[snoringdog]

Wonder if I can have dreams when I have my surgery in a few days.

If you have dreams, I hope they're pleasant and beautiful.
But if it's anything like I experienced with my first colonoscopy a few years ago, it went like this -

Had a nice chat with the anesthesiologist as I was lying there, and was waiting to "count backwards from one hundred by sevens" or similar, that I'd often heard about.

And then I woke up and they were done!
Felt a little cheated that I missed out on the mental challenge.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Thank you, I used to have the surgery every six months and become very defiant and refused surgery for two years as I was just so over it. Now I guess I’m going to have to face it again.

Very low currently and just so tired.

[snoringdog]

Wow. That's a lot to undergo.
Quite understandable that you got fed up.

Wish we could help. You need Sleep-Sleep-Sleep. It makes all the difference.
(And forgive me, but you seem to be on a real emotional rollercoaster your last few postings).

Is your family back around? If not, may I suggest reaching out? .... They're just a phone call away.

SD