Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Thank you for your feedback, i really didn't appreciate how much it effected me until late yesterday. I sat with this residual feeling that swayed between grief, accomplishment and glee. Was a real mixed bag of emotions. I read out my post to Joe last night when he got home and he was taken back but how it felt to hear it. He was the one that saw me roll in the door every night and not knowing what emotions were coming home with me.

I am still a little bit at a loss as to why i can't pick up my books to read currently. I feel like my brain is in some auto pilot and ready for the next emotional confrontation. My sleep that night after being in the dental surgery was odd SD, i was beyond tired and my eyelids felt like concrete. I sat on the bed and slowly leaned back. I felt the pillow puff up around me ears and it kind of blocked the sound of the rain out. The cat at my feet and with a mind feeling somewhat attacked by the past i slept solid until i was startled awake 11 hours later still fully dressed and with that crusty eyelid thing going on. I may have cried in my sleep or talked the ears off the cat but i felt out of body. Yesterday the feeling of the surgery haunting slowly dissipated. By the evening i felt like i had laid that part of my life to rest.

This morning i got up early and tried a run but my legs were not happy with that idea. I did a walk and made my way home under the cover of darkness. Slinked in the door, downed a coffee or three and got ready for my day. I have not done yoga in a couple of days so i am feeling slightly off and have neglected that need. I will change that when i get home tonight.
Made my way to the butcher at 7:30am to get something nice for dinner as i also feel like i have not feed myself enough this week.

I have a marathon this weekend as a trial run to see how the body holds up. The next two nights will be focused on getting enough nutrition and sleep, allowing myself some compassion and forgiveness.

There is so much going around me head in regards to this uncle coming out of jail, my drunken uncle and his new found sibling and my own mental health. Yes, my work and my patients are always on my worry list.

Part of me agrees with SD and Manuel Moe in regards to the feeling of not being for this world. I know i have purpose and i know its not for long also.

i genuinely can not thank everyone enough on this forum.

[Mental Fairy]

Forgot to say SD, I had a dream of being on a boat the other night and got seasick in my sleep. I woke with all the symptoms of seasickness and had trouble standing.
In life I’ve always had motion sickness. Even a 20min car ride gets me to the point of losing my stomach! As I say, I get seasick on wet grass and now I get it in my sleep !!!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, best wishes for success during your marathon. Please do let us know how it goes!

And, if you’re open to music suggestions while running, May I suggest the following?

I was going to suggest some epic 80s tunes, and almost recommended cerebral 90s alternative: Weezer, BNL, Smashing Pumpkins.

While they’re all great, they may not pump you up!

So yeah, maybe some rad 80s tuneage.

Also, I went to yoga tonight. The young lady from the front desk, who may have noticed me two nights ago, mysteriously kept showing up.

I’ll send appreciative vibes, for your encouragement to keep with yoga, when I go again tomorrow (Thanksgiving morning).

Edit to add: if you’re open to podcast recommendations, I have two:

1. Maintenance Phase: skewering garbage science in wellness

2. Serial: the iconic true crime podcast

Honorable mention: S-Town. A limited-series spin-off of Serial. Also legendary, it features an iconic twist at the end of episode two. Southern Gothic at its finest (or worst).

[Mental Fairy]

Good Morning Beautiful People

Hope thanksgiving is going well wherever you all are.

Not something that New Zealand has picked up as yet, however black Friday has but sadly we are looking into the barrel of recession here. Many are struggling to make ends meet. Not to mention the level of crime has blown up more than i thought our little country would see in my lifetime.

Thanksgiving takes me back to memories of Sundays in our family. It was a huge feast every Sunday and all the family would attend and regroup at the end of the week regardless of inner circle fighting and dismay. The men would be downstairs in the bar playing pool, playing old records and throwing some darks at the board. Nana would bang her little dancers foot on the floor three times to signal lunch was ready. There would be fights over the skin of the rice pudding, there would be paper scissor rock played for the chicken skin, or crackling. Measured tablespoons of gravy for the yorkshire pudding. And peas dropped on the floor to pretend we ate them. Now i can't get enough peas and carrots, i can't get the smells and the textures out of my memory. The sound of laughing, crying and dismay as we argue about life. Back in that moment of time as a young tom boy you wouldn't think i would of taken in the feel of the carpet, the colour of the cupboard doors and the placement of decorations. But somewhere in the mind of my inner self i took all this in without knowing. Now, now i can recall almost every detail down to the woodgrain of the doors. The handles and the views from the windows, oh and the damaged wood on the top of Grampys chair from his painters hands covered in oils, putty and paint from a hard days work. Now the memories matter. Now they effect and now they call out.

I sat on my bed this morning and let out a few tears, why i am not sure, today i feel grief sitting on my shoulder. I feel very tired and i am aware that the body is in need of rest this weekend so i may hold off on the long run on sunday and do it next weekend. I guess this is called listening to the body even though the mind is willing to keep fighting. Having a restless sleep last night with the storms we are being hit with over the last week or so has been testing. My ducks came into the shed last night and had dinner. I will look into making a little hut for them i feel.

Today i have to make up the two digital folders for our recent terminal cases, i am deeply troubled by the amount of cases currently. This too has got me thinking a lot.

Earlier this year i gave up my local book group meetings and the committee work due to exhaustion as i was nominated to take over the actual group without knowledge. I was thrust into the placement with no questions asked! The director of the library had contacted me with e-mail a few weeks back which i ignored as the very thought of going back was hard to think about. I love my reading and my book group but i felt pressured into doing more.
Finally i replied this week and said i would return but not with the intention of doing any more other than read and discuss. When i first set out to locate a book group years ago i sat on a waiting list of about a year to get a placement. I know the value of being part of this club, if that is what you want to call it.

I recall my first ever book i got to read before it was released to the public, as my stance on it was strong. I am not sure if any of you have read it but it was Tara Westovers book called Educated. I really linked into the trauma body of this book. I wrote about the book and made my speech to the club. It was powerful. Many books since have echoed through me, where as others just don't even move my blood. That is what writing is all about i guess? The book by Lloyd Jones called The Cage, was so powerful people actually couldn't have it in their home or even facing upright next to the bed. This cooked caused such a stir in the library the talk went on for nearly 3 hours. I would of expected that from Stephen Kings writing but this shook us all so much the Library found some people brought the book back the next day as it effected them so much. If you ever get the chance to read it please do. I would love to know others thoughts.


Well i better get these files done, take care all, the weekend is upon us yet again.

Mental hugs my friends.

[manuel_moe_g]

hugs to you, Mental Fairy

i admire you, you are stronger than i am

please take good care of yourself

[oak]

Agreed with our good friend Manuel Moe.

Thank you for sharing, Mental Fairy!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Friends

This past week has been hard to say the least.

Sleep, i have been sleeping so much but it is all interrupted in the usual issues. I took a week off running to let the body recover as i was pushing it hard and i knew if i overdid it, injury or burnout would sneak in.

I have come to work today anxious on news from a panel of specialists in regards to two recent cases. Both of these cases are not looking good from a medical standpoint. My inbox i opened and saw that there was a reply. Sadly not a reply i was hoping for.
We have a shortage of medical professionals in New Zealand and Radiologists are very hard to come by. Every week on a Wednesday there is a team of specialists that discuss and plan the next move on our complex cancer cases. Our patients have been waiting over a week already for news as there is so much involved in the background. Sadly with a shortage of radiologists both these cases have be deferred for a further week. One of the patients is 16. The other is my age.

I honestly feel like we can not do our job. We have no one available on call for times such as this. I feel so powerless, watching my patients worry, stress, break down and even at times lash out because we are so short on professionals. It breaks my heart.
This last week has been so hard to process. Headaches plague me currently and my ability to stay awake past 6pm is lacking. I feel so tired. My bowel is having its moments and diet is very bland. I have started back on a chemo medication to help stay in remission and it is honestly kicking my backside.

My dreams are so lucid. My concentration during yoga is hard and all i want to do is sleep.

On the plus side my ducks are great and the cat is happy! The boys are also good. It is me that is failing. I don't want to be a bourdon on them currently and find it hard to talk to them about my work.
We have a man coming in today with his partner as they have been trying for years to get pregnant. There was some issues with some samples from him so we ran some DNA tests and it turns out he is a she. He has very small genitalia and there is some other issues. Non fertile also. He came back with SRYXX male. No Y chromosome present. Tell him this today is going to be hard.
I adore my patients and wish we could help everyone but the reality is lack of staff and lack of recourses.

Thank you for letting me vent. Thinking of you all.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

All of these things are difficult to handle.

You are not alone, my friend.

[Mental Fairy]

One of the patients whom is high risk invasive ovarian cancer just ripped my head off three times this morning for a failing medical system. I know it’s not directed at me but I feel so useless. Powerless and hopeless. She is so scared. I get that but she won’t take in anytime we are saying. My head is thumping and all I want to do is fix her. But I can’t.
I went home at lunch to lay on the bed. I feel so defeated.

[manuel_moe_g]

You work so hard at a very important task

so much admiration, but wish I could make vanish a part of your very heavy load

You are seen, that is all I can do, from so far away

Please take care