Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

River girl I wish I had you next door.
I wasn’t always nice in my marriage, I was frustrated and hurt that my family couldn’t understand my passion for the hills. Or our hill. Mt Taranaki. Also known as Mount Egmont.

I was horrible in the depths of my depression, a mixed bag of eating issues and self harm in a way I’m not proud of.

Joe needs a medal for putting up with me. I’m so different to what I used to be. Endless trial of medications didn’t end well.

Thank you for birthday wishes for Matt. He has surprised me today as the group of friends have all brought a beautiful necklace each in memory of a friend that passed last year due to suicide. They have had them made with a pic of him and a wish on the other side of pendant.
I noticed he was a bit down this last few days and I suspect due to Ryan should of been 18 also this month. Tough at any age.

I can hand on heart say I don’t go a day wondering if you are all ok. I think because you all are there for each other and myself.

Thank you SD for answering my question. I’m sorry you went through that.
Can I ask how it has changed you coming on here? I’m interested as I would love to know how everyone feels since coming on here.

Mental hugs to all. Rivergirl I send you a massive thank you. Here for you on your journey and anyone else.

[Mental Fairy]

Therapy today. I need some inflatable arm bands to keep me afloat today!
Gosh I hope this helps.

[oak]

Just keep holding on, Mental Fairy!

Or, as our sister said much more powerfully:

https://youtu.be/Le-3MIBxQTw

[Mental Fairy]

Oh thanks Oak, just sitting in car waiting till appointment. I work right next door to the place but sitting at work and stewing over it is hard. The phone rings and I get the jitters.

This is the first time I’m gone to therapy feeling like I’m going to vomit. I actually feel sick with the feelings I’ve been having.

Now I’m going to go back to your link again while I wait.

[oak]

Very good, MentalFairy. You are demonstrating lots of courage.

And though it may be a bit late, here are some favorite brief and sweet videos:

“Safety not guaranteed”
https://youtu.be/_Dz_nQYwkl4

SNL, “What’s up with that”
https://youtu.be/IHvLhviwK30

Delightful Christmas cringe humor from Nathan Fielder
https://youtu.be/N_rnFJ9QEow

Edit to add: his eyes darting at 1:30, followed by his nervous swallowing: mood, as the kids say.

A word of encouragement from a righteous brother
https://youtu.be/KxGRhd_iWuE

[Mental Fairy]

Morning people

Therapy was ok. I don’t think I took an inhale the entire time. My brain vomited into his ears like hot sick through a colander.

Immediately I started to shake a bit and became very hot and flustered. All the signs of shock and PTSD related to the medical event at work a couple of weeks ago.

My brain was firing out all my observations I’ve noted about myself; unable to concentrate for long, terrible dreams, flashbacks of abuse, self hatred, depression like feeling, anger, reserved, teary.

An odd thing happened prior to my appointment, a women rung yesterday morning at the office and said her name was Keely Anne. My heart stopped, I actually stopped breathing. She asked for appointment with me and repeated herself as I didn’t reply for a moment. I almost wept as my twins name is Keely Anne. Never in my working life have I had a patient with that name. Never in my life have I meet anyone with that name other than my twin. I felt a bolt of strength when I got off the call. It came on the day I really was going to give up on therapy.
In the waiting room a man sat across from me and he looked familiar. Long story short he is in his 50s and diagnosed with a rare brain condition. Turned out he worked with my dad many year again at the coroners office. He left that job to drive trucks and also knew my husband. I felt for a moment things were happening to give me comfort I’m not alone.

During the therapy I came clean on my thoughts and how I’m just so depleted on all levels. How the only time I feel energy is when I got hiking with Joe.
How I feel like a waste of space, that I’m taking up room that someone could use. I’ll be taking up a hospital bed in a couple of days that someone could have.
Starting tonight I go into very bland food and limited amount of solids. Amp up the fluid intake my twice to prep the bowel for the medication I have to have starting Monday.

I have a plan to get through this and you all are coming along for the ride! I apologise in advance for my upcoming posts!!!!

My therapist said I’m remarkable as I give me all at my work. I study incredibly hard and get down to the fine details of my profession.
I do this because I was always told I would never be good enough. I do this to prove myself and my capabilities.

My sleep is a major issue, last night was a little less terrifying. You would think I would be to scared to sleep but if anything I’m overwhelmed with curiosity to see what it projects each night as terrifying as they are.

I should be on a run right now, but I can’t. I’m so worried I got up 25 min to late and the sun is coming up. It’s madness!
This is the real deal. It’s incredibly difficult to control and just as difficult to explain.

Can I please ask to whom that is reading this if they have PTSD and what are your triggers? Are they as daft as mine? Do that envelope you in fear or uncomfortable feelings?

I said to my therapist I don’t know what I would of done if I didn’t have this forum and you all. Crazy how complete strangers give comfort.

Mental hugs to all.

[rivergirl]

I'm going to be with you in spirit as you go through your surgery and recovery, Gia. I think you'll have an MIHH crew surrounding you at your bedside, ready to virtually hold your hand or give you a hug if needed.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you, it means the world honestly. Being so introverted I struggle to allow anyone into my circle. Told my husband I’ll grab a taxi to hospital as I don’t want anyone to see me. He’s refusing to accept that! I don’t think they will let me leave without someone!!! So frustrating! Sounds mad I know.
That was part of therapy yesterday, I feel like a bourdon and people don’t need this part of me in their lives. I feel bad enough you all read my thoughts!
Just as my therapy session was about to come to an end he asked me how I truly feel and I told him the truth. I feel like a waste of space at times. This past few weeks has been hard.
I wish I had more words to explain it but all the words in the world can’t even come close to how mixed up my feelings are.

I just want to get into my garden and create beautiful areas, mow the lawns, have a bath and read a book. And pat the cat!

The thought of this surgeon going into my back door bumper is terrifying me. Runners don’t have strong glutes, very weak bum muscles in fact! Suddenly feel like I should be doing 100 squats when I wake up and another 100 before bed, make sure it’s not all terrible to look at!

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck Gia/Mental Fairy!

Don't really have PTSD, my trauma is deep within my subconscious and bubbles up as excuses why I shouldn't do things

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

So many thoughts come to mind when I read your posts, but it's hard to write them all down.
Been working some all-nighters and to 3am this week, so just a couple of short notes.

1. The Glutes - I've always heard that they're what make us what we are - descendants of hunter-gatherers. The gluteus maximus is most vigorously engaged when effort or force is produced, in activities like running, climbing, or hiking.

2. Feeling like a burden, and worthless --> That's Depression, and it's a lie. (It's familiar to me.) Fortunately, not under its spell at the moment, but it's "My black dog".

3. We are here, along for your ride voluntarily and "riding shotgun".
Reading and validating. And maybe offering a few insights and encouragement along the way.
Bring it on!

Wishing you the best.

SD