Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Here's a group hug for you

I'm not seeing anyone at the moment but have done the verbal-vomit-and-feel-better. Sometimes that's what's needed if things have been bottled up for so long. (Actually its a good analogy. Too much undigested intake, and what happens....?)

I've usually written a few notes beforehand, so I don't lose trains of thought due to nerves or something. Also jot notes during, as well.

Why the fear and jitters? I can think of many reasons but try to remind yourself that it's a partnership to;

See you through some tough times,
Untangle your thoughts
Give you a framework for understanding and dealing with things.

Do you have a good rapport with your therapist?

SD

[oak]

I hope your therapy went well Nov 3, Mental Fairy, and that your big run Sunday goes well.

As far as plans/intentions for counseling sessions, I usually write a few points I’d like to cover, mostly based on future actions I can take.

All too often, I end up bitterly discussing my mother.

[rivergirl]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Please consider me part of the group hug.

Thank you for sharing about your recent and past experiences. I'm overwhelmed with wishing I could take away some of the things you've gone through, or offer more solace now.

I'm glad that Maize and you got through the vet experience, and that you found a little mutual comfort/connection with the man in the parking lot. It's beautiful that you feel compassion and connection with animals.

I too feel speechless about what you lived through, and so sad for the girl you were in those photos. I'm so sorry about the abuse you experienced, and the lack of understanding from your mother, and the devastating losses.

I hope therapy was helpful in some way, or at least tolerable, and that the run went well.

More hugs,

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Hello my MH family

Took me a few days to come back as shame blocked me from even looking upwards until yesterday.

First things first, therapy.
I think I need to stop going for a bit. I adore my therapist but the feeling prior to going is so horribly confronting. He can see the change thus far. Not all for the good. My held criticism is high. However, I have progressed in other areas.

Saturday I caught up with my dear friend whom I was introduced to a few years ago. She has recently moved to our town from a place around the mountain, about an hour away. We are now two streets apart. We both don’t like cramped places and opted to sit outside our local cafe in a tucked away corner and had a coffee. We were there from 9am till closing time. I know! I found our talk was way better than therapy. It was raw, to the point and honest. She is a breast cancer survivor and is now also one of my patients. We have walked very similar roads in many aspects.

Yesterday I did my 30km run and all the energy I had built up over the past days come through my legs. I felt free, the first 5km warm up was calculated and beneficial for the remaining couple of hours. I allowed myself enough energy to get over the finish line. Not without a few tears in the last 3km. Those tears hurt, part tears, part sweat and part mental tap turning. I didn’t want to show the emotions flowing through me in the run. That was weak I was telling myself. I got home and my legs were at the wobbly stage, I walked into the entrance where I sat on the floor and allowed myself five tears max. I pulled myself together knowing if I started crying I may not stop and my body will become impossible to move. Joe ran me an ice bath and in there I sat for 11 minutes. The breathing once I hit the cold water was intense yet beautiful. Feeling the blood slow down it’s pumping. Feeling the body go into survivor mode and take all the blood to the core. Much like trauma i noted.

There in the ice cube filled bath I allowed the emotions, I cried. I went within. I allowed it.

Transfusing to the shower, the warmth slowly inched it’s way back to my digits, my toes tingled, my fingers felt no pain. My head cleared.

I starting go sing in the shower, sadness, elation, excitement, glee, peace and comfort flooded over me.

That run was way way better than any therapy. I did a hard thing, and during that hard thing I allowed myself to think, regress, process and accept. I found I felt fantastic the rest of the day. It just flowed. I had no worries, no regrets of the blisters, the pain and the cramps I was feeling. I felt I earned my lunch, I earned my sleep and I earned my happy feelings.

It shouldn’t be this way though, why don’t I feel this without running, or doing hard things. Why do I feel guilt when I eat without a run, guilt when I sleep without a hard activity. Addiction?

How does one harness that beautiful feeling without inflicting such pain? Pain in the mind of self talk in the first few kms. Pain of the criticism on my shoulder, pain in the feet from the upcoming bubbles of fluid. Feeling them tear and seperate from the foot. Continuing on and learning to disconnect from that pain. Knowing they will heal in time. But does it?

I’m learning, I’m gathering data and accept I have many more miles to go.

So my friends, off to wrap the feet, slip on some socks and do a recovery run after popping into the office. Recovery is half the distance at half the pace of yesterday. My mind feels much the same feelings, half the emotions and at a slower rate. What am I trying to prove?

I can do hard things, but facing emotions is far harder than running any distance.

[rivergirl]

Hi again MF,

If you feel like therapy isn't good for you at this point, then I think it makes sense to discontinue it or at least take a break.

I'm glad you had that time with your friend, and that it felt therapeutic.

I'm in awe of your run, and the aftermath. I hope you get to a point where you feel entitled to express your emotions, eat, and rest even if you're not going through such an intense physical experience, but if that works for you right now then I hope it feels healing in some way.

It feels inadequate to express in words, but I'm sending you support, encouragement and love.

rivergirl

[oak]

First things first, therapy.
I think I need to stop going for a bit. I adore my therapist but the feeling prior to going is so horribly confronting. He can see the change thus far. Not all for the good. My held criticism is high. However, I have progressed in other areas.

I would trust this instinct, my friend.

Yesterday I did my 30km run and all the energy I had built up over the past days come through my legs.

Nice!

The older I get the more I'm convinced mind and body are one.

We both don’t like cramped places and opted to sit outside our local cafe in a tucked away corner and had a coffee. We were there from 9am till closing time. I know!

That's the good stuff.

[Beany Boo]

There is a possibility that the therapy is working. The problem is it’s starting without the therapist; in the waiting room. If the plan is to leave, consider scheduling an exit session, just to get the therapist’s side of the story. It could be they just need to be put to work in a new way but are awaiting a specific cue in order to proceed safely. Or maybe give them the opportunity to make a referral.

These are just suggestions.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

Beany I agree, I have been wondering that myself. Therapy is so confronting and seeing things through other eyes also is incredibly scary.

The homework he gave me to homework I fear. It makes uncomfortable feelings take over and forces one to be uncomfortable because it’s healing.

Rivergirl thank you for your support. I need some girl power my way! Your someone I think of daily and wish you strength on your hard days.

Oak, I ran a few extra km with you in mind. I feel honestly so honoured to get to know you. As well as everyone else.

Snoring dog I took a little zip lock bag of duck food in my pocket on the run for the ducklings along the river. Omg they are so cute. I patted a massive cow with incredible eyes, wow they were big. She made me giggle as I don’t eat meat and if I did those beautiful eyes would of made me an immediate vegetarian!!

Just popping over to beanys post as I have a question or two!

[rivergirl]

You'll always have my support, MF. I think of you daily too, and wish you well.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Sitting in the hairdressers watching my son have a haircut. He’s gone for a very different style so it’s kind of exciting. It’s the first time he’s wanted me to go!

He’s been a little down as his mates recently treated him badly. He’s found what real friends are made of.

My last day off today. Weekend is here and I’m already planning work next week. Trying to keep positive when I can.

Been more focused on the yoga and meditation practice. Run today was slow and body is tired from gardening and spring cleaning. We are having heavy rain today and thunder. Yet temps are high.

Been cooking up a storm in the air fryer Oak. Loving it.


Been thinking about my therapy and I feel it’s become very real and confronting and that’s why I get the jitters. Does that make sense?

Do I, or do I not go back to library book group. Still not replied to their email. I better make up my mind. I slept walked last night and ate cat food! Let’s just say I won’t have fur balls anytime soon.

Thinking of you all.