Mindfulness
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
I fought against panic for a good part of the morning. For 45 minutes I was working away at my computer, while openly doing audible square breathing technique. I met with HR who advised me well. They also advised me to go home. I nearly did but couldn’t. I would have taken it as a defeat if I had. I calmed down somewhat after the talk with them. I managed to do tiny tasks for the rest of the day and my breathing subsided. I still struggled whenever I got up from my computer with tension and hyperventilating, but it wasn’t full panic. But tonight I am just worried in case I said something embarrassing at any time during the day. Oh well. It is not easy not having control.
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
- Mental Fairy
- Posts: 1820
- Joined: March 24th, 2022, 11:53 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Recently sleep walking increased. History of anxiety depression
- preferred pronoun: She
- Location: New Zealand
Re: Mindfulness
oh Beany Boo, this has been building up for a couple of days hasn't it? I hope you are doing better today.
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
Thank you MF
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
I slept properly for the first time in 7 days. Well I slept each night but for about 5-6 hours and would wake at 2:30 - 3am with that feeling of not having slept. Last night I slept 7-8 hours and remember having okay dreams. But I spent yesterday fighting hyperventilation sometimes at full stretch, at one time for an extended period, without even masking it, so I was probably worn out. It felt like a success not to have resigned and to have gotten an appointment with HR who advised me not to as well. I have no work today but I feel like I am going to spend the day relapsing (as opposed to relaxing) into flashbacks. Mind you, once I fully wake up my brain might kick into repair mode if I rest it enough. Once the primitive parts realize it is not in danger today, the tension in the nervous system will dissipate.
Last edited by Beany Boo on September 21st, 2022, 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
- manuel_moe_g
- Posts: 3412
- Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 9:04 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Depression, Anxiety
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Orange County, CA
- Contact:
Re: Mindfulness
take care, Beany, wishing you the very best
it is too bad the square breathing was conspicuous, i understand it is a fine technique for managing excess anxiety
it is too bad the square breathing was conspicuous, i understand it is a fine technique for managing excess anxiety
~~~~~~
http://www.reddit.com/r/obsequious_thumbtack -- Obsequious Thumbtack Headdress
http://www.reddit.com/r/obsequious_thumbtack -- Obsequious Thumbtack Headdress
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
Thanks MM
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
I’ve provisionally recovered from yesterday’s high-stress which is great because it felt like the sky was falling in at the time. I don’t quite know how I recovered so quickly but I’m not questioning it. It’s possible there’s more in store so I’m going to lean into my sleep routine and set a single priority for the foreseeable future: avoid hyperventilation-induced hypoxia.
I am also going to continue with my experiment of contriving a mildly excited sensation at the moment of experiencing anxiety. I think this might be similar to the DBT exercises of ‘half smile’ and ‘willing hands’.
I’m also going to try,
- Letting things make sense in small pockets while letting the rest of the world make no sense at all
- Accepting that things will sometimes work out well or very well but even then I may still feel bad about it if there’s change involved
- taking off my ‘normality’ mask when I am home alone. That includes, literally not holding my tongue. It takes a lot of effort to keep the mask and tongue in place when in front of others. Maybe if I start at home I might begin to drop it in public. I think that’s what precipitated the panic yesterday at least in part; not being able to self-express or feel seen.
I am also going to continue with my experiment of contriving a mildly excited sensation at the moment of experiencing anxiety. I think this might be similar to the DBT exercises of ‘half smile’ and ‘willing hands’.
I’m also going to try,
- Letting things make sense in small pockets while letting the rest of the world make no sense at all
- Accepting that things will sometimes work out well or very well but even then I may still feel bad about it if there’s change involved
- taking off my ‘normality’ mask when I am home alone. That includes, literally not holding my tongue. It takes a lot of effort to keep the mask and tongue in place when in front of others. Maybe if I start at home I might begin to drop it in public. I think that’s what precipitated the panic yesterday at least in part; not being able to self-express or feel seen.
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
I did breath-control exercises more or less uninterrupted for the first four hours of work this morning. It’s a lot but it was fully needed. And it looks like it worked. It’s a little like walking across water though. Imagine, if you stop you fall in. I get through those periods now relatively intact. I have stopped worrying about how I look. It’s too much pressure though.
I started to feel the edges of the jobs I’m covering, a little, today. It gave me hints of confidence. Today I also made the biggest mistake I have made at work so far. Breath-control went into turbo overdrive when I realized. I just kept moving forward. When I told the people who I felt should know they didn’t even blink; as in ‘Really? That’s nothing…’. I still feel like a failure who happens to be getting through a difficult experience. It doesn’t make sense.
It feels like a reckoning.
I started to feel the edges of the jobs I’m covering, a little, today. It gave me hints of confidence. Today I also made the biggest mistake I have made at work so far. Breath-control went into turbo overdrive when I realized. I just kept moving forward. When I told the people who I felt should know they didn’t even blink; as in ‘Really? That’s nothing…’. I still feel like a failure who happens to be getting through a difficult experience. It doesn’t make sense.
It feels like a reckoning.
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
- manuel_moe_g
- Posts: 3412
- Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 9:04 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Depression, Anxiety
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Orange County, CA
- Contact:
Re: Mindfulness
You are not a failure. It is logically impossible that you <personify the abstract notion of failure>.
Actually, you are the best. You are experimenting with difficult things, that sounds like a <winner> to me.
Please take care. Thanks for posting on all your experiments; it is great stuff.
~~~~~~
http://www.reddit.com/r/obsequious_thumbtack -- Obsequious Thumbtack Headdress
http://www.reddit.com/r/obsequious_thumbtack -- Obsequious Thumbtack Headdress
- Beany Boo
- Posts: 2565
- Joined: June 13th, 2016, 3:18 am
- Gender: Not-quite-cis-male
- Issues: Risk averse, conversation difficulty, relationship difficulty
- preferred pronoun: He/him
Re: Mindfulness
Thanks MM
Mr (blue) B. Boo
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi
‘Out of nowhere the mind comes forth.’ - Zen koan
‘Let go or be dragged.’ - Zen proverb
‘Knowing how to yield is strength.’ - Laozi