Mindfulness

[Mental Fairy]

Your conversation regarding expectations of having something negative happen really got me thinking. I never really thought of that much, it’s like cooking and then not eating it because it’s never good enough. Never reaching that bar we set ourselves yet we go far beyond it and won’t acknowledge it. Never feeling able, I guess because being told your not good enough does lodge itself into our brain.

Thank you both for bringing this up. Are you sleeping ok beany? MM, I agree our Zen Master is fabulous!

[snoringdog]

I always have the feeling that swift harsh punishment is coming when I feel good about something in my life.

That is so sad Manny... I hope you can shed yourself of that, and soon!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

I’m going to bed early but waking up earlier than I should. I’m doing my own job but also officially covering two other peoples’ roles who are away for two weeks. One is a level above me and the other is two levels above. And their… stuff crashed my email, which did not recover, so technically I’m not doing any work; very urgently! And… I am doing two course units, one of which is due on Monday. I didn’t mean to do any of this. I’m pretty chill considering.

I’m just waiting for the right moment to say, ‘No.’

Perhaps over and over again

[Beany Boo]

Apologies for the length…

I felt very unswitched off when I woke. I cried deeply in the shower quite spontaneously. It was a surprise as I didn’t particularly feel it beforehand. It was very satisfying and I couldn’t tell if it was sad or happy crying. I avoided cleaning for my inspection, even though it’s urgent now. I went to breakfast then a movie instead. By the end I seemed to have switched down a few levels of stress rate.

In fact I had an epiphany coming out of the cinema. It is this. I spend a lot of time trying to avoid or to flee feelings. I don’t know when I started doing that or why; I guess I learnt, somewhen, that if it is a feeling I am having then it must be shameful?

Anyway, as a quick aside, I learnt this year in meditation not to stop and straighten out cramps in my feet. The fear though is that the cramp will get worse and worse and you will cause injury. Not so. The cramp, I have discovered goes to a painful tightness then stays there. Then 5 to 10 seconds later it releases again on its own, completely. There is fear though on the first few times that you do nothing.

Anyway back to feelings. Something similar happens with feelings. If you let them, they go to a point then subside or at the very least, shift; like weather patterns. No problem. What’s distressing though is the added desperate, relentless effort (shame reaction) in trying to feel anything other than what you’re really just naturally feeling.

I did it coming out of the cinema. I spontaneously stopped trying to avoid what I was feeling. I sensed myself trying to flee in shame; sensed the needless effort in it and hesitantly let it go. My stress notably subsided. I thought, ‘I can’t feel anything other than this. Besides, there’s not actually a lot wrong with it.’ The feeling (minus the ‘efforting’ in trying to reactively flee) was actually quite dull and unremarkable. But it felt honest, and comfortable. It was like that for quite a while.

I’m reminded for some reason, of the large, ancient writing on the ceiling at the Senso-ji temple in Tokyo. It says to the continuous crowds who visit, and look up, seeking answers on life broadly, in giant Japanese characters, ‘DO NOT BE AFRAID.’

And my oft repeated, favorite Zen saying, ‘let go, or be dragged.’

[snoringdog]

Hello Beanie,

No apologies necessary, your post was an effortless and edifying read for me, first thing in the am.
Sometimes we all need a good cry. (Is it a human thing only? Do animals cry?)

May I ask what movie you saw? (I recently saw "Fire of Love" about the French volcanologist couple. The footage was mesmerizing and their story compelling).

SD

[Beany Boo]

Thanks SD

‘Moonage Daydream’

[snoringdog]

I read a review that said it was more of a "seance" than the standard-type narrative.
(A positive comment. I've seen clips, and it does look different!).

BTW - Mindfulness - I was sorta stressing the other week while cleaning up outside and ended up painting an old table that I'd been meaning to for a while.

A focused & calming activity, with a sense of accomplishment at the end.

[Beany Boo]

Great job SD!

[Mental Fairy]

Powerful stuff Beany. Truly powerful my friend. Avoiding feelings is so energy draining. When you do open the door to them feelings it’s like the armed defender squad of feelings smashes the door in and swiftly takes ya down like some emotional ninja. Only to leave again with a little bit of your soul!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF