Grief I feel right now

[manuel_moe_g]

I feel grief that it took me to the age of 51 years old to have my current imperfect control of my life given my challenges.

I wish I was at this level of understanding of how to live, but at a younger age, like in my twenties or thirties

it is not bad enough for me to kill myself and ride the karmic wheel again and try for a better circumstance

so I press on, making my incremental changes, changing slowly but surely

because that is the best way to spend my little bit of extra energy

[oak]

Manuel Moe, thank you for sharing. I am glad you did.

[Beany Boo]

Your schedule for grief’s end sounds like it might be too tight.

Also it is okay to start things before it’s resolved; before you feel ready. It just won’t resound in the same way but there are other benefits.

Permission to live is not readily available. When a chance to feel alive gets through, it’s still a choice. You don’t have punish yourself if you don’t take it. Just noticing it is significant. And healing.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Oak, Thanks Beany

[rivergirl]

I acknowledge your grief, Manny Moe.

I recently put a hold on an audiobook about grief. I heard the author say that often it isn't possible to recover or heal from grief. Instead we learn to live alongside it. That sounds about right to me.

I don't have any advice, just a wish for some comfort for you this week.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Manuel Moe, grief and guilt seem to go hand in hand. We have to take this emotions and acknowledge them, learn them on all levels. Then live with them. At times they lead the way and others at our sides. Hardest thing I found was facing them and naming them.

Then the healing begins. Scars will be permanent.

[manuel_moe_g]

my lifetime challenges

• autism spectrum / asperger's
• depression
• anxiety
• social anxiety
• didn't have good tools or good strategies modeled for me when i was young
• black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, thinking in pure absolutes, attracted to extremes instead of the golden middle
• Resentment building up to explosive anger
• needing more mindfulness (wholly self-judgemental thinking about myself and my thoughts, instead of just awareness and acceptance)
• on the ADHD spectrum as an adult

the grief i feel today is that i feel like just the sum total of those challenges

my half century of life is neatly summed up by those challenges and the consequences of those challenges

~~~~~~

i know deep down that that is an exaggeration

i have love and friendships that rise above those challenges

i have a will to improve myself that rises above those challenges

i have an intelligence that rises above those challenges

i have a feeling to help people that rises above those challenges

i feel better now

~~~~~~~~

everybody, take care, be excellent to each other and to yourselves!

[Mental Fairy]

Manuel Moe

Thank you for your overview and sharing this. It is brave and your taking the time to acknowledge not just yourself but others. This takes a toll sometimes.
You remind me of someone i used to run with, he was on the spectrum and is the most loving person. So many people misunderstood him, no one took the time to see him for who he really is. He is such a dear friend and admire him as i admire you.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Mental Fairy!

[duck1]

Hi Manuel,

I'm reading a book now about focusing on ones strengths (don't know if it is against forum rules to recommend a title).

Any case, you are so kind, smart and giving. I'm sure you have been this way for many years now