Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Manuel Moe

I wouldn’t want anyone to view these dreams. It’s sometimes to scary even for me! Plus have the occasional naked actor in some scenes! Again something I wouldn’t wish as they are never handsome pretty or even human!

Alas, I am trying to view them as pure entertainment opposed to negative! It’s about mindset at times. I remember In dream last night I forgot to tell my mums old school friend sandy that mum died. Bit late now, it’s been 15 years!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel all tight in the chest and shoulders, where you feel like your going to pop with an outburst for no real reason. When the person behind you is following to close in the car and you want to slam your breaks on and risk being in an accident, or letting them pass and chasing them down only to get out and abuse them with your murderous thoughts! Today is that day.

I had an early start as had to slog out 13km run this morning in paced timings. Every km had to be timed just right. I had the finish time down to the last two seconds of reaching my driveway. The anger took over as the sun came up and i had about 4.8km to go. As a women it does my head in when men look, say stuff, whistle or even honk their horns. It installs a great fear/frustration in me that kills my mindset. I got home jumped in cold bath and tried to rid the anger but it stayed. Gulped down breakfast, cuddles with the cat and feeders filled up for the now three ducks and many birds.

Currently at my work desk having got back from the blood lab, feeling tense after a young driver almost set me into lash out mode. I quickly text Joe and he calmed me down. I think this is all residual feelings from my dreams last night of my mother and lots of samurai fighting with long swords.
In my dream i was working in a very busy Emergency Department somewhere overseas and i was shocked at the injuries that were coming in. There was a man leading me around this building of madness, I felt i knew him or he knew me well. I went to grab my phone out and i looked at the screen and it was showing images of my mother sitting on a fence covered in wisteria just coming out in bloom. She was trying to say something but i was unable to hear it. I was being sucked away into some vortex looking for people. I woke up standing in the hallway with my head against the wall. Joe said its like living with Annabel!

Better get back to my work load for the day, i so badly want this week to be over.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Yes, I've had days like that, and it's usually when I just rush into the day after overlooking simple self-care routines like drinking water, stretching, eating something, jotting down any tasks or ideas that I've been thinking/ruminating about, etc. Doesn't take long, but so easy to neglect. Sleeping poorly is a factor too.

It's easy for me to then get wound up and anxious, and then frustrated and angry at external things, people and events...

FYI - Since the pandemic I've noticed a lot of people driving aggressively, distractedly, thoughtlessly. The difference is quite obvious, and it's reflected in the accident statistics.
(The aggression makes me angry, and I tend to take it personally which is ridiculous if I think about it. It's also "not the way it should be, or the way they should act"....)

But I'm trying to remember that I can't change people, and that some would probably apologize or offer a reasonable explanation for their behavior if asked. Also, that my anger isn't helping me in any way. ("Righteous anger" does feel good though! )

As far as the dreams go, does jotting them down in the morning reduce their power, or help you cope with them any better? Maybe finding any cause/effect or patterns/themes?

There has to be a way to get a bit of control, so you don't feel ambushed or victimized by them. (If it's our brains trying to anticipate or work thru scenarios for our benefit, better to work as a team, right?).

Just some thoughts...

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD, these last two days have been all about restoring myself. Very laid back day yesterday, little recovery jog In the morning followed by chores at home.
Today I’ve made an apple cake, cooked all the preparation bases for dinners over the next four days. Chicken cannelloni tonight. Chicken and red onion with cashew nut topping Tuesday and home made pizzas Wednesday.

Boys going fishing tomorrow around the coast so maybe fish, hoping they not full of plastic!

I can see I’ve changed a lot since therapy. I’ve become more forgetful towards myself. However anger really does take hold very quickly at random times.

I have distanced myself from people that don’t make me feel good or are not understanding of my quirks.

The tendency to stay away from public places has become a little problem. I do panic at times about going places for some reason. Still working on that.
Joe and I went for a walk on the breakwater down the port yesterday afternoon and I couldn’t look at a single person. Became very anxious and just wanted to dissolve into particles and float away from them all. There was a beautiful baby seal on the rocks just napping away. As dangerous as they are and as smelly as they are I felt calmer and almost soothed sitting by him/her. I find humans much worse than a seal.

I’ve been thinking about the dream thing SD and I’m worried if I write my dreams down they will stick in my memory like shit on a blanket. I have woken this morning trying to forget them from the night before.
Feels like I spend 90% of my day trying to forget dreams, people, events, comments, relationships and myself!

Must dash, I have to go pick Joe up from mechanic friend of his who’s working on his old Mazda bounty Ute. This Ute is a old girl getting some new lease on life apparently. Completely standard but well loved. My Grampy had one we used to ride in the back of when we took trips to beach. No seatbelts back in them days! Slide from one side to the other. The floor covered is old dry paint spillage’s from when he would go to fast around a corner, unfortunately the paint would run out the back onto the road and lead all the way to his driveway! To this day after all these 18 years you can still see paint spills from him on the back roads. Shit I miss him.

[rivergirl]

Hi Mental Fairy,

I do have days like that and similar to what Snoring Dog mentioned, they often seem to be triggered by poor sleep and lack of self care. Also having too many conflicting demands at work from various managers, coworkers, etc. I'm glad you had a couple of restorative days, and that you have support from Joe. But I also wish that you didn't have to go through so much pain and all of these lingering effects of trauma.

Does your therapist have any advice about whether it's better to try to just move past your dreams, or to write down and/or analyze them? My previous therapist was big on Freud/Jung and writing down and analyzing dreams. I have mixed feelings about it. I don't know if there's research on whether or not it helps with PTSD and anxiety.

