Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team mental

Feeling numb still, however spent a good part of my morning cleaning all the windows down and removed any build up. Was listening back to old episodes of mental health happy hour and was intrigued by interview with sex crime detective back on 6th March 2020. I was so engrossed in the details and the questions I felt a wave of anger flood over me. I dropped my sponge out the window and began swearing like a sailor. For a moment I was completely unaware of why I had an outburst. I took a few breaths and thought about it and then I clicked I was angry at the trickle down effect of these crimes. Not sure who to be angry at, the abuser or the event that may or may not of happened that changed that persons brain to do such an act. When I picked up a book about 6months ago called “My Mother And Other Secrets” by Wendy’s Nissen i felt physically sick learning that it was the family of my step father whom it was based on. There was three generations of sexual abuse. My step father flew under the radar for so long, my husband knew within seconds of meeting him that he was odd. Once he was jailed for raping his two previous daughters in his previous marriage my mum still welcomed him into the family after he got out. Then when he did what he did to me then mum picked him over me my abandoned feeling took hold. In therapy last Friday I asked if he thought my mum was mentally unwell he agreed. I was so happy to hear this. Why on earth would she see what he was doing was ok, I’ll never understand that part.

Learning everyday down here in NZ!

My new ducks are now settled in fully at our home. I’ve made a drinking station for them. I watched them eat some seeds I put out for birds and my heart melted when they had a big drink and settled in under the washing line. Small things i know but absolutely love them!
Making a home made macaroni and cheese dish for dinner, this will be my last meal as tomorrow it’s fluids only in high volume to prep the bowel for the stuff I have to take at 5pm. Then it’s just me and the bathroom for 12 hours!!!!

Have a good Sunday all. Oak, hoping your ok and on your walk to get some fruit and vegetables.

[Mental Fairy]

Back to therapy today, therapist wasn’t happy about leaving it so long. I was not in a good way last week. Surgery tomorrow so very little food today. Going to be a head game I feel.
Had a dream last night of beheading and partial head removal. Just enough brain to cut out so I couldn’t remember the alphabet or how to count. Work that one out!!!!!!!!!

[oak]

...I felt physically sick learning that it was the family of my step father whom it was based on. There was three generations of sexual abuse.

Oh boy. That is really something.

That must have been a moment, when you realized. Mood, as the kids say.

Also, we should have a megathread on generational trauma when you return: I'm thinking a family tree of passed-down unprocessed generational trauma (and recovery, including our grandfathers, Grampy and RJ, who proved themselves worthy brothers).

Mental Fairy, best wishes for success with your surgery.

Take all the time you need. I do, playfully so, encourage you to post here as soon as you can as you recover. Sometimes a small goal, such as posting here, can give us a reason to hang on through the pain.

[rivergirl]

Dear Mental Fairy,

I'm so sorry about your stepfather. That would be enough to make anyone sick. At times I've also found myself listening to or reading a story about sexual abuse and having it trigger past trauma. I mostly avoid such stories now but there are times when I feel compelled to know more.

Those odd dreams sound as though your brain may be trying to work something out, perhaps preparing for your surgery.

I too am wishing everything goes smoothly for you and that you have an easy recovery. Please let us know how you're doing when you feel up to it.

Many hugs,

rivergirl

[Mental Fairy]

Massive mental hug to you Guys and gals!
I think Rivergirl and myself are holding the pheromone flags here.

Watching the clock currently as will make my way home and begin treatment for bowel and power nap before.

Had therapy this morning and felt very closed off, I think I do that prior to surgery anyway.

Just wanted to say hi and thank you team.
I feel like I have some wonderful energy flowing my way from you all.

🫶

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

A couple things -

What kind of ducks in the yard? Some exotic New Zealand ones? (Jealous )

About the brain dream -
Well, the Queen just did pass away.... "Off with their Heads"... and all that

And you *are* excising stressful and traumatic memories and mental baggage lately. The loss of the abilities is your sleeping brain's simplified way of registering that the process is working.

Looked up the book and just happened to see your reading list over at GoodReads.
Small world, this Internet makes it.

Wishing you well and a speedy recovery!

SD

[oak]

I feel like I have some wonderful energy flowing my way from you all.

Word!

I send good vibes and ESH (experience/strength/hope).

If my math is correct, you must have had your surgery yesterday.

I hope it went very well, Mental Fairy. I hope you are hanging in there, and already feeling better, at least a little better

[Mental Fairy]

Hello my dear soldiers fighting the battle of the mind war!

Alas, surgery is complete. I went, i sleep and i conquered!

The morning was raining and dark sky just as i like it. I informed Joe to drop me at the door and go! He did not. He escorted me to the entrance and checked me in just so he knew i wouldn't make an effort of climbing out of a toilet window or hiding in the morgue fridge.

Once i was all sorted and pre admission was ticked off, needle in my collapsed veins and introduction to my Texan nurse he left. I layed on the bed and counted the dots in the ceiling for some time before scooting to the bathroom on more than one occasion to see if the nurse would panic i left! I even thought about laying pillows in the bed like the prisoners at alcatraz. Sadly i ran out of time. My surgeon whom was absolutely massive in height had a chat and net minute (famous kiwi saying) i was waking up and looking at some internal porn of my bowel on the big screen. If i had the ability to hold a conversation i would of asked a million questions but i think they wanted to keep me that way.

