Mind Body and Trauma

[manuel_moe_g]

You work so hard at a very important task

so much admiration, but wish I could make vanish a part of your very heavy load

You are seen, that is all I can do, from so far away

Please take care

[Mental Fairy]

The word struggling comes to mind when someone asked me how I am currently.

This past week has been spent navigating my latest case at work that needs immediate care but unable to get it due to lack of specialists available. I went as far as ringing oncology specialists outside of our area to get help. Unfortunately they are not allowed to step in until the patient case files go before a panel of specialists on the 14th. It’s been delayed twice now. Helplessness is not something I deal with well, so I have found out.

Been battling my own health as for some reason, I’m guessing stress, has got hold of my bowel again and experiencing horrible nausea and no appetite. I tried a run today for the first time in over a week. Was a moment of ease then pure exhaustion. I pulled back to listen to the body and made my way home.

Was meant to meet with a friend but they cancelled. I was so pleased they did. I felt the wave of pressure full away. Having to fake smile, make small talk and pretend all was under s control was not in me today.

A dear passerby put a toy duck in my mailbox about the size of a grape. It was so cute and made my day.

On Wednesday night I came home and was preparing dinner, in rushes Mazie Moo the cat shaking her paw. I saw she looked shocked and followed her. She was yet again stung by a bee. Within 5 minutes anaphylactic symptoms started and off to the vet we go. Injections given and her breathing and face reverted back to normal. I felt numb. I sat up all night to make sure she was ok. I saw her paw was swollen and was slowly going down as the drugs worked their magic. Slowly I felt hope minute by minute return.
The vet was our usual man and he is strikingly handsome and kind! He asked how work was and I told him it was a hard day and this event made it harder. When he listened he sat back on his chair with his hand over his mouth. He said he felt his job was not on that level of trauma and distress and can’t imagine how we cope mentally. I was so close to crying but stopped myself. I told him his job is beyond anything I could ever do, he is saving a life in the space of five minutes. I can’t do that, We don’t have the capabilities a vet has. He is saving me from heartache and grief and giving me my fluffy loved puss to take home for cuddles, love, play and story telling!
As I type this Mazie is asleep beside me and I will read this out to her. Why, she doesn’t judge me.
He saved her, and in turn it saves the owner in many ways. Bloody bees.

I reached out to my therapist on Friday as I have stumbled across some emotional changes. If you asked me if I fear death my immediate answer is no. Not for myself anyway. But I honestly fear it for others. I watched Mazie breathing and sleeping all night and went to work doing the same for my patients. I don’t fear death, I am terrified of living through more grief. If that makes sense.
Maybe that’s why I am in my job. Trying to prevent it best I can but wish it would happen to me first.

We are having so many earthquakes here currently as Lake Taupo in the central part of our island is having a little stretch. Becoming rather used to them. However, i have noticed the ducks know when it’s about to happen. The squawk and flap, then it happens and they settle. Nature is beautiful.

Not sure if going back on the bowel medication is making me worse or I’m just having a little bump in the road but I currently feel the most alone I’ve ever felt.
Matt is no longer going out with his mates and just focusing on the gym. He’s home every night and going fishing with his dad. It’s been really nice to feel him settle after removing himself from some bad eggs. I know this sounds very conflicted, feeling alone but having Matt home more. I think it is because of the line of work maybe, and not having the ability to speak openly about how it effects us as medical professionals.


I tried going to the supermarket today and had to leave half way around, more so the amount of people and overwhelming. I think I will stick to delivery.

Well, better get a wiggle on. Ducks to feed, cat to pat and homemade burgers for tea.

Thinking of you all

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow what a post! Thank you for writing this, Gia!

Glad to hear that Mazie is doing better

Please take care, getting a better insight about the emotions of work and home for you

The toy duck was rad to hear about

[oak]

Agreed, as always, with our good friend Manuel Moe.

Also, well done for having the courage to leave the grocery a store. Like you, I was overwhelmed by the people and noise. I am almost have to be paid and out the door by 8 am.

This society is too much, and nature is so good.

[oak]

Also, Mental Fairy, can I ask you an off-topic question?

I’m in my mid 40s, and had a serious medical situation (sleep apnea). I’ve naturally gravitated to a (mostly) plant-based and (almost all) Whole Foods diet. Without really trying, or even thinking much about it.

In your professional experience, is this fairly common?

People get sick, or well into middle age, and inch away from processed food?

I ask because I’m thinking that surely I can’t be the only one.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you all for your support.

Oak, I read over your question this morning and did start to answer but retracted as I didn’t want it to be hasty and not thought about fully. I take peoples health so seriously.

Like fate would have it I put on my shoes and hoped inspiration would flow for a jog. In my mind I didn’t want to go out as my energy is low currently. At the top of my driveway I stood and saw a local man whom we know as Bob at the top of the hill looking down. I’ve never actually spoken to him before but know he was once a police officer. Bob is 80, he walks with crutches as his legs and hips are failing him. He walks 20 steps and stops, then 20 more and so on.

Bob saw me and I saw him. I think in more ways than one. I said good morning and he reciprocated. We both looked at clouds assessing the weather situation. The conversation begun. Two hours later it was still going as I walked 20 steps and stopped, 20 more and so on.

In the two hours I learnt his life, he married at 18, was in the police for the duration of life till retirement. He ran marathon after marathon. Multiple awards for triathlons and keen on all sports. His dear wife passed May this year. We talked of health, well-being and care. He even shed a tear talking of old cases and situations he and his fellow officers were in. He even arrested my dad a couple of times. Turns out I know his daughter and she was my patient years ago.

I shared some information and expressed my inner turmoil. He listened, and I mean really listened. Once we made it around the block we stopped at the top of our hill. He lives four houses down. Before parting ways he informed me these stories we spoke of have never been spoken about by him for many a years. He became teary and grateful, we both stood there, completely blow away that two hours prior we never knew each other and now we both carry great admiration for each other.

The point is Oak, he also has medical problems and gets up every day to walk, 20 feet at a time. He has sleeping issues and for the same reasons I do. Trauma. He’s around six foot, hunched and both knees have had many of operations by the scars I saw. I admire him and his ability to get up. His wife has passed and many would also wish the same on themselves I’m sure after all those years. You can see the love in his eyes when he speaks of her. She was a lucky lady.

Oak, from what I can read about you, your taking your condition seriously. You are making changes in your lifestyle, mindset and acknowledged and accepted changers that needed to be made.

Many don’t accept their conditions to begin with until limbs start to die, hearts start to fail and ability to live begins compromised.
I’ve watched patients suddenly give up and walk away from life and living.
I’ve watched people be told their is no cue and the use that is fire to light a new lifestyle, new approach and form a new self in aid to live longer and happier.

Your condition is complex as their needs to be a process of illumination. Check ENT and make sure tonsils are not enlarged, check nasal passages and throat condition. Asses stress, weight and pressure on the heart. Diet, lifestyle and mindset is key.
We are all fighting for our lives in silence, we get up we conduct meaningful roles and try to better ourselves. But when the vessel we use to live with starts to fail there is only one thing that can’t get us out of that rut alive, the mind.

Not everyday is easy, sleep apnea is deadly serious and a condition that needs management plans and celebration of little wins along the way.

I remind my patients everyday how lucky they are to know what the condition is that they have, it’s a series of tests that marry up to symptoms and then a plan. Personally I don’t like to see others suffer, but I suffer in a way as I get to see them through a journey that is scary, personal and violating at times.

It is not common to see a complete transition to a new lifestyle unless death is coming, then they will fight for their lives in ways many can’t comprehend. But that comes in waves also depending on the level of acceptance of a condition.

We become addicted to a lifestyle and when someone comes along and tells you it’s wrong then of course people become defensive and start blaming everyone else but themselves.

I stand beside you oak as a friend, I know my condition is not the same but I understand your journey.

Last night I put cat food through all the drawers in the kitchen while sleep walking while saying crocodile over and over! We might not be fixable but we are on a journey together.

Mental hugs beautiful people

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Small detour here.... Just a shoutout on your "Loves" survey at the very end of the #618 Chris Chou episode- It was charming! Thank you for posting it.

[oak]

Not everyday is easy, sleep apnea is deadly serious and a condition that needs management plans and celebration of little wins along the way.
...
I stand beside you oak as a friend, I know my condition is not the same but I understand your journey.

Thank you, Mental Fairy, for your kind, generous, and thoughtful reply. I take your advice and encouragement to heart.

I am also glad you made a new friend!

Lastly, using myself as an example, I find it interesting that:

something ugly (sleep apnea)

can lead to

beautiful things (good habits such as beautiful foods, a new appreciation for life and health, and closer connections with others)

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD

Oak, there seems to be something good that can come from something tragic.

Sometimes it takes others to point them out when we are to low to see them.

[Mental Fairy]

Coming back from my morning jog this morning, however it ended up being a walk!
Down the street comes my two ducks to greet me as I make my way home.
Such comfort nature brings when one is down on themselves. Gave Dee a pat on the feathery back and made our way to our breakfast bowls. However mine is not on the ground!