Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, the attitude of society is changing here very fast. Part political crap and part epidemic madness.

I have a bit of a rant coming up about this and will add to it when I get to work. I feel I need to explain what’s happening in this end of the world.

Mental hug

[Mental Fairy]

Manuel Moe, Joe says a big thank you too you. He is grateful for you replies.

Today started at 1am, i awake with a fright with the sleep issues. I refused to go back to sleep, it was to dark. I don't mean this in the night time sense, i mean in my head. I knew closing the eyes for longer than a few minutes would bring nothing but unsettled rest that i didn't wish upon myself. Staying away and patting the cat whom sat upon my tummy purring like an italian car! I even counted the pats i was giving her to keep my mind from falling asleep. She was lapping it up and i was laying there in fear of the corners of my subconscious.

Alas at 4:15 i got up, i put on my running kit and make my way out the door for a tempo run. 60min of five minute tempos and boy my legs were strong. I felt good, i felt free and me. I pushed myself, i listened to my thoughts, i went over all the little things i am noticing about myself from the outside looking in. I have two shoulders, my right shoulder carries strength, grit, determination, persistence and confidence, unconditional love.
My left carries, fear, grief, self conscious, shame, hurt, angwish, sadness, desperation, tiredness, infuriated, anger, pitty, defeated, lacking hope, hungry, thirsty, struggle, addiction, disease.

What did you notice?

One shoulder is carrying so much more than the other. It is lopsided, it carries so much weight that needs to be addressed. It feels heavy today.
This morning was foggy and i could smell the salt in the air from the ocean, it was so nice. It took me back to being little again. But only briefly. I didn't want to stay in that age bracket mentally for to long. It hurts. Manuel Moe, this journey of travelling through your ages is tough my friend. It is a shame i can't get in a portal and teleport myself to you at your younger self and tap you on the shoulder to let you know you are cared about, you are seen and make a great friend and you are enough.

Oak, New Zealand is a nice location yes, the people in it however are very different depending on were you go. North island, well its the hard part of NZ, a lot of North Islands aspire to retire in the South or on some sunny east coast somewhere. North Islanders are not really keen on the South Island people, just the land. The South Island people very much dislike the attitude of the North and have no desire to come to the North. We have had the pleasure of living in both. I would move back to the South Island tomorrow if we could. The land, the people and the small communities are amazing.

There is a lot of crime also now, ramraids are big now. Lots of murder up north in Auckland. Many go unsolved.
Politics are a big topic as well as Jacinda our prime minister. She is also known as Taxinda.
It is so expensive to live here now, no young ones have an option of buying their first homes. Example being, we brought our home 10 years ago at $375k, it is now worth 1.85mill. Land is also worth more than homes. However we have massive coastal issues, insurance is expensive since the Christchurch earthquake. Joe and i are lucky to have what we do, but we wouldn't of had it if it wasn't for hard work and grandparents. Our work ethic came at a cost. Less time with Matt. Health issues and now burn out.

Yes, i work less now however i can see the stuff i have been ignoring or numbing so the vail has lifted somewhat.
Hence here i am. Spent way to long disconnected from myself.

Yesterdays incident at the gym for Joe has rocked him a little. By the time i got home last night he wouldn't talk about it. He refuses to go back to a gym and has shut the conversation down. He feels shame, i can see that in his eyes. Next week he gets his truck back so he will be on the road away from his world here. Time will tell.

I have had two cases through in the last couple of weeks that are similar to myself as far as health goes. Both women are far apart in age, however the pain and the suffering is the same. I tend to keep them tucked under my wing more and make sure all bloods are checked down to the last white/red cell count. I want them to know they are heard and seen as i didn't have that. I want them to be ok. I want me to be ok.

Mental hugs

[snoringdog]

Yesterday's incident at the gym for Joe has rocked him a little.

Hello Mental Fairy,

I've been travelling and keeping up but couldn't reply.

My emotional response - "What?! How dare they? They can eat shit!"

My intellectual response - "People comfortable with themselves don't judge or belittle others like that. She must have problems. (And she just sounds like a grade-school-age "meany girl" too).

So maybe encourage your husband to just find something he likes and try to make it a small daily habit. Even just a short brisk walk can burn calories and get the blood flowing.

Some time ago, Beanie suggested an exercise app on the phone that I've been using off and on. It's the "7 Minute Workout" by Johnson & Johnson. There are a number of different exercises at different levels, about 30 seconds each. You can pick and choose, and you don't need to finish any of them if they're too difficult in the beginning. Just a way to get acquainted and maybe find something that feels good.

And tell Joe we're rooting for him!

SD

[Mental Fairy]

There is a story to this hoodie. This is the back…….

[Mental Fairy]

This is the front

[Mental Fairy]

This hoodie I got when out shopping with Matt weeks ago.
I’m 42 and apparently I’m a pretty cool mum, by Matt’s mates standards!
Joe and Matt refuse to go anywhere with me if I’m wearing it. So I use this to my advantage. When I don’t want them tagging along I wear it!

Yesterday I was low. I hid it in the back of the car and waited until Joe and I got to the laundry mat till I reached around and grabbed it and put it on. Joe did the eye roll and said some words to the effect of me having to carry the laundry in!

So I did.

I noticed a man standing there maybe in his 80s? Maybe a little younger. He looked sad until he saw my hoodie!
We got talking and he mentioned that I had a lot of washing! And asked how many kids I have. I said one over 6 foot monster teenager and a smaller version of him as my husband.
He looked sad again and mentioned his 32 year old son and 39 year old daughter had moved back home due to his son dealing with drug addiction.

We sat and talked for 45 minutes and we both laughed and had a moment of sadness for the battle ahead. I offered him a big hug when I left and he gave me the biggest thank you and laughed at my hoodie. As I got to the car where Joe was waiting he leaned over and said how the sight of seeing that man perk up over the time of just talking made him appreciate having me around and understanding other’s struggles.

I mentioned to him that I carry no shame for my own struggles but I also carry no shame on wearing the hoodie!!

Little does he know I now have a matching t-shirt!

Guess the best bit???? I got him one too!

[Mental Fairy]

Joes yet to be gifted t-shirt!!

I’ll be single soon!

[oak]

That is a very sweet story, Mental Fairy. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you were able to give him a little ESH (experience, strength, and hope). I hope you walked away a little more encouraged yourself. I hope his children get sober.

Speaking of sobriety, I was watching some old Intervention episodes on the AE app, and goodness is alcoholism grim.

Lastly, another reason we are kindred spirits: like your shirt, I was around our dear local hippies at the yoga event. I’ve long been drawn to the hippie, though I prefer a conventional/clean shaven/straight edge milieu myself.

[rivergirl]

Hi MF,

I've just been catching up on your posts, and I'm also upset about what happened to Joe. I've just been listening to a podcast that Oak recommended called Maintenance Phase that deals with the discrimination and sometimes cruelty that is directed at overweight people (among many other topics related to weight loss and body image). Attempting to shame overweight people seems to be extremely common, unfortunately. How sad that this is what Joe faced on his very first day at that gym. I hope he can find another way to exercise that feels more welcoming.

I'm in awe of everything you're dealing with on a daily basis. Since you described taking your patients under your wing, I can't help but picture you as a mother bird. Not in the disparaging way that your neighbors called you a duck mama, but in a beautiful way as the fiercely protective and compassionate person that you are. I hope you sometimes feel that protection and compassion from people in your life as well.

Sending you back some of the mental hugs that you've so freely shared.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Warm day, damp air, wet grass. Can’t mow it yet. The perfectionist in me shakes it’s fists with fury.

Day one of holiday. (Yet still on call)

Hard my friends. I awoke to a jog. Some yoga for the spine as I felt a little off. I think it was more than the spine.

I got some jobs done around the house, garden needs a little clip here and there. Yet rain overnight prevents me from the lawns being done. To me this this annoying. I like nice lawns and trimmed edges.
I popped down the pharmacy to collect my prescription. Popped to the doctor to renew the next three months. They soon rung and said I already did it two weeks ago. I don’t remember. I don’t know if this is concerning or not.

Went into the clinic to check some results and in my inbox was beautiful messages from my patients telling me to have a good break. Some have been in hospital and wishing me a good two weeks and that we will be missed. I found that hard to read. Checked some bloods and made my way home.

Oak, well you posted today and I can’t explain why but a flooding of emotions came over me. Yes, therapy this Friday and I’m anxious about this. But also something else……….

Oak, I understand your situation with your family and your struggles and the cutting of the ties. The mental torment and the emotions that flowed through your posts really just renewed today for some reason. It made me think about trauma and the journey we have all been on. No one on this earth gets out alive and without some sort of trauma.

It made me think about my journey thus far. If I had the opportunity to bring one family member back it would be my Grampy. However, if say, none of them had past away the effects of their existence would be huge. My mother would of messed me up further. I would of absolutely 100% disowned her. My father would probably be in and out if the jail system and my grandad would be amazing!!!! The trauma didn’t stop at the death of any one them really, it magnified it.

Why, no peace was made. No apology, no acknowledgement of the pain, no care shown when it needed to be.
I was on my jog this morning listening to mental health happy hour and something really starting the cogs turning. All my childhood photos I never smiled. I was hurting. I was lost, I was unseen. Shit, i was flown to the other side of the world to have a holiday with my grandparents and I was miserable. Photos show how sad and hurt I was. My own mother didn’t even want to go on holiday with me. Would I have been happier if she was there? Its about connection right?
I got to my mid 20s and the hurt was titanic size. Then at that point everyone up and well dies. Nothing said to heal other than mum knew of my abuse. Sorry, was the only word given. She held my sons face in her hands and kissed him for ages a few days before she died , crying and saying ‘my boy, my boy’. Never did she hold my face and say ‘my girl’.

Today is the first real day that this has hit me.

I know I’m thinking a bit more than normal as I’m not with my patients, however I worry about them like family. I care for them with pride. Why can’t family do the same for each other while they have the chance? Pride? Ego? Denial? Previous trauma themselves?
I bury myself in my work to hide the pain.

I was reading today in the paper we have a man going to prison for rape and kidnapping of 11 children. I won’t go into details as it’s rather triggering, however he got…….wait for it…… a minimum of 9 years. Maximum sentence 18. He can go for parole at 9 years…….
Yip I dropped my coffee too,

So to sum it up, would I have been any better off with my family alive? No, I don’t think so. Would I be healing currently? No, I don’t believe so. Would I have found my tribe on here? No, i don’t think so.

So I am glad I am here, i am glad I’m in your tribe, whoever is reading this and I’m honoured to have you. Yes you, the person who is reading this. Cause you and I both know what it’s like to feel unheard.

Anywho, that’s my day 1 rant!

Snoring dog, my duck Dee followed me around the garden today as I picked away at the weeds here and there. She would pick up the weed and knew it wasn’t food so put it back on the ground awaiting for the next weed I pulled that might be food. Was gorgeous!

Thank you rivergirl for popping in. I do miss your input. You are thought of.

Mental hugs my friends.