Checking in

[rivergirl]

Hi forum friends,

I feel like I need to apologize for being mostly absent this past month due to illness, work, etc. And then when I have tried to post this past week there's a small voice in my head saying, "You weren't missed anyway." I know some of this feeling is from childhood, but I think other events in my life have brought me to a place where this feeling is more intense and always present to some degree.

A snapshot of today:

I was disappointed that we didn't get much of expected rain in the past couple of weeks, but I woke up in the middle of the night to very heavy rain that makes me feel sort of apprehensive. I'm meeting several former coworkers for lunch at a Korean restaurant known for it's soups. It sounds perfect for this rainy day. Weekends have continued to often be quite lonely for me, so it feels like I should look forward to the lunch, but I'm afraid that having to pretend to be be more okay than I am will make me feel more lonely. Also, I want to be happy for these coworkers, but hearing about their retirements, families, homes, etc. is sometimes difficult. Tomorrow I have the last of a series of presentations that I have to do, so that may be adding to my apprehensive feelings.

My goal for this week is that once the presentation is done, I'll catch up on other things I need to do, and start gradually preparing for something I intend to schedule as soon as I can after Christmas. I'll try to share more about that, although I feel somewhat foolish so have only mentioned it to one person so far.

Thank you for listening.

rg

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for sharing. And, thank you for posting on my Christmas grief and loneliness post.

Please feel free to post as much or as little as you like. I accept you just as you are.

Good luck with the presentation. Keep us posted!

[Beany Boo]

Ha! I think I know what you mean. I feel like a lot of my sentences in interactions with people, before I start speaking start in my mind with, ‘given that this is pointless, let’s say this…’

I guess it’s a psychological safety thing; don’t give away too much in case that is the ‘foolish’ move that generated the feelings of stuckness that pre-exist.

It took me a long time to assume simply that people remember who I am from one encounter to the next.

You were missed but it was more important to me to give space for you to step out of sight and back in as you choosed; without feeling like the connection ‘evaporated’ when you weren’t continuously posting.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Rivergirl

You are a gem in here. I adore when you post.

Something you wrote really resonated with me. When you spoke about going out for the lunch and pretending all is ok. I assure you that mask goes on this face every day. I think that is why i am so pi**ed off about therapy last week. The first thing he said was i had that mask on. I felt like kicking him in the teeth and leaving him my card! What else are we expected to do? Go out to the world and show our true feelings and get arrested, admitted or worse....buried!

There is very few people i can show my true emotions with and to be honest it is here on this forum and with a friend Donya from Iran whom moved here as a refugee. Today is a bloody hard day and i felt so much better to hear we all feel so similar. Thank you so much for posting.

I don't know about you but when i look back on some of my posts i don't recall writing them! I say to myself, wow that was a bad day!

[rivergirl]

Thank you Beany Boo, Oak, and Mental Fairy!

I felt better once I got to the restaurant. The soup was delicious, and they had a robot "cat" who delivered the food! Not sure if links in messages are working but this is the robot:

https://youtu.be/sR_DWTajBH0

I'm working on last minute touches to my presentation now. Thanks as always for the support.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, a robot! So fun!

Good luck on your presentation, RiverGirl, you are simply the best!

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Manny!

I got through the presentation and an addition one that I had to RECORD the next day Got through it okay though. It was kind of nice to see that even the supervisors who seem more confident than I am were also nervous about the recording.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

This is so great, RiverGirl! Super proud of you!

[Beany Boo]

It was kind of nice to see…

That’s a very interesting detail rg. That you saw it; their nervousness. And that it was comforting. And, that you were experiencing that observation under pressure. That’s good looking-after-yourself.