You had asked about my relative who was exposed to Agent Orange. He has a skin condition, severe colitis, diabetes, and PTSD. I don't know if all of those issues are directly linked to the exposure, but after decades he did start receiving some type of Veterans compensation related to Agent Orange exposure. I'm so sorry that you and your family were affected by your exposure to dioxins.

Wishing you some light and peace this week.

Rivergirl

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team,

Thank you rivergirl.

I am fearful of witting it all down, more so because i worry it will cement them in my mind. My therapist has mentioned doing the task of making notes about them. I will be completely honest as right now i don't know if i have enough reserved energy to face them. With the time change here for summer i went to bed later than normal last night but almost two hours as it was still daylight. I have woken this morning and attempted a recovery run. Got on my yoga mat and just laid there as no energy in the tank. Then i'm trying to find ways to no feel sick of myself so got on my bike and biked to work to wake up. Its almost like self punishment.

Right now, not feeling over happy with myself. I recently heard something that resonated from a sex abuse survivor. He said don't let these four things happen... HALT: never get to hungry, to angry, to lonely or to tired.

Currently far from hungry. very angry, never been lonely but am so bloody tired of feeling this way. It's my sleep, i know its my weakness. The therapist is sure i need medication for it but i know its medicated sleep. I know how that works and its scary.

so so tired.

[oak]

I will be completely honest as right now i don't know if i have enough reserved energy to face them.

This I would trust, my friend.

so so tired.

Mood, as the young people say.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Follow-up 1 of 2

Sleeping
A friend of mine was mentioning his nightmares and (teacher-related) anxiety dreams months ago before you started posting, and I'd been poking around and reading a few things on sleep.
Then you posted about sleepwalking and nightmares, so it maintained my interest.

My non-expert idea about maybe writing things down and exploring (without Freudian woo-woo) was twofold -

One - To give you a sense of control and distance. Some frequent nightmare sufferers "learn" to fear falling asleep which compounds their troubles....

Two - To see if there are any cause/effect patterns.
Scrooge posited "...an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato.", and you mentioned HALT today....

On the other extreme are the quite difficult and painful memories and impressions that you've been dredging up and processing in therapy (hopefully to a peaceful resolution!).

Understood about you're being tired and understand your reluctance for prescription sleeping aids. But sleep is so important. Have you tried anything else like Valerian?

I'm a pretty light sleeper myself, and usually use earplugs. Blocking out light (beyond closed eyelids helps greatly too. As does a basic schedule of sleeping and rising....

[snoringdog]

Follow-up 2 of 2

Other topics

I can see I’ve changed a lot since therapy. I’ve become more forgetful towards myself. However anger really does take hold very quickly at random times.

"Forgetful towards myself" means...? Less self-conscious, or what? (That would be good, relates to the post below?)

I have distanced myself from people that don’t make me feel good or are not understanding of my quirks.

Good job!

The tendency to stay away from public places has become a little problem. I do panic at times about going places for some reason. Still working on that.

You don't seem to be afraid of leaving the house, so maybe it's the possibility of having to interact with other people more often or for longer than you'd wish?

Joe and I went for a walk on the breakwater down the port yesterday afternoon and I couldn’t look at a single person. Became very anxious and just wanted to dissolve into particles and float away from them all.

I know that feeling and had it the other day after becoming absorbed in unanticipated computer-maintenance minutiae for a few hours. Went for a walk and passed two young ladies who were sitting on the curb. Felt like I just wanted to turn around... why....?
When I *did* look at them they were absorbed in their cellphones! Didn't give two sh**ts about me!

And people in public don't give two sh**ts about you either! Everyone is wrapped up in their own worlds & troubles...

Don't know if you want to try this, but I've taken brisk walks and said hello to passersby without stopping. Making eye contact with a pleasant greeting, but without stopping. No obligations. It seemed to help me and actually garnered a few smiles in return.

There was a beautiful baby seal on the rocks just napping away.

Enjoy the beauty. Don't go negative! (next sentence below)

As dangerous as they are and as smelly as they are I felt calmer and almost soothed sitting by him/her. I find humans much worse than a seal.

Yes, animals are beautiful and interesting. Alien yet familiar (especially with those large liquid eyes). And they don't expect things from us, unlike some of those pesky humanoids...

Hope you can get some rest. Take care of yourself.

(And you do *not* deserve "punishment", no matter what your inner voice says!)

[Mental Fairy]

Hi All

SD, i did a typo, I meant forgiving towards myself, not forgetful!

I’m currently hiding in my bedroom as my neighbour is awaiting the vet to come put her elderly cat down tonight. She has been emailing me all day at work very upset. She asked me to go say goodbye to Rouge as she has been like a member of our family. I can’t do it, I actually can’t. I explained I can’t see the grief, I feel so torn. I naturally want to be there to support her in her grief but I just can’t. Once upon a time I could. Is this what therapy has reduced me too? I thought I would cope better.
I was leaving work and immediately didn’t want to go home knowing she was being put down.
My pet ducks didn’t come this morning and I got somewhere teary. But they were awaiting me when i pulled in the driveway!
I admit I am an animal lover and find it hard to even kill a fly. However, i am guilty of that!

I had a stick insect inside the other day and was late to a meeting because I needed to relocate him to a suitable home outside !

My awareness has been broadened since therapy, i stop more and notice things, birds, seals, ducks, bugs! Went on a run the other morning and being dark and was just a bit damp underfoot I heard and felt I stood on a snail. I apologised profusely to the snail and carried on feeling like I was going mad!

It’s strange how the mind works!

I did venture out at lunch today and did …..A DAYlIGHT RUN!! I ran in daylight along a bush trail. It felt very odd! Again I couldn’t look at anyone. Just looked forward with my sunglasses on and went for it. Would I do it again? Not sure!

Better get to my oven and cook some Kai. (Food)

Nga Mihi.

P.s thinking of your all and hope so much Beany is ok.