The nurse had goosebumps taking me in the theater as they all know the family history so there was a somberness'' in the room, i picked up they didn't want to be the ones to tell me any news of a similar fate of my family.
I was informed all that needed to be removed was and things were looking ok and remission looks like it is holding. What they did take didn't look sinister.
Yet to have my other highways checked as working in gynecology i fear that the most! I will pencil it in at some stage. One entry/exit at a time.

I was marked as an escape artist so close watch was kept on me when in recovery. I was able enough to text my husband once i got my bag back and he arrived with a bag of egg sandwiches and fresh coffee. When the nurse pulled the curtain and found me munching on my eggs she gave me that look you get when you are caught in primary school taking the class pet for a walk or painting someone's shoes. I continued munching on them and gave her a return look. Don't mess with my eggy sammies.
I soon got myself dressed and asked to be released! They made me sit in the recovery room and fill in some paperwork as they had documented notes to prove i wanted to leave and wasn't forced to leave!! The comment from the nurse was 'since we are breaking all the rules with eating and drinking we may as well let you go!'

Made it home, watched some tv and slept it off! When you work in the medical sector the worst place for us is a hospital bed! By far the worst patient ever to have. When i had a tumour out last time i was found in the taxi stand waiting for a ride home with stickers all over my chest!!! I don't do hospital stays. People die in there. I would rather be in my own bed. So i went straight to it. I have to say the egg sandwiches were bloody good!

I am still peeing blue from the medication which i find rather amusing, not to mention the shock on my bosses face seeing me this morning at my desk! I also don't do bed for to long also! I will be back to almost normal by the end of the week.

Once the histology results are in i will keep you updated. I have access to all this from the computer at work as well as the patient notes and i made sure the surgeons knew that!!!! My therapist checked in on me this morning and he is happy if i'm happy! I am doing half days and will be taking Friday and Monday off. We have now also got a national holiday for the queens' funeral. Will have to move patients around.

This morning i was reading the paper and sent the link to Paul at the podcast as i was deeply moved by the article. I will try add link here.
https://www.stuff.co.nz/taranaki-daily-news/news/129822435/male-sexual-abuse-survivors-share-their-stories-in-new-exhibition

If you can open it then great, let me know if not.
I will go along to it myself as it interested me to know the stories and how brave these men are.

I wanted to thank you all for your support and wish i could repay you all for your kindness. I have a percentage of me that really didn't want to wake up from the surgery and a percentage that did. Knowing you all on here has made my percentages shift greatly to wishing to wake up more to hear you all and your journeys. We all walking around on very different parts of the planet, yet we all hurt the same. We all feel similar feelings in situations. We all care. Some will sit in silence and read our journeys and may never say anything on the forum due to many reasons. But i really wanted to say to you all and the ones that just read this that, we all care about each other. We have a greater understanding of feelings and i am forever grateful for this platform.
I am sure there has been people on here that have lost their lives, loves, friends, family, pets and minds but we all want the same thing. Peace, to be heard, to be understood and to know we are capable of friendships, love and life.

Thank you from the bottom of my kiwi colon. Thank you.

[Mental Fairy]

What kind of ducks in the yard? Some exotic New Zealand ones? (Jealous )

Well the ducks are brown!!! Also known are grey duck and the other is a NZ Scaup also known as a papango.

This morning they were both waiting for me at the door. Got them eating out of a lunch box as they making so much mess of the oats and water. By the end of the feeding session the have had porridge! Very smitten with my little feathery friends.

Last night the dreams were so good. No negative ones at all. Woke feeling like a weight had lifted.

You will note on my good reads the book The Cage by Lloyd Jones i haven't commented. That book was so profound and hard to talk about in our book group at library even many members wouldn't come to the meeting to talk about it. I would be very interested to hear if anyone else has read it. One of our members is a literacy teacher at the university and even she was very shaken by it. Powerful read but a book i never had facing upwards for some reason. The truth in it makes me think more than i would like too and moved me in ways that i never thought words could.

[oak]

Don't mess with my eggy sammies.

Egg sandwiches are very important in recovery. I give you full liberty to choose between bagels and English muffins. They're all good choices. If you can stand it, dash a little crushed red pepper on them, in honor of my pepper endeavors.

I am glad to hear you have an appetite, have your cognition, and have a sense of humor.

I am glad that they report that there is no advancement. Please do keep us posted.

Thank you for sharing about men as victims of SA. Oh, does it happen. btw, I've never posted the following, while I’ve never been a victim of SA, my first girlfriend abused me. "I'm going to kill you so I can keep you forever" she said, with a smile of pure bliss and joy and contentment and calm certainty. Despite threats of suicide if we broke up, she married someone else (so much for the promise/threat of suicide!) a few years later, and soon thereafter died of a brain aneurism. You can imagine how many tears I wasted when I heard that. Her mom was cool, though.

If you are open to podcast suggestions, Mental Fairy, may I recommend "Maintenance Phase"? It takes a non-shrill skewering of "wellness" in general, and the bogus science that leads to fat-shaming in specific. It is unabashedly queer, and not for everyone, but I find it very charming. It really gave me a fresh perspective, contrary to the decades of fat-shaming that is American (and probably NZ too, sadly) culture. A good entry point is any episode where they skewer 1980's diet books. They've also coined the term "methodology queen", which I now can't live without.

Lastly, thank you for the lovely thoughts at the end of your post. I have pulmonary and neurological concerns, and yours are proctological/gynecological oncology concerns, yet just past the surface differences we are indeed so much the same. Well said.