Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I hope you are enjoying your well-deserved time off!

I am tired and crabby today, but I wanted to offer some brief thoughts on your amazing post.

Went into the clinic to check some results and in my inbox was beautiful messages from my patients telling me to have a good break. Some have been in hospital and wishing me a good two weeks and that we will be missed.

Many people think very highly of you, present company certainly included.

Why, no peace was made. No apology, no acknowledgement of the pain, no care shown when it needed to be.
I was on my jog this morning listening to mental health happy hour and something really starting the cogs turning. All my childhood photos I never smiled. I was hurting. I was lost, I was unseen. Shit, i was flown to the other side of the world to have a holiday with my grandparents and I was miserable. Photos show how sad and hurt I was. My own mother didn’t even want to go on holiday with me. Would I have been happier if she was there? Its about connection right?
I got to my mid 20s and the hurt was titanic size. Then at that point everyone up and well dies. Nothing said to heal other than mum knew of my abuse. Sorry, was the only word given. She held my sons face in her hands and kissed him for ages a few days before she died , crying and saying ‘my boy, my boy’. Never did she hold my face and say ‘my girl’.

Today is the first real day that this has hit me.

Word.

"Mood", as the young people say.

This deserves much more attention than I give it right now, but I affirm that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing. The same darn thing happened to me.

In fact, "not discussing" these issues prompted me to write a thread about "something happened". It also reminds me of the iconic "Missing missing reasons" blog post about estranged parents:

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

So I am glad I am here, i am glad I’m in your tribe, whoever is reading this and I’m honoured to have you. Yes you, the person who is reading this. Cause you and I both know what it’s like to feel unheard.

Well said, my friend.

Enjoy your time off.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, sorry you feel crabby today. How is the sleep ? I hope this passes quickly. Power nap and a little snack my friend. Thinking of you

[manuel_moe_g]

All my childhood photos I never smiled. I was hurting. I was lost, I was unseen.

I am so sorry, Mental Fairy.

Nothing said to heal other than mum knew of my abuse. Sorry, was the only word given. She held my sons face in her hands and kissed him for ages a few days before she died , crying and saying ‘my boy, my boy’. Never did she hold my face and say ‘my girl’.

Wow, I am speechless.

Please take care, you contribute so much, you are such a good person.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Manuel Moe.
I wouldn’t change it honestly. It’s made me to be a better mum. It’s helped me fill the gaps I never had, hug others with warmth and understanding and cry with others as I did this morning at the vet!

Unsure what has changed or shifted in me over the past months but my empathy for animals is far stronger than it’s ever been.
Therapy maybe? New position in work? Mental shift? Healing?

This morning was packed with little “to do’s” for my ta dah list.

Run - complete- average pace 6min 16. Distance 15km Acceptable!

Yoga- tried but cat was being to cute so we played instead and I pretended to stretch!

Breakfast- bowl of oats and seeds. Similar to my duck food now that I think about it.

Cat locked in - 9 am vet appointment for a grooming.

8am - builder arrived to fix a door we have issues with. He did our bathroom just before covid so we talked more than he fixed.

8:45 vet trip, cat cried all the way, I sung to her all the way so I could stop myself from crying also. Vets and me don’t go well together.

9:00am Mazie moo moo gets a groom and I get a lesson on how to hold my emotions as I watch this man outside chain smoking to calm his own emotions as his own cat gets bloods done.
I step out of the room to try not to have panic attack as vets are a huge trigger for some reason.

Mazie comes out looking like a kitty ready for a runway! Meowing all the way none stop.
I purchase a refill of the air defuser thing that helps cats calm themselves. I don’t know who needs it more, me or her?

I see this man pacing around the car park waiting for the vet to come out with news. I acknowledge him and we make eye contact. He looks weathered, maybe a farmer type, possibly a bike lover. Little rough around the edges but still holds emotions clearly. I tell him that I wish his kitty well and reassure him I understand the feelings. He actually said thank you so kindly and helped me load Mazie in her portable palace into the car.

I sung to Mazie all the way home. I released her from the portable travelling palace and she darted up the stairs. Meeting me at the top I got a big smooch and we had a treat each! Survived the morning!

Now I’ll go cut the grass and trim the edges.

Today I think I was meant to meet that man. He helped me and I helped him. Exhausted already as I sit here on the floor of the hallway next to the fresh calming effects of the kitty air defuser!

[oak]

Mental Fairy! I’m glad you were able to help the man.

I’m also glad that you got a chance to move and stretch. Well done!

Though the following doesn’t have anything to do with the above, I did see a classic video, and thought of your love of cats:

https://youtu.be/xqA5ofS4B7o

I’d draw your attention to the reports of “panthers”, and my favorite, Chris P. Bacon.

Enjoy!

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Oak, I needed that!

Brain is really kicking in tonight. Maybe just tired.
Dashed into work for emergency this avo. It’s now 7:20pm.
Got Sunburnt today, put sunscreen on but medication I take makes me cook like a drumstick on coal.

Suddenly felt very old this afternoon and somewhat worthless for some reason.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you sharing. I hope your day got better.

Do I understand that you have two weeks or so off?

If so, do you have any plans/goals (I especially advise modest, achievable ones!) for self care during these two weeks?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi oak

Yes have some leave currently and this week is almost done. I have had some aha moments over the last few days. I have gone into the clinic a few times for emergency stuff and check results for patients as I don’t like to keep patients waiting longer than they need to for results.

A big aha moment happened yesterday while on a walk with a friend whom I removed from my life months ago as I was struggling with all friendships and also myself.
This friend has been in my direct family for many years, we were scout leaders together, kids the same age and he was a friend of my brother for some time. He witnessed my brothers attention to young girls and women and put two and two together. He clicked that he was my abuser. From them on he removed himself from my brothers life and kept in contact with me. He is a great protector and has been my closest friend thus far in life. However things got messy when he battled with alcohol. He was and still is part of a bikers group. He will always be like a bodyguard for me. We had a big falling out months ago as we both battle with mental health. He saw I was struggling and I saw he was. Both of us couldn’t help each other if we tried!

Over the years we have found a break from each other works well and it did. We caught up and had a walk yesterday and we both clicked as to why it works.
I was approached by someone the other day and this person made an inappropriate comment. I ignored it but also became very scared and felt the 6 year old self step in. My friend asked me yesterday what I would of done if I was to be approached or assaulted by someone out running or whatever the scenario may be. Would I fight, would I use self defence. I thought about this for a while and knew almost immediately the answer but felt ashamed to say it. I would allow it. I don’t think i would fight.

Why?

Self dislike, hatred is to strong of a word. There is that damaged part of me that thinks I’m still worthless, I am just an object. All the things I was told by my abuser came flooding back.
Then we talked about why even as friends we fight each other as we battle our demons. I fight him as he is a great protector and I don’t feel like I deserve to be protected, cared for or acknowledged at times. He protected me from my fathers circle of people. He cared for me when i cut my finger off, in such a way it was like having a big caring brother. Not an abuser.
It came down to self worth. There is a very large emotional part of me I don’t know how to fix. How does one gain that back when it’s been gone for 30+ years.

Little update on the previous issue of my grandad having a possible child with someone else in 1950. Yes, he did. It’s all confirmed and it’s shaken me. We have asked if the family does not contact us at this time as if my uncle (whom is a chronic alcoholic) was to be informed of the truth, could spiral into further depression and drink me. Maybe when uncle is passed on we could make contact, however my nice brother and I have decided against it at this stage. To think of Grampy in this way i struggle with. My father I could understand as it seemed he was forever swimming upstream to spawn his young.

Joe is on the road currently and we talked briefly last night. He was tired so will catch up with him again today. It feels odd having him gone again. Matt and I made homemade burgers for dinner last night and talked. Was nice.

Plans for the weekend is to keep busy, try not overthink and potter in the shed.

I have therapy today oak, I am sort of panicked as I find it so difficult. I feel like I’m walking a tight rope of emotions. One foot in front of the other and rather wobbly.

I would like to know how everyone else prepares for therapy, do you write notes before? Do you just walk in, verbally vomit and walk back out feeling lighter?

Sunday I have a 30km run. I will have a spotter who will meet me at intervals to see if I need anything. This will be interesting!

Well best get moving and into the shower. Need to prepare for yoga, weights and therapy.

Lots of mental hugs team

[manuel_moe_g]

A lot here to respond to, and I am stuck on my phone

The part of you that doesn’t value yourself… I don’t believe in god, but I will pray for her, because I can’t just do nothing

I am so sad to here in the aggregate all you little selves, the voices that say “don’t value yourself” are so loud and winning

I will pray for that little girl who believes the lies from her abuser

~~~~~~~~~~

I do online therapy, I take computer notes during the therapy session, I usually plan ahead to talk about 1 or 2 things during session. I don’t trust just verbal vomit to be enough. Therapy is too expensive in time and coin to not have a plan, I figure

Your experience may vary, but that is how I approach therapy

Also, I stopped beating myself up about losing the thread after the therapy session ends. My therapist believes very strongly to involve and validate all the parts of me that make up my inner selves. But after I leave therapy, I am barely holding on, I am too busy managing myself and managing my mood to think of all my inner selves. I used to beat myself up about that, beat myself up for losing the thread, but now I acknowledge how difficult it is for me to think of all my inner selves when I am out in the real world in real world situations. I cut myself some slack

[Mental Fairy]

Manuel Moe thank you for this.

Currently sitting in the waiting room waiting to go in. I’m shaking like a leaf. I feel like I’m in trouble or exposed? It feels invasive?

I make notes also and kind of highlight new findings through my own progression on here or in my own noticed changes or triggers.

Need a massive group hug!

Matt and I put a picture frame up in his room of happy faces of all different colours this morning. Was nice to see above his bed.

Can feel my heartbeat currently! Why do I fear coming here so much?