Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Thank you RG

[Beany Boo]

I lost it in front of someone earlier.

They had walked right up and stood over me, while I was in the middle of something difficult.

This position is a big-time trigger for me. I cursed out loud involuntarily. I then paused awkwardly for a length of time that even surprised me. I was silently choosing my response and observing theirs.

Looking back now, in my mind the silence was clamoring with the question, ‘Is it so hard to see me?’ It was charged with genuine curiosity.

I felt a certain responsibility to take care of the person; but in a limited way.

I also felt noncommittal about forming a perfectly articulated explanation of my behavior; to them or to myself. I guess I didn’t really need them to understand, for me to survive the moment’s uncertainty intact.

Because I let out the curse’s sharp energy, I calmed down immediately. Hopefully they’ll be okay and maybe not do that again. I don’t feel compelled to control that outcome.

Because I’m growing

[manuel_moe_g]

Thank you for being gentle and understanding to yourself around your triggers, Beany. You deserve it

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MM

[Beany Boo]

I want to say stuff at work but don’t feel allowed.

I’ve started do an exercise where I write what I really want to say. That way my tongue is not continuously cramped. Then I write a second message with what I feel might be ‘appropriate’ words, allowing the nuance and subtext of my first writing to sit below the words.

Then I click send and hopefully don’t offend my co-workers. At the very least I offend myself less.

Less seething…

[manuel_moe_g]

This is a great intentional technique, Beany

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MM

[Beany Boo]

Today was the most ‘dangerous’ day from a workaholism pov for more than a week. I had a heightened awareness of the fine-line between just a very frenetic activity level and a need for something more unhealthy.

I think the awareness was enough to keep me steady. Now afterwards I feel like I managed to stay present and not engage in all-or-nothing thinking.

I have just got to devote myself to acting kindly towards others, asserting boundaries and believing in what I can do, without ‘efforting’.

[manuel_moe_g]

This update really spoke to me

I can sympathize because I know this feeling in my bones

Good luck, Beany, keep fighting the good fight

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM